Watching,Listening,Waiting

[Concerned_Listener]

Jak,
I'm wondering if there's a way for you to be specific in the steps you want your H to make. At this time you're telling him that your needs aren't being met, and that he needs to make more of an effort.

I'm wondering if he needs more specific guidance here. You're looking for a dialogue, but maybe he needs the right type of leadership--patient, specific, positive.

Think of a way he can experiment with something new, so that he can't fail. Be his mind and voice to start with, and articulate what you think his fears and avoidance might be. Identify small steps for him to take, and please be patient with him. If he senses any impatience or pressure than he will retreat.

You can also take it a step further back, and simply talk about his ambivalence to change. Again, be his mind and voice, and articulate what you think is holding him back.

Often the path towards change, is moving into our fears and uncomfortable emotions, and being able to talk about the avoidance, before one can make a commitment to trying something new. He needs to know that it's OK to have these issues, and they don't take away his positives, and don't lessen your love for him. My guess is that he's very hard on himself for not being a complete husband.

I think the power struggle between you two, is because you're not on the same page. You're committed for him to start showing change, and he's avoiding thinking about difficult thoughts and feelings centered around being more intimate with someone.

I think if you can move closer to where he is, and make the steps smaller for him, you'll have a greater chance of success. You'll have to work at being patient with him, and being empathetic towards his struggles with avoidance and intimacy. He has to trust that you're safe to talk to about these issues.

It's a dilemma for you, because you're invested in him changing, but you also have the vantage point of being influential in helping him change, if you can adopt the right stance.

CL

CL