Well I've debated a lot about heading to the UK for a long weekend and finally decided it's too costly. Also I realized it would be a very, very bittersweet trip for me. Granted we got separated just before we moved back and in many regards it was probably the worst part of our marriage for her. But it also for me was the best 2 years of it as well. There definitely were a lot of great memories for me, hence why I was considering returning. She gave so much of herself to me while we were there but in the end she couldn't find her own happiness because she was looking for me and our marriage to provide it. She had lost who she was yet her she was trying so d@mn hard to reconnect us. She did and I fell madly back in love with her. But her issues, I believe she was seriously MLC at this time, kept her from seeing and feeling all I was trying to do for her. I too was trying so hard but it wasn't enough because I was also in such a bad place in how I viewed myself.
So back to the present. She's gotten very distant the last month or two. She's getting out and doing things for herself now and occasionally tells me about them, rock climbing and hiking are the two big ones.
Last week she was once again in the UK and Germany and she had some fun travel challenges. She was sharing them with me as they happened, sending either emails to texts. We had a good laugh together about it all. She returned Friday and evidently sent me a text that I never received which may have been a bad thing. It sounded like there was some expectation she had. So Sunday afternoon she sent me a text asking if I would like to join them for dinner after I dropped the girls off. She's not invited me to dinner in months now. This was until Jan a regular thing.
We had a wonderful dinner and enjoyed being together as a family. I cleaned the kitchen not to curry favor but because I wanted to. She appreciated it but may have wondered if I was trying to curry favor. After dinner she went about a number of tasks in the house, laundry etc. I sat with the girls but did offer assistance which was politely turned down. She didn't seem to want me to leave but wasn't entirely comfortable with me there either. Strange since she needed to give me a ride home!
Now a bit of a backslide or mistake on my part. I did ask her while at the dinner table if I could take the girls to see the new Indiana Jones movie on Th. We'd been talking about it for months. Well she had planned to do that. The girls made an overture about doing it as a family and I said "if Mommy would like that, I'm ok with it." What I should have done was not ask and let her take them. So last night I told her I didn't want to infringe on their time together and wanted them to have a good time at the movies. She appreciated the offer and said "that's probably a good idea because I don't want the girls to get the wrong impression."
I'm reading that as I took too big of a step. I say that because last week she asked me to buy 4 tickets to tonight's school awards banquet. She wants us to go as a family. My thought is Sunday dinner and tonight are all she can handle for the week. So I'll back off let her be and enjoy the bit of time together with her and the girls.
Oh one other thing, I think I have finally, finally mastered attitude. This may sound strange but I feel like I am in a position of control, of power. I'm confident, happy, in-control of me and my life. When we are together now I don't seem to have to fight off the undercurrent of anger and bitterness from being rejected by her. In the past I would sometimes get angry just before we met because I was upset about being rejected by her. Not now, and oddly it's because I realize I have control of my life, specifically I have options!
Also I've noticed when we have been together lately I'm the confident one, she seems a little reserved, she seems to be doing what I had been doing, fighting off some undercurrent of negative emotions. She's made a couple of comments on the change she seen in me. So I have wondered if she's processing it all now and finally realizing I am this renewed man, the man she married and who was lost for so long, the man I for so long was trying to be while also rejecting my role. Who knows, but I'm finally very happy with who I am even more so now then when I made all the big step over the last year and a half. I also wonder if she's struggling as she sees I'm moving forward and moving forward without her. I'm actively looking for a house to purchase now, somewhere that will be home for me and the girls. I'm also looking to replace my suburban with a small car and a few other moving on types of things and I'm enjoying it too!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
