Wading with Water wings - 23 years...

[CBK]

You are right SC - she doesn't want to be carried right now and is trying to find herself and be strong on her own. I was always willing to carry her, even today, with all the chit I have been going through, I will be there for her.

[thegoodfight]

CBK you love who your wife was, not who she is, are in love with the woman you married, not the person that walked away. It is okay to love your wife, but you don't love the person she is right now. If the wife you loved comes home great! You don't want the person that is involved with the OM!

I believe you want your wife home, but I don't believe you want the person that has contributed to your pain and suffering home. Take care of yourself! You don't need a person that would hurt you and walk out! You want your wife, she is lost right now!

BUILD ON THE PROGRESS YOU HAVE MADE FOR YOURSELF! IF YOU THINK YOU ARE BACKSLIDING THEN YOU PROBABLY ARE!

[HopefultotheEnd]

Wow, CBK. Other than the ages and durations I'm you a few months ago. I have so much to learn from your threads that my head is spinning.

I've been here for a month but have only read bits and pieces. I just never made the connection.

I've been making my own mistakes but think I'm heading in the right direction now.

Thank you all for helping not just CBK but all of us LBS.

I'm going to have to re-read these threads.

Stay the course!

Keep up the effort,

[CBK]

Thanks GF - one of my good friends said I lost the woman I married the day she started the A - I do get what you are saying about who she is today - and I don't want that person. She has a lot of work to do as well to be that caring, loving person that I fell in love with. Over this past weekend, I asked myself that same question, am I in love with this person or the thought of the past person - obviously, it was not the person of today. The person today is willing to hurt me at the drop of a hat it seems - I hope she finds herself. Meanwhile, I need to find myslef during the process - and that is what you are telling me.

Luckily, my IC just called to see how I was doing, we were able to talk a few issues out as well.

I wish she would have never called or I didn't pick up the call and let it go to voice mail - but like I said, I will do okay through the day - have a lunch with my neighbor who happens to work just down the street from me, so that will be good.

When I talk backsliding here, I mean as far as emotional detachment - I will get through this, I will be okay and I will be a much stronger man as I learn to control the emotions from within!

Thanks again,

CBK

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Backfire for me was that she just kept saying that she deserves to be selfish and her IC said it was okay, so it just made her more upset and me more emotional. What I was trying to do early with telling her she was being selfish was for her to realize all fo the other people involved, she could give a rat's behind.

CBK

Let me ask you this: If you could learn to be less emotional (and I already think you've come a loooooong way in this regard), would you care that she became more "upset"?

What I'm trying to get across to you is to try to make your strategic and tactical decisions based on their likelihood of SUCCESS, NOT on whether or not they "anger" your wife. Your own reactivity is definitely a problem, but it's correctable. HER strong reaction can often mean you've hit a target, and that can be a GOOD thing.

Food for thought.

Puppy

[smartcookie]

I am going to make it simple - if she wants to come back, OM has got to be out of the picture. Even if she doesn't want to work on us right now, that is okay. The other is to be treated with civility, I am okay with a roommate right now - we can work from there. If she cannot abide by these two boundaries, I don't see much sense in her moving back.

I miss her a great deal, still love her, but am losing the need to call her or worry about her every move right now. She has been lying to me for over a year now, she won't stop overnight. I just got that ever-so-familiar knot in my stomach... groan.

CBK

Just to confuse the matter further, I thought I'd share my opinion here.

H tried to give me an ultimatum last Nov. Him or OM. I would have chosen to continue to communicate with OM (who I'd never met in person, lived on the opposite coast, who was 13 years older than me). Sounds like a stupid choice, huh.

I wasn't choosing OM, I was choosing not to let H CONTROL ME. That was the major issue in our R. H was extremely controlling.

My H kept saying OM was the wedge between us, he wasn't, our R was the wedge. I kept asking H what was the wedge for the 10 years when OM wasn't around ???

I do agree with setting boundaries on how she treats you.

Just my 2 cents.

[CBK]

Hey HTE -

I will go check your thread, but you are right, we are very close in sitch's. You in Nor Cal or So Cal?

Honestly, it will take you almost a day to read the threads, but I have to say, when I re-read them, it was very helpful. You will see how quickly my emotions changed, how I was not able to hear what posters were saying. I have only been on this board for a month and have learned a lot. In some ways, I am glad I found it so quickly, in other ways, wish I could have had more of my emotions in check before I got here.

Bottom line is I am finally working on me and my family - if WAW wants to join us anytime soon, the door is always open, and after our MC this Thursday, she will know the only 2 boundaries.

Have fun reading -

CBK

[CBK]

Interesting thought Puppy.

First, yes, I am getting much better on the emotional front, but also realize it has only been a few days, so have a long way to go.

I am pretty determined right now on my action plan for MC - if she doesn't like it, and she may not, then I am really okay. I also have to remember that she has her agenda as she walks into MC, so that is the part I can NOT be reactionary too.

CBK

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am going to make it simple - if she wants to come back, OM has got to be out of the picture. Even if she doesn't want to work on us right now, that is okay. The other is to be treated with civility, I am okay with a roommate right now - we can work from there. If she cannot abide by these two boundaries, I don't see much sense in her moving back.

I miss her a great deal, still love her, but am losing the need to call her or worry about her every move right now. She has been lying to me for over a year now, she won't stop overnight. I just got that ever-so-familiar knot in my stomach... groan.

CBK

Just to confuse the matter further, I thought I'd share my opinion here.

H tried to give me an ultimatum last Nov. Him or OM. I would have chosen to continue to communicate with OM (who I'd never met in person, lived on the opposite coast, who was 13 years older than me). Sounds like a stupid choice, huh.

I wasn't choosing OM, I was choosing not to let H CONTROL ME. That was the major issue in our R. H was extremely controlling.

As pro-confrontation and pro-exposure as I am, I do think there are times when it's NOT advisable. (One is when the betrayed spouse is not emotionally capable of handling the blowback without escalating things, for example.)

But another time, I believe, is when the BS's personality and marital style -- pre- his/her wayward spouse's affair -- was controlling, overly stern, etc.

IOW, I think it works best when the firm boundary-setting/enforcing, the confrontation, and the exposure, all represent a "180" from the normally-meeker betrayed spouse.

Puppy

[CBK]

SC - there is a lot of truth in what you say. I know our marriage was strained before the A - the hard part is that everybody that knows us thought we were very happy, heck, I thought we were happy, strained after raising two kids and in a private college in CA, so finances and empty nesting was the reason I thought we were strained. Now that we are in counseling, I see the role I played, in fact, I take the majority of blame (not all) in the stress. But for me to ask her to give up OM is a deal breaker. There is no working on a R with WAW if he is in the picture. If she thinks there is a future for them, then she needs to figure that out, I will be working on me and the R for a long time - so if that doesn't work, and I am still around, great. But for me, I honestly can not function knowing that she is living in our home while continuing an EA with a OM she had a PA with. It will no longer sit with me.

CBK