affair

[sandi2]

JC, my heart goes out to you sweetie, b/c I know that your heart is probably closed to your H and all you can think about is your first love which is this OM. I don't know if he has that big of an ego or if he thought it would help you by telling you he would always love you, however, I would not put a huge amount of what you would like for it to mean into what he said. I think he said that just as a way of trying to say a "sweet" good-bye. In other words, it is about the same as us telling our H's that I love you but I'm not in love with you or I still care about you but I don't love you.

I've heard people say different things about their first love, like it is always special and nobody truly replaces that, etc. But I believe if you make up your mind that you will not allow him to steal your "life" away from you like this......you can make it work with your H. I think that you never let go of the "dream"....and that is why you always felt destined to be with your OM. It was as if you had him in the other wings waiting for you in case your M did not work out. But, sweetie, he has been M two times.....did he come looking for you either time or between the two M? He knew that you would leave your H right now to go with him if he would leave his W. But, he gave an excuse and maybe he thought he was letting you down gently by saying all that stuff.....who knows. When he said he would always love you, I think he meant that you would always be his first love and hold that special place in his heart, but I don't think he wants a life with you or he could have had it. Another thought is that if he would cheat on the W he has now.....what's to say he would not cheat on you if he M you? Who is to say that he may not have another lover on the side somewhere? He could be very slick......charming, but slick.

So.....it is a very bitter pill to swallow, I know. I think your H should give you time to adjust to the idea that you will not be going off into the sunset with your dream lover and will remain in your M. Your H is probably trying "too hard" to make you happy and want to stay with him and thereby smothering you. You will have to tell him to back away and give you breathing room and space for a while. In my opinion, most women do not or cannot stop desiring the OM and suddenly start back desiring the H they were considering leaving. If your H truly loves you, then he will give you time to work this out in your own heart and be able to open up to him. But he needs to not pressure you or it will make it worse.

Just remember that the longer you give the OM your thoughts and energy....the more of your life is being wasted. He is not going to give up his life he has now to come get you, so you are going to have to give up that old dream of him coming up on his white horse to save you from your dreary life. I understand, b/c that is what my fantasy was also.

You have boosted the OM's ego a lot by letting him know that you still cared for him after all these years. If you told him what you've told us about never getting over him and always thought the two of you were meant to be together.....I'm sure he loved hearing that and it really swelled his head. But, I hope he will not contact you again and hint at false hope only to set you up for more disappointment and hurt. Don't give him that power, sweetie.

I've never been M but to one man, but I think you would have to look at your stitch almost as if the OM had died. As if you had been M to this OM and he died and you had to move on with your life without him. You would grieve over him for a while, but your better senses would tell you that you had to keep living......but without him. Somehow, you will have to think of him as though he was "dead" to you now. Otherwise, I'm afraid you will continue to hang on to that old dream of your "destiny".

You said you did not believe that love is a "choice" and I fully understand where you are coming from. You have missed the "passion" in your M and that is what you are wanting now.

I do believe you can choose to take control of your life and stop giving the control to the OM. Try setting personal goals about what or how you are going to set about getting over the OM.

First, you know that there cannot be any contact....ever again. That is the toughest part. But, if he were dead....that is the way it would be!

Then start with baby steps. Make little goals for just a day at a time until you feel yourself getting stronger. For an example, tomorrow when you start to feel yourself falling into that feeling of despair over him.....what can you do to forbid your heart from reacting to that? Even if your emotions don't want to cooperate.....what can you do to get through for one hour? Then the next hour, etc, until you can make an entire day. Then go to the next day.

I believe in making short term goals for ourselves when we are in this condition b/c the long term gets to looking too defeating for us. (Don't know if that is proper grammar or not, but you know what I'm trying to say.)

If you want to make just two goals to start with for tomorrow....you can list them here and we will do our best to support you and cheer you on. I know,and every woman that has been in your shoes or close to the same stitch knows what you are feeling right now. It is hard and it hurts! But you've got to do it....and only you have the power to chose to do it. I hope you will make that choice. Forget a future with him. It was your sweet teenage dream that you carried around for all these years.....it is time to bury it. Make a life with your H. At least pour all you can into the M and know that you gave it your best.

I'm here whenever you need to talk. Take care of yourself. I realize that this takes a toll on your body, mind and soul.

Sandi