Give her some time. She is going to counseling, so that is very good. You wouldn't believe the number of people who refuse any help, but also can't make it better themselves. If she is willing to seek out help and be open to advice from others, that is a good thing. Honestly, I never thought my husband would go. We had tried counseling twice during our marriage, and had not had very good results. We did get a lot more out of Retrouvaille, largely because of the intensity of it -- the entire weekend devoted to thinking about ourselves and our marriage. An hour a week just didn't have enough impact.
We have had no episodes of OM or OW intruding back into our lives.
Your first post on this thread talks of your H's A, yet nothing of yours. If willing, would you mind sharing? The insight could be very helpful to many.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I liked to have 2 boyfriends at all times while dating. One local, and one long distance. That way if I lost one, I had another for emotional support until I replaced him. So when I got married, I was in love with both men, my husband and OM. But I chose my husband because OM did not want to get married, and he didn't want children. Things were fine for several years, but then I started missing OM. And I found out he had married someone else. I was heartbroken because I thought he would never marry. That if things didn't work out in my marriage, I could get back together with him. Anyway, the mind took over. I became angry with my husband, convinced he had stolen me away from my true love. And I kept in touch with OM periodically. Even saw him a couple of times. This went on for years! My daughter was an infant when I first had these thoughts, and she was 21 when we finally went to Retrouvaille and fixed our marriage.
As shocked as I was when my H had an affair, I knew I had driven him to it with my cold behavior for 20 years. At Retrouvaille they talked about what you needed to forgive yourself for in your marriage. I knew it was keeping in contact with OM. After Retrouvaille I emailed OM that I was fixing my marriage and would not contact him again. And we've had an occasional email that was newsy, but nothing emotional since then.
We have had no episodes of OM or OW intruding back into our lives. They disappeared like magic once we stopped carrying them in our hearts. Such a bad habit that romantic nostalgia is!
Quote:
After Retrouvaille I emailed OM that I was fixing my marriage and would not contact him again. And we've had an occasional email that was newsy, but nothing emotional since then.
So there has been occasional contact since then, after you stated that you would not contact him again.
Is your H aware of this? What does he say? And how do you think he really feels about that? Does he still have contact with OW?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
No. My relationship with OM was physical and emotional. I had lived with him for a time about a year before I met my husband. And while I developed my relationship with my husband, I told him that since the other relationship preceded his, and we were not married, that I would continue it. However, I never had permission to continue it after marriage. Since OM did not want marriage and kids, he had once said to me, "let's get together again in 20 years." I had agreed. We were 21 at the time. I fully expected that when I was 41 we would get back together. When it didn't happen, I thought it was just late. I carried him in my heart, expecting to reunite with him for about 25 years. This was incredibly distructive to my marriage. I thought my husband couldn't read my thoughts. And that may be true, but, my thoughts led to cold actions that my husband could easily read.
When my husband had his affair and I was faced with being a LBS, I contacted OM, and told him pointblank. It was now or never. We either had to get back together or I was going to fix my marriage. He told me he intended to stay married to his wife, they had their retirements all set up.
So that told me a lot of things. It told me I'd been a stupid dreaming fool for 20 years. It told me money was more important than love to him. And it made me see that this dream I had clung to for 20 years had never been more than a fantasy. All I really had was a penpal. And of course, I lost respect for him, because he had let me on through the years, and then he had the nerve to say he had never led me on. It doesn't matter if I get an email a year from him telling me about his trips to China or wherever. I am over it.
PAs are terribly awful, but I think EAs have the dangerous potential to be even more devastating.
GF, Let me rephrase that... What I meant to say was it EA only or both EA and PA? It certainly was not my intention to imply that an EA was not devatstating. Any time your spouse shares themselves wih another, whether it be emotional or physical it is very painful.
Sara, Thanks for sharing. It is always helpful to hear the insights of others who have been on both sides.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Ok, I understand and believe if you say that you're over it. I just find it interesting that you would say if there's an e-mail a year or whatever from now that it doesn't matter.
Again, is your H aware of the occasional continued contact that has taken place? How do you think he feels about that? Is there still contact between your H and the OW, and if so, how do you feel about that?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
