Torn between hope and anger

[lise]

Well, I was so angry at H before he got here. Now I just feel sorry for him. He is really messed up emotionally. I think I could ask for almost anything right now and get it.

We have zero money for a lawyer. I mean, we normally lived off $20,000 a year and last year we were out of the country so had no income. We had savings to get us back on our feet when we returned, but this was not how I planned on using the money. I have just enough to get the house fixed up and keep us fed until my paychecks start.

H is not in any shape to come up with consistent income right now. It sucks, but I guess I just have to take on our responsibilities alone for now. I think he is going to sign the land over to me and not make any claims on our savings. He's got an expenseless life with OW or with his mom so he doesn't really need much himself.

I have been trying to figure out what stage of MLC he is in. It's very confusing. I thought he was in replay, wanting to live out this other life with OW. Then he stopped emailing me for awhile and I thought he was in withdrawal. Today he said he almost jumped off the cliff we were hiking on. I guess that means he's in depression. I don't know. I know the stages can get all jumbled, but I can't figure him out.

He also says that he can't imagine not growing old with me. He's hinting that he may want to come back. I haven't taken the bait. He is clearly not ready to recommit to anything right now. I keep telling him he has to stop looking for his happiness outside himself and thinking that he can solve his problems with a particular choice. I said it has to be an attitude that he commits to and he has to find his own answers - not through me or the OW.

I don't know... it feels scary to think of him back in my life in the shape he's in. I think I'd rather have the loneliness and extra work of single parenting than have him muddying up my life with his angst and tears.

But I have enjoyed having him home and it was wonderful seeing him playing frisbee with his sons last night. He is so unsure of himself that I had to tell him to go out there and join them. Tonight he borrowed my car (since his is a gas guzzler) to take S14 to blacksmithing. I am trying not to be angry that I had to bike to work (I refuse to drive his car because OW gave it to him) and just be glad he can help this way and be with his son. He seems to need to be shown how to reach out to them. I did tell him, though, that it seems too soon for him to take them to his place in Chicago next week like he wanted. He is just too confused about things and it would only add to their confusion I think. He agreed it was ok to wait.

My fear now is that as soon as he goes away into his other life, he will start being nasty again. I am going to get him to sign some agreement papers while he's here and feeling so guilty. I don't want to manipulate him, but I need to feel safe while he is being so unpredictable.