For the man that means strength (physical and mental), courage, presence, direction, energy, passion and relentless optimism for the future. The majority of men in SSMs have lost these qualities, or are waiting for their woman to give them sex before showing them......
I'm not sure that I agree. I think there are many reasons why a couples' sexual relationship may falter, and it's often the first thing to go when a marriage becomes strained. Each SSM is different.
I will agree that in a long-term SSM, where the husband is the higher-desire partner and he gets turned down regularly and repeatedly over the years, there will be damage to his sense of masculinity. My own self-esteem in the areas of sexual attractiveness and sexual skill has a big, yellow UNDER REPAIR sign on it. But this is just one aspect of what I have to work on right now.
The second aspect is in regard to how I've approached my wife and the relationship in general, and how it was a turn-off to her. I've never had a problem being masculine or being a man out amongst 'the guys,' either at work or at play. But with my wife, I've always been much softer (when I wasn't being angry or distant or withdrawn ), because I thought that was the way I was supposed to be. As I've mentioned, part of this was due to growing up during the sexual revolution, where the old 'Leave it to Beaver' paradigm was under major revision, and part of it was due to not wishing to emulate the household that I grew up in, with a domineering father, submissive mother, and both of them miserable. So for me, the change I am currently undergoing is not a matter of discovering or developing my masculinity, but one of LIBERATING it within the context of my relationship with my wife. To be a bit tongue-in-cheek, this strong, feminine woman wants a strong, masculine man to push against --> and when she pushes, I had better not budge!
It's important to note, however, that there were several other major issues that had to be taken care of first in our relationship, before this issue of roles and masculinity/femininity could be addressed. So while my little epiphany in this area caused several puzzles pieces to suddenly fall into place, the foundation had to be firmly in place for this change to happen.
Take care, all,
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
), because I thought that was the way I was supposed to be. As I've mentioned, part of this was due to growing up during the sexual revolution, where the old 'Leave it to Beaver' paradigm was under major revision, and part of it was due to not wishing to emulate the household that I grew up in, with a domineering father, submissive mother, and both of them miserable. So for me, the change I am currently undergoing is not a matter of discovering or developing my masculinity, but one of LIBERATING it within the context of my relationship with my wife. To be a bit tongue-in-cheek, this strong, feminine woman wants a strong, masculine man to push against --> and when she pushes, I had better not budge!
