I like KAW's answer to the camping question, better than my earlier one, which was influenced by the eggshells around me!!
Also noticed
Quote: First day home, he said he was glad to be back at work--that always hit me odd--as he would rather be there than with us
he didn't say he would rather be at work than with you!! He said he was glad to be back at work, I think that is in the Guy Manual - you have to say it after a busy vacation!!
Looks like things are going mostly good. The best thing is you're not letting all the little frustrations send things into a downward spiral.
Everytime you start to get down about something he's doing, or not doing..saying, or not saying just remind yourself to be patient and that this is a slow process that you're willing to go through.
A couple of things, about the grumpy attitude, and his eagerness to get back to work. These are classic male traits, think nothing of it. When we're grumpy it's usually just because we need some time alone. Whether we know it or not, we'll take out our frustrations on those around us if we don't get this space. I used to get this way too before I knew what was going on in my head. And the work thing, that's pretty standard male provider stuff. A lot of men really identify themselves by their work. I can't say I know about that one though, as I'd be fine on permanent vacation from work if it was possible!
Again, just remember to try to see things from your H's point of view when he's doing something that seems a little off to you. That will make it easier to validate his feelings and in the end, will cause there to be less of these "episodes".
Also, be careful with all the inquiry's about the ILY's and that stuff. You don't want to scare him. You also don't want to have him in the mindset where nothing he says or does is enough for you. At that point, he might shut down and you won't hear it at all. Instead, bring on the fanfare when he gives you an ILY. Thank him for sharing his feelings, and return the ILY's. Positive reinforcement. It works for dogs, it works for people.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
Rob, spoke too soon, things are going horribly! H is in a bad mood, the stone face has returned and it is sending me into fits of tears and frustration. I'm returning to that needy person--wanting answers and reassurance. I'm so tired of this, I want to be in a M that is going to last, not one where I wonder every day if this is the last. Sometimes I just wish the other shoe would drop. But I get your point about postivie reiforcement, as soon as I pull myself up I will attempt.
KAW--thank you for the alternative view point-- I'm debating going and debating just doing something for the boys and I that weekend.
Ellie--thanks for all the info and support. Day 3, and I'm folowing the plan. Got the pictures taken, had 6 year old do it and the digital let me know when we had to redo them!
JB-- I think of your words whenever things get this bad--I know I'm lucky he is here and we are working on it. I need to start counting my blessings, not everything that is going wrong.
Pam & DB-- I did test for my second belt, went fairly well, though my side kick needs tons of work!
Must go paint the fence, trying to please H, though it doesnt seem to work. Neighbor gave us tickets to b-ball game tonight, H hesitant, said if you wnat to go as a family, I'll go, but then don't make a damn plan for the weekend, or don't make any plans for me, I don't give a damn what you do. And we ended the conversation on that note. I guess I'm just losing me resolve. I'm tired of always being so wrong, fearful of doing things not the right way. I don't know how many times I stop the kids from doing stuff, saying don't do that, Daddy will be mad.
Is this just a self-pity party and I need to just pick myself up? Hard to see when I'm in the middle of it. Or do I just want a chance to write the rule book instead of letting him do it the past 8 months.
I feel like I'm no furhter along that 8 months ago. Ugh, what a rollercoaster this is!
I'm sorry Jackie, but I'm not familar enough with your sitch to pickup on exactly what you are saying, but I'll ask... What is the pattern/cycle here of what isn't working? What have you done up to now to diffuse cycle?
In dealing with your H anger. Tell him you aren't making any plans ... that it is just an invite to do something fun with the family. It IS his choice to join in or not and its perfectly OK with you one way or the other. Then ask, would he rather you stop asking if he is interested in doing things that sound like having some good family fun?
Maybe it might be a good idea to have some contingency plan for when your H has these outbursts so you can remove yourself from his anger. Is there a neighbor's or friend's place you can go and hang for a little bit on inpromtu notice. Perhaps take the kids to the movies or the mall...even a park ... pratice your karate. Politely excuse yourself including a comment to the effect that your sorry he feels things are not the way they should be, but you are trying your best. If that's not good enough for you right now, then perhaps its best I'm not in your company for the moment. Then leave.
Jackie , I know how you feel about all you've been thru and the realization of how much more effort you will need to find the strength to apply towards as I'm at that very place myself. After nine good months of "piecing", I find myself right back at square one with what once worked not working anymore. What motivates me is knowing how good I felt when times were good while "Piecing" and that I still keep hope that we can get back there again.
I'm sorry your H has turned face this way again. Try not to take it too personal..that's difficult I know.
I wouldn't take him to the game or make any plans this weekend. Let him stew in his misery if that's how he's going to be. Don't be mean back to him, but make your own plans and have a blast. When he sees this he'll probably feel pretty stupid for being so miserable. Don't let him drag you down with him. Remember the only one that can control how YOU feel is YOU. Don't let him take control of your feelings. It's all probably a test to see how you'll react. And if you fall into the trap of needing constant reassurances and that type of thing, you're giving him reason to continue treating you like crap. If you let it roll off your shoulders and continue to go about your life and be happy he won't be able to help but be nicer to you I would think.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
If he doesnt care what you do, then go and do stuff with out him. I heard the same thing from my W at the beginning. So I started going places with our D I also went out by myself and let her tend Our D. I think you need to start doing this. He wants to be away then show him how much fun it really will be. You don't have to be mean about it but just say hey Im going out on saturday you need to watch the childern. It seemed to work for me, within a month she started wondering what I was out doing and what adventures me an our D were having with out her.
I thought from your post on my thread something was up, I agree with the "stop looking for reassurances" part. Can't he discipline the kids too? I wouldn't say Daddy will be mad as that won't be you closer together. Just a few thoughts, give yourself a break too, you are doing a good job, trying your best to keep your family together and that is an important job. Do you have a girlfriend you could go camping with and swing by the get together? Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
KAW, the cycle how I see it, is he gets in this grumpy/stone mood where when he comes home he will shoot looks at me and doesn't come near me to say hello/hug. I get the, oh no, something is wrong feeling in my stomach and begin to get upset--what is wrong, is it me (if it is work he will usually share it), then I feel I need to cheer him up, and ask what is wrong, and start feeling like the whole relationship is going downhill. What I want is a reassurance that the whole thing is not collapsing, but of course he won't give me that, not even when things are going well. So why should I expect it then? When he is like this, I start needing things more from him--hugs, conversation, I don't get it, I get grumpy and thus the cycle. Classic stuff, and things I should know better than to fall into the trap of doing. I just feel my resolve slipping.
DB, I know I need to stop that Daddy will be mad, bit and take it on as my responsibility, I guess I'm more lenient with the kids, but he is a more order type of guy than me.
Lee, I am starting to make plans in my head, at least, to do stuff with the kids this weekend. I was going to drive 10 hours to see my folks, but that seems ridiculous for a short weekend. Even if it is a park, can do that all day.
Rob, I did go to the b-ball game and had a great time with the kids. Front row seats, S6 got a game ball, the boys got balls on strings, the couple behind me complimented me on how well behaved the kids were and we all came home in great moods!
H had come up stairs at about time to leave and asked if we were going to eat at the ball park. I told him I thought we decided he wasn't going. He gave his grumpy look and started the spiel about how much stuff to do around the house---I said, I know, I understand, and that is fine, I'll take the kids. He gave me a look like he didn't quite trust the words out of my mouth, and ready to still argue with me.
Felt good that I went and didn't make him. New goal--do not force family time on H. It isn't fun anyway with an unwilling party.
