Wading with Water wings - 23 years...

[smartcookie]

CBK, just popping in to check on you. You sound good. Have fun watching the game tonight. take care.

[CBK]

Thanks SC -

Just got back from IC - I was very pulled together when I went it - like I said, I am glad I have a good IC. We talked about what had transpired and I read him the letter - I did tear up a bit when I read the letter though. He thought the letter was very good, no guilt thrown her way, was very direct and succinct, so I felt good about it. He does know Michelle's work and he has been a great help.

We talked about how I made it through the weekend - it was like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders - I was so obsessed with everything - but on Friday, I felt better, the weekend had a couple of rough patches, but slept better than I have in weeks. I think it is just coming to the realization there isn't much I can do except make me a better person. I am disappointed that she is going to the extreme she is, but that is her deal and she has to get through this on her own. I am willing to carry her if she wants, but I don't think she wants that right now! Maybe some day.

Am going to Nordstrom to get my newly tailored clothes and planning my week for a trip next week, decided to stay the weekend in DC with some friends. Need to figure out what we are going to do this weekend though! I think my D21 is going to see one of her girlfriends in college, so S19 and I will hang out. I am sure one of our friends will have something, so will look forward to that.

So - negatives so far:

Miss my WAW
Had a couple of "rough patches" today
Am concerned for WAW and thought at one point to invite her for dinner!

Positives

I didn't contact WAW for dinner
Reall looked forward to work today and accomplished a lot
Had a good IC session - the time flew by
Going to get my newly tailored clothes!
Will cook dinner and spend time with the kids!

Working on PMA tonight, maybe no GAL as I want to root on the Spurs for my friend H4H - so maybe a one beer in front of the tube!

Later - Peace

CBK

[sandi2]

This is the CBK I've been waiting to hear about!

Hey sweetie, you sound sooooo much better now. Sorry to have hit you so hard up beside the head, but I was afraid that you were totally loosing it.

I think with your W leaving, it has given you a chance to take in a deep breath and look at your stitch more perspectively. You have been able to look back and see what your main problems were and hopefully watch out and not repeat those in the future....but all you can do is keep trying. You know my saying, just because your foot slips.....don't jump off the entire mountain!

H4H is right in that people should be able to come here and express their thoughts and journal. However, please let us know when that is what you are doing. Usually you did tell us in advance that you were just journaling, but the time you were talking about how you thought of driving by where your W was....you didn't tell us your were journaling....and even though you said you were just thinking about it.....I knew you were in deep trouble b/c you were so obsessed with the whole thing. Which, all of what you have been through is normal....it is awful for anybody to have to suffer that kind of pain.

I'll have to say that you have been given more......shall I say contradicting advice than about anyone I've ever seen on this board. So, all in all......you sound pretty well in control considering everything...lol.

My choice is now to mend and heal. I have been beating myself up daily, obsessing daily, etc. No more Sara - I am done with that. Will I slip now and then, I am sure I will, but I don't ever want to be where I was - that was pure misery!

This is being realistic! No more asking "why did my W do this" etc. That gets you nowhere. But, you had to get over that hump. Yes, you will probably slip at times, but you sound so much stronger now and I think you will start to heal. Now you will be able to start the kind of work on yourself that we have been trying to tell you about, but you were hurting too badly to see it (I think). When a person is in so much pain, you just can't think rationally. That is why we have the 2x4's......to help one's thinking. It is like a "shock treatment" and I know some don't approve of it, but it usually gets your attention.

At any rate, we all care very much about you.....even if everyone doesn't agree on what you should do or how you should do. You have had more responses that just about anyone I know.....and that says a lot about you.

CBK, I don't want to give false hope here, but your W leaving the house may put a lot of pressure on the OM. If your W is wanting him to leave his M and is showing him that she has walked away from hers.....I would think it would apply pressure on him. So, this could be the breaking point of their A. But, regardless of how it goes, you have the right attitude and I want you to keep it. The fact that she is going to MC surprises me since she has left the house. Her crying was a sign that the reality of walking away from a 23 year M was hitting her. Like I said, the two of you have a history where she and OM do not. Howbeit, she may try to rewrite it occasionally!

I know that DBing says to keep a PMA, but I think you are being realistic and are saying....."I'm hoping for the best, but am braced for the worst".

She is crazy if she leaves a man like you. It is obvious that you worship the ground she walks on. We are all hoping and praying that this will work out. I think it will take time.....but however it turns out.....YOU are going to be okay! I think you are seeing clearly now and know what you need to do....at least you have a better idea.

And, CBK......you did man-up.

Take care, sweetie. You still have a lot of living to do, so make everyday count.

