My suggestion to not continue MC so long as she was still involved with OM was simply because it's rarely effective. If it helps CBK simply negotiate the terrain of his day-to-day life in the weeks and months ahead, it may be helpful, but I don't want him to get his hopes up that any real MARITAL reconciliation can happen here, so long as his wife continues her affair.
Betrayed spouses often look to a marriage counselor to "convince" their wayward spouse that their affair is "wrong," and to do the necessary hard work for them. That RARELY happens, as the wayward spouse will simply lie to the MC and to their spouse, because "all cheaters lie." So long as there is an active addiction, very little real R work can be done at these sessions.
You give your advice; I give mine. We don't have to agree.
Communication is essential to a marriage. IMO if CBK gets one hour a week of respectable, fair communication with the counselor, then that is better than not getting it. There are many things thay can work on with the counselor other than reconciliation, if reconciliation is not possible at this point. And I'm sure the counselor will have ideas of what those things are and will have goals that they can achieve. CBK can judge if the counseling is worth his time and money. We are on the outside, we cannot.
You and I have different philosophies. We are dealing with humans here, not mathematics. There are many right answers, not just one. CBK will listen and choose.
If we both agreed all the time, one of us wouldn't need to be here.
My advice comes from personal observations about what offers the greatest likelihood of success, not guarantees. MCing when one of the spouses is actively involved in an affair RARELY "works," if you want to definite "works" as being the return of the wayward spouse to the marriage and, ultimately, reconciliation. If CBK and his wife can use it as a staging ground to discuss their family issues in a constructive and civilized way, there's certainly no harm in it, so long as the family's other financial needs are being met.
Hey CBK--I don't have a clue about what to do about MC if OP is involved. I can only offer my own personal experience about MC..my W went for 6 sessions in a row..She went to be freinds, I went to save it. I beleive the sessions helped both of us. We both agreed the only time we would R talk was during the MC sessions and during the evening of the appointment. That's the only time we allowed ourselves to talk about the R.
The last 3 sessions I went to MC alone because the W bailed. I kept going for me AND also because I had told my W early on I was going WHETHER SHE WENT OR NOT. I believe by me continuing on without her it has shown her I am committed to fighting to save our M until the end.
So my suggestion, it does not matter one way or another whether it works or does not work if OM is involved..
IF IT'S GONNA MAKE CBK FEEL BETTER AND MAKE HIM A BETTER PERSON NO MATTER WHAT...THEN JUST DO IT.
Of course my insurance covers the cost and I only pay a $20 co-pay..so this helps me continue and still meet household expenses. it all factors in.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 05/20/0803:30 PM.
WAW just called and asked to see if we could get an earlier appointment than Thursday - may be going today... She will call back. This is the first contact I have had with her and I was upbeat and said if she wanted to go today, that is fine with me.
Whoops, just got an email saying we could wait until Thursday, she had a meeting this afternoon. She is dying to tell me somehting... I am not real optimistic, but who knows. I did answer her email saying we could do both today and Thrusday.
I am on the fence with MC - mostly because it seems to validate all of her feelings toward me and I come out beat up. I have to say though, that was when I was just an emotional wreck. Not saying I couldn't slip back down that slope, but right now, MC is the only contact I will have with WAW - will see where the convo goes.
I am going to make it simple - if she wants to come back, OM has got to be out of the picture. Even if she doesn't want to work on us right now, that is okay. The other is to be treated with civility, I am okay with a roommate right now - we can work from there. If she cannot abide by these two boundaries, I don't see much sense in her moving back.
I miss her a great deal, still love her, but am losing the need to call her or worry about her every move right now. She has been lying to me for over a year now, she won't stop overnight. I just got that ever-so-familiar knot in my stomach... groan.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Did she say she was dying to tell you something or is that what you think?
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Just what I think. She was all business on the phone. Maybe she wants to cut the tension, I don't know. I almost invited her to dinner tonight with me and the kids, but thought, no, wait until after counseling. Also, I will be out tomorrow night and was going to tell her that if she wanted to hve dinner with the kids, I wouldn't be around, and then said, no - if she chooses not to be in the house, then she can reach out to the kids.
Groan.
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
I know you're dying to know what it is, but why not tell her you're NOT AVAILABLE until the original time on Thursday? Why should you be at her beck and call? (or is that "beckon call" -- I never know that one).
She seems to be calling all the shots here. GOOD FOR YOU on your "dealbreakers" -- stick to 'em!!!
Just what I think. She was all business on the phone. Maybe she wants to cut the tension, I don't know. I almost invited her to dinner tonight with me and the kids, but thought, no, wait until after counseling. Also, I will be out tomorrow night and was going to tell her that if she wanted to hve dinner with the kids, I wouldn't be around, and then said, no - if she chooses not to be in the house, then she can reach out to the kids.
Groan.
Good deal...those are good decisons I think..I don't see the need for the groan or the knot in the stomach..looks like you have made some good decisions for YOU. If you feel those are good decisions then you should feel really good right now.
Don't assume what her deal is. You don't know why she wants to move it..REMEMBER NO EXPECTATIONS.
Don't put words in her mouth. Let it just happen and don't over think it.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
