Still Working on Us

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

my response also got very long......

i've been away for awhile, not sure why i checked back to see what was going on, i guess it is because of the even tthat took place this weekend.

i have been distant, i wanted distance to truly feel what it would be like without you. It's been an adjustment to not have someone there with me to talk to, or bounce ideas off of, to help with the dishes, to chat with on the couch at night. It's been hard to answer the kids questions of when will you come home, or when will you and decide if you can work things out.

I miss the house and all the decorating we've done, i miss the little luxuries we have there. i miss the seemingly perfect family situation. but for me that perfect family situation always seemed tainted somehow. tainted by me - absolutely - but tainted none-the-less. tainted becasue there was this uneasiness inside of me, this missing something.

When i think of going back i try to imagine if i would be happy and run into your arms, would i go cautiously afraid of the same feelings coming back and then i would break hearts again when the same feelings surface. I am afraid of not finding that connection that i'm looking for, but i also think that if i don't look i will never find it.

yes i was offended when you told me that i am not welcome at the new restaurant. and that you took Kate there. i feel guilty for what i've done to you, and the hurt that i have caused others. I am sensitive that way. I hate when people dislike me - yes, its my low self esteem. something i'm trying to work hard on but can't seem to do it. So while i deserve their resentment it hurts a lot.

i think i haven't felt accepted by your family because your family is just different in the way they express their emotions and because they are so far away. We just dont' spend as much time with them due to miles between us or busy schedules. So i have never really felt close to them. Your mom has been wonderful to me through it all and i appreciate that.

As for my fairy tale of a loving relationship - you have said exactly the same things to me in the past. You want to be that old couple sitting on a bench or the porch swing, holding hands reminiscing about their long life together. maybe you didn't specifically say that you would die right after me because we can't live without each other, but you want that same fairy tale. Don't make me the bad guy for wanting the same thing just because i don't know that it is with you that i will find it.

i know that the feelings of first loving some one are fleeting, true love is deep and comes with time. i understand that. and if that had happened for me, was happenin gfor me, then i wouldn't have left. I wouldn't have cheated twice. i don't just throw in the towel when things get rough. I've worked through a lot in my life and I need to work on figuring out me and what it is that i want - while looking out for the kids as best i can as well. hence the parenting binder - so we are both on the same page and we don't miss their stuff.

I know i don't always remember to tell you things, if it's in that book we are both responsible to read it and know. i didn't and will not move out of town - because of the kids and their stability. i do make my decisions with them in mind.

i know you feel like i misled you with regard to my reasoning for moving out. i hate to admit that i did but not with the intention of hurting you. i was trying to figure out a way to make it an easier transition and not so final. i now tbelieve i know how i want this to all turn out, but i am afraid of just doing it. i am afraid that no reason will be "ok" with you. i know there will never be an ok reason for D in your eyes. You had said you could accept it if it was truly something i wanted, but couldn't accept it at the time because of the OG. I don't know if you really could accept or if i should expect you to.

we need to talk about this in person. I know i've avoided talking to you, but this is exactly why.