Well, too late to say no now! I would actually have prefered to go in earlier myself, but I didn't call MC to see if we could as I didn't want to pursue WAW. As I sit here and reflect, she called without asking, probably should have said something, but right now, I am taking out any negativity. I have my plan right now, and now have a few more days to refine my thoughts.
The knots, heck, you know me Mike, I have actually been good for the past few days, had a rough patch last night, so this kind of compounded the feeling. I am keeping my expectations low whether it be today or Thursday. I am trying to mind read again, and this has gotten me in trouble before, so let me get out of that tunnel.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
I have to say I very much feel for CBK and I know his heart is broken! I also have to say to CBK she only has the power that you give her! I am very sorry, if the MC tears you up too much, then stop, if you want to be a part of it and see hear, then continue!
Ultimately you should start thinking about you first, relationship second! I am sorry to say but she has these priorities, Her, OM, then maybe Family. It hurts but it is what it is!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
You are right GF - she has her priorities as her first - she said her IC said it was okay for her to be selfish. Early on in our convo's, I would tell her that she is acting very selfish and there are lots of people involved - well, heck, that seemed to backfire.
I will see how MC goes, like I said, I was walking into those sessions with the victim attitude. That is what I need to change when I get there. I would always try to talk about poor me and WAW would just validate her reasons for wanting to leave me. I hope by Thursday, I will have grown even stronger. I actually scheduled my DB coach that day as well for some added confidence.
We will see what happens - just trying to figure things out.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
CBK, I see your side of it completely. However, being an almost WAW myself, I think that until she has really turned lose of the OM....moving back home will never work. The tension and problems will pick up right where they were when she left. Even if she was to agree not to contact OM again, I would give her some time apart from you until she was through the initial grieving. B/c she will not treat you the way you want to be treated. The reason I say this is b/c she will be going through all kinds of stages of emotions herself. She would,more than likely,take it out on you if she was in the house with you. She will not want to really be around you for a while and she probably won't feel any sexual attraction for you.....according to what most WAW's have said their experience was. However, some that truly have a change of heart....do really try in that area....but usually problems arise sooner or later if the wife returns too soon.
Missing her is not a mess-up. It is normal and you will have many nights like that. Right now, IMHO, I think spending some time apart is doing both of you some good. If she would consent to break it off with the OM and continue to go to the the MC to talk the R out, then in time perhaps she would be emotionally ready to go back home. But right now.....she will resent you, she will lie to you, she won't respect you, she won't spend quality time with you, she will continue to act pissy, and she will cheat....b/c she's not ready.
You, on the other hand, have just begun to feel a bit stronger and if she comes back right now.....you may fall back into the same condition you were before due to her behavior. I think you need more time to get stronger. Also, being apart from you, she is more likely to see you with different "eyes" than when she was there all the time.
If she has no intentions of breaking it off with the OM, then I would tell her she was free to do what she wanted to do but that you were moving on with your life. I would not bring up about separation or divorce. I would just leave it at that. If she asks you if you want a S or D.....I would tell her that she has always known what you wanted. Don't fall into a trap.
I, for one, do not believe that the LBH should have to support his WAW, but that is your business if you want to help her financially or not. But, how can you trust her with a joint account? You couldn't trust her with your M. So, if you do help her financially, you might want to set up some type of allowance or living expenses until things change.
As usual, you get a lot of opinions from us, so in the end, you have to do what you think is right, but I certainly hope you will think it over, CBK, and not agree to a homecoming too quickly.
Talk later,
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just do the best you can, I know it is terrible to not "be yourself". It is frustrating that being loving open and pouring your heart out is the last thing they want to hear! But because of the selfishness on the WAS's part we can't. MC is about open and honest communication, if you can't do that, I don't see the point! Again if it makes you feel better keep on a keeping on!
I am the one that "pushed for MC" after 6 weeks I am the one that said this is a waste of money. My W. did not want to go because she believed she told me everything and we were just paying someone to hear the same old story. Well that was her attitude about it and sure enough, that is all it was. Needless to say I picked up on it and said enough.
Don't let them see they still hurt you, power like an affair is addictive and corrupting in nature. Give them nothing, some people need to be shown you get what you give! YOU GIVE NOTHING to those that aren't worthy off receiving it! Do that for you! Focus on the "happy" without her and all will be fine!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
<<I am willing to carry her if she wants, but I don't think she wants that right now!
