I do respect the MC therapist--he came highly recommended and is one of the best. I think he totally "gets it" and wants to help us save our marriage. Also, my H likes and trusts him, even when the therapist says things to him like "even though you can be an a-hole at times..."
I think you are probably right that some of my thoughts and feelings are better disclosed in an individual session, which I have done with my own therapist that I see perhaps monthly. She, however, seems to be of the opinion that despite all these years invested in the marriage, perhaps I should get out--that I have settled for crumbs for years, that I am "a catch," that my H is quite narcissistic etc. (Did you read the NYT article a while back, written by a therapist: MLC? Maybe he's just a narcissistic jerk having a meltdown?) So, I am not sure that she is helping my outlook, to say the least!
You are right that I'm considering leaving the M because of his lack of intimacy skills. I am totally burned out on his self-absorbed depression and lack of empathy for me. He seems to be so guarded against realizing how much his behavior hurts my feelings, and I don't think it is productive for me to try to tell him.
So I make jokes about "the care and feeding of your woman" to try to gently clue him in. Sometimes he seems to get it, seems to be trying to make an effort, but he is in the habit of making little jabs at me, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life putting up with someone who feels like that is acceptable.
I almost feel like he needs to get an emotional response out of me, and has been in the habit of not relenting until he succeeds. So, obviously, I need to stop responding to his little (and big) jabs, but that is not how I want to live my life.
So, I know I am making him sound like a garden-variety a-hole. However, he has his fine points, and we have a long history, have built a life, a business, a home, and will share children and grandchildren the rest of our lives.
Actually, I think he is the one who stands to lose if I bail out--I have friends and relate well to people, and he does not have those skills.
So, I want to give him every chance, to feel certain if I leave him, etc. But, I am very discouraged about the idea of a future with him. At this point the only motivation for him to change is that he is depressed and unhappy--not that he wants to enjoy seeing me happy. (Actually, I suspect that he feels like my happiness came at his expense, which is just more of his resentment.)
Well, I have about talked myself into leaving him, the more I write about this...So, is it only fair to let him know how close to that I feel? Perhaps it would shake us out of this infernal limbo...