Sandi

[CBK]

Sandi - you mean the world to me - although we have never met, and may never meet, you have helped pull me through some of the worst times that I have ever experienced. I will forever be indebted to you.

As I sit outside on the upstairs balcony outside, just thinking how lucky I am right now, looking out over the hills and able to look in at the TV to catch enough basketball to root on H4H's Spurs and enjoying my one beer during the game at half time

I think I was able to really see what my problems were and still are - the first step for me is to realize these issues if I am going to fix them and try and not let them happen again. I was almost jumping off that mountain and I think that if WAW would have been in the house this weekend, I may have jumped!

I didn't feel that beat up actually - I knew where I was and knew there was some misunderstandings, that is part of the process. I will be more careful though on what I say I am thinking and what I actually do - wow, that was a lesson!

I was glad I took the day on Saturday and re-read everything - reread many as well trying to see what I could have done different. So many options, but as you know, my mental state was not "right" as they say. I was so obsessed with the A, the "why me" attitude, etc. that I was not rationally looking at the entire picture - still not seeing the entire picture, but at least is is only fuzzy now, not totally blacked out!

No doubt I was hurting too bad to really try and heal myself - I was a total mess most of the day, getting no work done during a major restructure, sitting in my office just feeling sorry for myself. Good thing I surrounded myself with great people at work. I am going to give my assistant and her boyfriend a night in San Francisco - she has been such a trooper keeping me on top of the necessities. I am a lucky man in many ways.

As you said, the posters have been unreal. I hope others come here and read the strings - so much to learn from, seeing the peaks and valleys of raw emotion. Never, and I mean never, have I felt so weak and vulnerable, it was humbling at best. I can only pray that others do not go through this, but I know there are others that are going through similar or worse pain than I have. I pray every night that others find a better path than I did.

No false hope about WAW - she is making her decisions and is getting the room she needs to heal herself. I also think the call I made put some pressure on OM as well - good. When I was at IC today, he asked if I was sorry I called, I said no - I feel no remorse for calling - other things, yes, but that, nope. It may have come to a realization for W that it may not work out either. She hasn't reached out at all to me, but that is okay, she needs time to heal as well and it may take her a long time. The one thing I am disappointed in about WAW is that she quit going to church, but I guess when you break one of the "big rules" you have to come with the right mind set asking for forgiveness. Well, enough about her!

I think she is going to MC so it is a safe environment to talk - I am going to post some questions that I have about this shortly though.

I have to be realistic, I haven't been yet - just hoping that she would fall back into my arms, no fairy tale ending for this sitch right now - hopefully in the future.

I tear up a bit when you say I worship the ground she walks on, that is so true. I have been a lucky man in many ways as she is the only person I have been with my entire life - I was a good kid holding out for the right woman - still think I made the right choice after all that has happened.

I wish I would have "manned up" earlier, she may or may not still be here, but my God, I was torturing myself. The only good thing so far is the 42 lbs that I have lost. I got 7 pair of my pants tailored, and walking through Nordstorm's, I saw some casual stuff that I will be buying soon - have the men's sale coming up soon!

Sandi, thanks again, and to all the other posters on my threads - I too think she is a fool to walk away from what we have built and the man whom she had - and still can if she comes too before it is too late.

Signing off right now as teary eyed CBK - but tears of thanks to all of you.

CBK

[Ready2Change]

Hi CBK,

Sorry to hear your hands are burned!

Thanks for stopping in my thread. I am now going to catch up on yours...

[sandi2]

The one thing I am disappointed in about WAW is that she quit going to church, but I guess when you break one of the "big rules" you have to come with the right mind set asking for forgiveness.

That is so true! It is hard to go to church when you know you are living against what God wants for your life. When she gets herself together, she will go back.

I think her leaving right now has been the best for both of you. Usually, I encourage people to stay under the same roof as long as they can, but it was tearing you up too badly and it was just making her more mad as the days went by. So, being apart good very well be what both of you need to heal. She certainly needs space and time to figure out what she wants and what she is going to do about OM. But, thank God, you are not being obsessed with all of that....instead you are seeing what all you have to be thankful for. To me, that is being a man! Your idea of the trip for your assistant and boyfriend is excellent. She has covered your back during a difficult time, so let her know how you appreciate that.

I would love to talk longer, but have to get ready for work. Have a great day and keep up the PMA.

Sandi

[CBK]

Good morning all -

Had a little rough patch last night, just was in a "miss my wife" mood. Didn't think about contacting her, but needed a good cry I guess. That has been the first one since Friday I think.