This is so interesting. For all these years, I wanted H to carry me, & I would have given anything if he would have, he refused (he says now that he didn't know how, that I didn't need it, that he thought I was so strong), but in my mind at the time he was refusing, & I felt that pain. Now that I'm working with a great Dr/therapist, I realize I need to carry myself.
Now, for the ironic part. He wants to carry me now. LOL I thank him for offering, but tell him I need to learn to carry myself.
My Dr's favorite saying "it's nice to depend on someone, it's awful to be dependent on someone".
Take care, you sound really good. How was the Spurs & the beer ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
You are right GF - she has her priorities as her first - she said her IC said it was okay for her to be selfish. Early on in our convo's, I would tell her that she is acting very selfish and there are lots of people involved - well, heck, that seemed to backfire.
CBK,
Define "backfire" for us. What was the response when you did this, and why did you interpret it as a failing response?
CBK, I see your side of it completely. However, being an almost WAW myself, I think that until she has really turned lose of the OM....moving back home will never work. The tension and problems will pick up right where they were when she left. Even if she was to agree not to contact OM again, I would give her some time apart from you until she was through the initial grieving. B/c she will not treat you the way you want to be treated. The reason I say this is b/c she will be going through all kinds of stages of emotions herself. She would,more than likely,take it out on you if she was in the house with you. She will not want to really be around you for a while and she probably won't feel any sexual attraction for you.....according to what most WAW's have said their experience was. However, some that truly have a change of heart....do really try in that area....but usually problems arise sooner or later if the wife returns too soon.
Missing her is not a mess-up. It is normal and you will have many nights like that. Right now, IMHO, I think spending some time apart is doing both of you some good. If she would consent to break it off with the OM and continue to go to the the MC to talk the R out, then in time perhaps she would be emotionally ready to go back home. But right now.....she will resent you, she will lie to you, she won't respect you, she won't spend quality time with you, she will continue to act pissy, and she will cheat....b/c she's not ready.
You, on the other hand, have just begun to feel a bit stronger and if she comes back right now.....you may fall back into the same condition you were before due to her behavior. I think you need more time to get stronger. Also, being apart from you, she is more likely to see you with different "eyes" than when she was there all the time.
If she has no intentions of breaking it off with the OM, then I would tell her she was free to do what she wanted to do but that you were moving on with your life. I would not bring up about separation or divorce. I would just leave it at that. If she asks you if you want a S or D.....I would tell her that she has always known what you wanted. Don't fall into a trap.
I, for one, do not believe that the LBH should have to support his WAW, but that is your business if you want to help her financially or not. But, how can you trust her with a joint account? You couldn't trust her with your M. So, if you do help her financially, you might want to set up some type of allowance or living expenses until things change.
As usual, you get a lot of opinions from us, so in the end, you have to do what you think is right, but I certainly hope you will think it over, CBK, and not agree to a homecoming too quickly.
Talk later,
Sandi
CBK,
I could not agree more strongly. You'd be wise to strongly consider what Sandi has written you here.
You are correct that I am just beginning to heal - I have a long way to go. I am sitting in my office and thinking way too much about MC and the sitch. I feel myself slowly slipping back and trying to get out of this little valley I find myself in.
I agree that a too quick of a homecoming could set us all the way back again. I am very aware of that and I like the idea of maybe saying let's wait a month or so IF you cease all contact with OM. I do think she wants out so bad and be on her own, OM or not. But that will be her choice and I have to stop trying to out guess her, that only gets me in trouble. I even think that maybe she is treating me even worse now because she has broken it off with OM, but only she knows what is going on.
She could financially swing a small apartment if she needed to. I know her mom will drive her crazy with questions all the time.
The problem with me is that I WANT her to come back - I have some major traveling coming up, so that too will help.
I am so mad at myself right now because I feel like I am backsliding a bit. I have done so much better with my emotions and my own mental health - and I feel that same pit in my stomach I did last week. Why do I love this woman so much is beyond me - I have so many reasons to walk away right now but cannot. The good news is that I am not contacting her, dropped the rope, detaching (not totally) and no snooping. This has all helped.
I will get better through the day.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Backfire for me was that she just kept saying that she deserves to be selfish and her IC said it was okay, so it just made her more upset and me more emotional. What I was trying to do early with telling her she was being selfish was for her to realize all fo the other people involved, she could give a rat's behind.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
I would actually have prefered to go in earlier myself, but I didn't call MC to see if we could as I didn't want to pursue WAW. As I sit here and reflect, she called without asking, probably should have said something, but right now, I am taking out any negativity. I have my plan right now, and now have a few more days to refine my thoughts.