My husband doesn't know that I get an occasional email and I don't know if he and OW have the occasional email. I know that I have seen the light on OM and cannot imagine wanting him again. I don't know if my husband is that over OW. She broke up with him when it became apparent that he was not almost divorced, as he had told her, and that his family cared. I know that he still has her phone number in his cell phone memory, and I doubt he forgot her email address. We did not make a ban on them. We just fixed us and promised to keep our focus within the marriage. I guess I do trust him again. And he trusts me again. You know, there are a million OM and OW out there. If we wanted to stray, we wouldn't have to go back to the same ones.
Thanks for answering my questions, Sara. I do appreciate it.
So your H doesn't know about the occasional e-mail(s) from OM, and your H still has OW in his cellphone memory. You don't think these things should change? If you're ok with H still having OW's number in his phone, that's alright because it's completely your choice. I guess I just see an issue with keeping the e-mails to yourself.
Originally Posted By: Sara
It's 24 hours already. What did you do about the letter?
Originally Posted By: Sara
I would put the letter in a sealed envelope and give it to him, telling him what it is. I would tell him my fears concerning his reading the letter, and ask him to consider that before deciding whether or not to read it. But the letter is his. You won't hide it or anything else from him.
You posted that last week to Whatdidido.
I can only assume that you're hiding the e-mails from your H since you said he doesn't know about them. Why? Is it to keep part of the fantasy alive still? You said romantic nostalgia sucks, or something to that effect , but the e-mails are quite clearly held in secrecy.
Just trying to understand. Have you really let go? And do you feel that there is still something missing in the R with your H that possibly keeps you in accepting the e-mails from OM and not telling H about it?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Wow. Already on page 3! I haven't read the entire thread yet but just wanted to thank you for this, Sara.
You must be so proud of your kids. I see a lot of my boys in them and it brings back bittersweet memories. A lot of your story reminds me of so much I had blocked.
I'm finding that a lot of that year was kind of a blur. Reading others stories is actually helping me piece things together in my mind.
I also honestly never realized, until going through all of this and finding this website, that I'd actaully had EAs on different levels.
I mean I didn't block anything, but never considered it harmful to my marriage. I never considered that staying in touch with a few "plan B" guys from the past may have contributed to my sense of entitlement. I never hid the contact from my H so I never considered it betrayal. But. I'm going to have to think on this and talk more to H about it.
I asked him a few weeks ago about the sax player... if he'd been more bothered by the attention/relationship than he'd let on... but got no definitive answer. I think he may still be in the "you are a saint that stuck with me through everything" phase so he may not even realize it. Should I drop it? Bring all this up later on? Hmmmm. I even went into mourning and a meltdown when I learned that an exHS/college boyfriend (married with kids) had died. He *sort of* understood... maybe.
So, how deep does it get? What about occasional fantsizing about exes. Or movie stars. Or....? Is that cheating?
Ok. Enough for now. Thanks again, Sara. I appreciate how much you make me think and how much your sharing helps others.
You are like a dog with a bone! You just will not let go. I think my H would not care about the emails. He has known through the years that I had old letters from OM. He told me years ago he doesn't read my email and I believe him. My password is automatic on the computer. He could read my mail anytime.
I have some of his letters to OW. He printed them out and hid them in his papers. I found them and have them hidden. He knows I have them, because I showed him a particularly hurtful quote from one of them when he was complaining that I say hurtful things to him. I said you want to see hurtful words, and I showed him the quote typed on a new piece of paper.
I do think my situation now is different than Didi's. She is still longing for OM, so his letters hold power. I was taught a big lesson when my husband successfully did what I had never been able to do, reunite with his lost love. I got my comeuppance and have my tail between my legs.
I am a woman in my 50's. It is still nice to get an email from a man who thinks I'm sexy. I now look at it totally differently though. I held that door open for him for 25 years. Now it is firmly slammed. It is nice to get the email and think, " I no longer want you. Go ahead and keep writing, feed my ego."
I am a woman in my 50's. It is still nice to get an email from a man who thinks I'm sexy.
Who was it that said "Age is but a number"?
Quote:
It is nice to get the email and think, " I no longer want you. Go ahead and keep writing, feed my ego."
Do you feel that you aren't getting these ego boosts from your H? Perhaps not in the way you'd like?
If OM is 'feeding your ego', it sounds to me that the e-mails are a little more personal than you say they are. I think you called them newsy and said there was nothing more to them than that.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Sara, I've been around here for months and I don't think I ever read about your sitch. Thanks for sharing.
I know you and your H sing accolades about Retrouvaille. You still embrace what you learned and shared there. If you and your H trust each other to not mind the occasional email from OW/OM, and know that it doesn't mean anything, then that tells me that you've both moved beyond any EA/PA. I think it's fantastic that you have that level of comfort in your relationship now.
Looks like you have to "earn" the right to be able to communicate with the OP. If both of you are not hiding anything and would be ok if he read your emails and you read his emails, then it must be ok. I don't see me ever being able to do that with the OM. We were so deep that any talks would be deeper than my H would be comfortable with. If he never saw them, I'd be ok with it once I'm in that stage and knowing that it would never go anywhere because the feelings are gone. But, after all that has happened, I now know that secrets are NOT GOOD, that it would be like playing with fire, and it would hurt my H.
Obviously, in the stage I'm in right now, the withdrawal, any kind of OM drug is a bad drug so No Contact will forever remain NC.
Thanks for sharing your story, Sara. I always wondered what the whole story was.
, but the e-mails are quite clearly held in secrecy.
