i now tbelieve i know how i want this to all turn out, but i am afraid of just doing it. i am afraid that no reason will be "ok" with you. i know there will never be an ok reason for D in your eyes. You had said you could accept it if it was truly something i wanted, but couldn't accept it at the time because of the OG. I don't know if you really could accept or if i should expect you to.
I do believe there are reasons for divorce. If we argued, screamed and yelled constantly. If we really didn't get along at all. If one of us were physically or emotionally abusive to each other or the kids. Dependancy on drugs or alcohol. These things I could understand as reasons for divorce. I look at so many other married couples and see much less positives. Not that I want to settle for something substandard, but I see much more good than bad.
If it were something concrete I point out and say "That is the terrible thing about our marriage that can't be fixed" I would feel better. But it is some feeling or an ideal. A suspicion that there is something better out there...
So as this relates to the OG - I am still bitter. And suspicious. And believe that whatever happened there still weighs heavily on your mind and in your heart. I still don't think the break from him and time spent on us was long enough. I still don't think that there was enough distance. I don't think we gave it enough time. I don't think you really let go. I read much more that I really should have seen. Too much crap that is burned into my brain that i will not forget. If these memories still haunt me, I can only imagine that you still feel the emotions.
