Too many times (not picking on anyone specifically) I read men's stories about their wives not wanting sex anymore or not being "into it" enough or never initiating sex, and yet these same men really don't take any suggestions to heart. They simply are stumped by their wives behavior and they can't seem to move forward into the mode of positive change.
It's incredibly hard, Dance. I would have sounded just like them a couple of years ago. You feel entangled in vines of anger, frustration, resentment, and self-righteousness, and honestly can't move an inch until you can relax and let go enough to loosen their grip on you (and your grip on them).
For me to begin this process, it took a six-month long job-related separation, with myself and my wife on opposite ends of the country; a cold, cloudy, gloomy winter when I hadn't lived in snow country in years; and an honest to goodness Mid-life Crisis where I was (figuratively) visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future and forced to really take stock of myself, my relationships, and where everything were headed. It didn't look pretty. If I was to live a long, happy life, I knew that things had to change drastically, and the only person that I could change was myself. That realization is the first step.
Now, most folks probably don't have to go through a gut-wrenching MLC to reach this point, especially if their marriage has only been broken for a few years, rather than the 20+ mine had been. But I tend to give these guys a break -- I've been there, and it's hard as heck to get out of those vines.
I'm also lucky, extremely and gratefully lucky, that I have a woman who's love for me stayed true, and who was, herself, able to break free and start moving down this path that we now walk together.
Take care,
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
