Please define "call all the shots." CBK is still able to set reasonable boundaries (no contact with OM for example, and proof via transparency), isn't it? Just treat his wife, should she come back, as a full partner in their marriage, correct?
Just trying to clarify your position. Thanks.
Puppy
"call the shots"...in a short answer, he's letting me lead our interactions. I could give a bunch of examples, but the overall feeling is that he accepts me, respects my time, he's interested in my opinions, & respects my choices.
I can't say what is reasonable for CBK. He's said that her being in contact with OM is a dealbreaker. Each time my H tried to push me to end contact with OM, it pushed me closer to OM. OM made no demands on me, my H had made too many demands for too many years. I knew how that felt & I didn't want that anymore.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I hope so, because as I said, you're helping me a lot. Just wanting to return the favor.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks SC - you know me - I take it all in and then make it up as I go - ask all the posters
I didn't mean to sound harsh, I reread the log and I can see how it may have come off. I want as much info as possible, it does help my thinking.
Thanks again,
CBK
Yes I do know you, I mean geez, we're practically married to each other right. LOL I thought that was the purpose, take it all in, weigh it out, then decide for ourselves what to do.....have I got it wrong ?
No worries about sounding harsh, this is the place to dump it all, so you can go to MC in the right frame of mind. Besides, in some of my posts I probably sound like a cold blooded selfish cheating b*tch, but guess what, I'm not.
Anything I can do to help, let me know.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Please define "call all the shots." CBK is still able to set reasonable boundaries (no contact with OM for example, and proof via transparency), isn't it? Just treat his wife, should she come back, as a full partner in their marriage, correct?
Just trying to clarify your position. Thanks.
Puppy
"call the shots"...in a short answer, he's letting me lead our interactions. I could give a bunch of examples, but the overall feeling is that he accepts me, respects my time, he's interested in my opinions, & respects my choices.
I can't say what is reasonable for CBK. He's said that her being in contact with OM is a dealbreaker. Each time my H tried to push me to end contact with OM, it pushed me closer to OM. OM made no demands on me, my H had made too many demands for too many years. I knew how that felt & I didn't want that anymore.
Thanks for the clarification, Smartcookie. I wholeheartedly agree with you on the first part; the second part is a "boundary" with CBK and not an issue he wishes to exert any "control" over his wife on, it seems to me.
Yes, letting a wayward spouse know that we are no longer willing to live in an open marriage CAN push them toward the OM/OW. But it can also establish a very important personal boundary, and compel the wayward spouse to make an informed decision. Understanding, of course, that that decision may not go the way we want it to.
Just a thought as I am reading posts during my lunch. I am sure you have all seen the Verizon commercial with the entire network following the callers around and the guy saying "can you hear me?" - well, that is what I need, I need you all to hop a plane to Nor Cal, some of you can drive, and be in with me for my MC - just like the commercial. When I start to diverge off my path, get upset, not listen or whatever, you can all pull me back in - I want my network with me!!!! Is this too much to ask?
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
I'm calling the airlines right now. Fixing marriages one at a time. That's our logo.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Just had lunch with my one our mutual friends - our kids grew up together. It was a good convo. He said of all the couples, we were the last ones that they all thought this would happen to! They could tell who is working and who isn't on the M. My WAW doesn't think they can tell - got news for her. He said that he wished there was something he could do - I said so do I. I probably said more than I should have, but your know what, I am so tired of putting up the good front. I don't go into details, but I do let them know I was caught off guard and WAW initiated the entire thing, I am working on saving the M and will do so for a long time. We call them the 7 families, we have been doing stuff for 10 years together and they love us and we love them. Another piece of my life I may eventually have to give up if we cannot settle. I don't think I could bring another person into that group, I am sure WAW couldn't bring the current OM - but you never know.
My stomach is turning into knots, I wish WAW would not have called to schedule the meeting today, I would have much prefered NC until Thursday, now I am only thinking what she wants and assuming it is the worst. I guess that is good, low to no expectations, then anything above that is icing...
Emotionally detach, I am not consistantly thinking about her, just what the next step is going to be. Wish I was a mind reader, but if I was that, I wouldn't be in this sitch.
Okay mind STOP THINKING!!!!
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
That is what I will keep telling myself - and it is true to an extent, when I say expect nothing, I am expecting the worse - maybe that is the wrong way to look at it - but the pessimist side of me (which is my weaker half) is coming out.
Not much I can do. I need to stay strong through the night tonight. Was planning on hitting a bucket, but may go get hair cut and a couple of new shirts - want to look nice for MC
I have seen three different Doc's - no AD perscribed. In my worst of times, I would have loved one. My son is ADD, wonder if I should take one of his Concerta's? That is supposed to help me focus - knowing my luck it will make me more emotional!
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
