Hope4us struggle, part 4

[Hope4us]

Pup, So help me with what you think those next steps should be?

I think she's spent a lot of time thinking. And I really think she's open to us working it out, but right now I see her as wanting to see if her feelings can change and see if I'm working on the stuff she's told me she has problems with. And Deb told me that her reading those type books really had no bearing on how her sitch played out. And if I say something to WW about the books, it's just another sign that I'm controlling what she thinks/does. So I just see me saying something about the books as doing more harm than the potential good that could come from it.

Here's where I'm coming from. It's been 6 weeks since she claims she told OM NC. The first 3 weeks or so she was down/angry most of the time. Then she started showing me little things every once in a while. This last week/week and a half her good moods far out weigh the bad moods and since really last Thurs she hasn't been in a bad mood. Down a couple times for short durations, but not really bad moods. Since Sat she's been pretty decent to be around, except for that one two hour period Sat evening where she disappeared to the bedroom.

So for the next week or so I've planned on continuing to foster the good will/conversation with her when she's responding. When she's not responding, let her alone, go out myself, work in the yard, etc. Then I'd planned on bringing up her reading "not just friends" and "after the affair" and see what she says. If she flat out says NO, then I'm going to discuss with her just what she plans on doing to see if we can make this work. If she him-haws around, I'll give her a week or so to think on it and then bring it up again. If she's refuses then, I'm going to tell her I can't live like this without her putting in any effort and it's doing me and our son more harm than good because we get our hopes up that things might have a chance and it's obvious she has no intention of trying. Of course, I won't word it as a demand or ultimatum, but more that she really needs to figure out what she wants and then do it because the way we're going is doing more harm than good.

This is where I struggle with what I would like to do, which is tell her to chit or get off the pot and being pleasant and no R talk. I just see her very conflicted right now and for me to push would only make her feel backed into a corner. I feel like she WANTS to see if we can make it work, but if I push it, it's just more controlling on my part.

So....Am I being a little passive right this minute? Yes. Do I think it's the best approach this minute? Yes also. Like DB says, try something and see how it works. I've been not pushing any R stuff for a number of weeks and she seems to be responding in baby steps kind of ways. I just think at this point, me being patient and letting her see the changes I'm working on and her baby stepping is a good sign that could be all blown in a minute if I get overly aggressive.

Maybe I'm wrong.....

Thoughts?