Okay, I need some input:

I have MC on Thursday, I know, why go, but this is the only time I think my WAW will talk to me. Since she told the kids she was only going to move out for a few days, my IC thinks she may want to talk about her moving back in. I am fine with this, but we need to set up some boundaries

1) She must stop contact with the other man
2) She needs to treat me with respect, even like a roommate is okay. I can't put up with the "pissyness" all the time

I would also like to say let's just spend 5 to 10 minutes a day and talk about "stuff" - just sit on the front porch over a glass of wine or a margarita.

Does this sound okay?

There is also the chance where she may say it is impossible to get to a place where she is happy with herself as long as she is in the house - if this comes up, I plan on saying "I am sorry you feel this way, but if that is truly how you feel, I will not stand in your way to find an apartment" IF this happens, should I also say that we need to have separate accounts as well or is that going to far?

Any other suggestions? I have until Thursday, so all input is needed and welcome.

CBK

[ernest88]

Good morning all -

Had a little rough patch last night, just was in a "miss my wife" mood. Didn't think about contacting her, but needed a good cry I guess. That has been the first one since Friday I think.

Okay, I need some input:

I have MC on Thursday, I know, why go, but this is the only time I think my WAW will talk to me. Since she told the kids she was only going to move out for a few days, my IC thinks she may want to talk about her moving back in. I am fine with this, but we need to set up some boundaries

1) She must stop contact with the other man
2) She needs to treat me with respect, even like a roommate is okay. I can't put up with the "pissyness" all the time

I would also like to say let's just spend 5 to 10 minutes a day and talk about "stuff" - just sit on the front porch over a glass of wine or a margarita.

Does this sound okay?

There is also the chance where she may say it is impossible to get to a place where she is happy with herself as long as she is in the house - if this comes up, I plan on saying "I am sorry you feel this way, but if that is truly how you feel, I will not stand in your way to find an apartment" IF this happens, should I also say that we need to have separate accounts as well or is that going to far?

Any other suggestions? I have until Thursday, so all input is needed and welcome.

CBK

I would not worry about whether your W shows up at MC or not. Go anyway for you. Your boundaries are your boundaries. I don't see anything wrong with setting boundaries. I don't know if I would let her know that you feel she is being "pissy" all the time..may want to find another word to use..

I think the small talk stuff comes as the anger subsides. If you attempt to make her have a glass and sit with you to talk about stuff then I think she will see that as pressure.

There is also the chance where she may say it is impossible to get to a place where she is happy with herself as long as she is in the house - if this comes up, I plan on saying "I am sorry you feel this way, but if that is truly how you feel, I will not stand in your way to find an apartment" IF this happens, should I also say that we need to have separate accounts as well or is that going to far?

I can see why you would say this..I'm wondering if you should just change a few words..instead of "to find an apartment" you should replace with "and let you go".

I also don't like the idea of separating things until it's all over. Separating things that have traditionally been joint can give her the impression that you have given up....of course, if she is not being responsible with the accounts or using them to "eat cake" then I think you should protect yourself and separate them. Hope I've not confused you more than you already are.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CBK,

I like both of your boundaries -- those are excellent. I would add a third, and that is "I cannot continue MC so long as you're in an active affair," as it's just a waste of your time and family finances.

I wouldn't recommend pushing for "margarita time" -- too "pursuing," and frankly you're not in a position to be asking for that right now. Plus, "he's smothering me!" is likely her complaint that drove her out of the house anyway, fair or unfair.

I certainly don't think you should have to pay for an apartment so long as she's free to live at your house with those two very reasonable boundaries. If she can't abide those, she of course can pay for her own place, or a judge may force YOU to, but you certainly shouldn't do so voluntarily, as it would only be enabling her wayward behavior.

Puppy

[Sara]

I think you are absolutely correct to insist on being treated with respect. I am fond of saying to be treated at least as well as she would treat a stranger. I'm sure your wife does not go around treating strangers with the attitude you get at home. That is critical.

And yes, you do need to demand that she stop contacting OM. Although they all lie, so it is not that valuable a promise from most cheaters.

I wouldn't give up the MC so quickly. It is a place where you can communicate with a referee. It is likely to be more productive than trying to talk to her alone. But then I would have to judge that by my feeling at these sessions. Is the counselor making the situation fair to both people? Perhaps the counselor will have some other ideas of how the two of you can improve your homelife. I think a set time to talk about things is a good idea.

And I would let her know that if she cannot be civil to you and treat you with a modicum of respect, that the promise to not tell people, including the kids, about her affair is finished. They should know what is going on in their own family as it affects them as much as it affects you. And as adults, they may want to say what they think of the situation.

I hope the session will go well.