Sorry this is so long. We go back to MC this afternoon and I am trying to get understand what is happening inside me.
Thanks for that perspective...Yes, I do see positive changes--a lot of them. He is working on personal growth--it is like a miracle--and wants to change certain things about himself.
What is painful for me is to realize that he really did resent me bitterly for the 20 years we raised kids together. Truthfully, I sort of gave up on him, because nothing I did seemed to work, and I just decided to live with the fact that he was easily frustrated and irritable. After all, he deeply loved our kids, and appeared to love me, despite his irritability. He worked hard to support his family, and I just concluded that was how he showed love.
I understand that no-one comes home to an angry spouse, so I am still committed to the thought that I can be happy either way. The interesting thing to me is that I am growing increasingly ambivalent as a result.
I felt deeply betrayed by his MLC upwelling of bitterness and the fact that he really believed the crazy things he was saying...I had tried in every way I could to "fix" things between us for years, until I just kind of dropped it, and concluded he is not capable of much intimacy.
Well, now I still don't believe he is capable of much intimacy, so now it is my turn to decide if I'm going to settle for him settling for me.
I would feel so different if he was telling me he loves me, and would stop saying "if..." He obviously regrets how he behaved, and wants to make it better, but just can't bring himself to take the leap.
So, we go back to MC today, and I am afraid to speak the truth--that I have been deeply wounded by this betrayal, am insulted by his continuing indecision, and am so weary of all of this that I am feeling increasingly ambivalent, myself. His indecision feels extremely passive aggressive--on some level (of unacknowledged anger) he must know how much this continues to hurt me. To me it feels like a power play, not the sort of embracing love and respectful intimacy that I want out of life.
I think this is what Michelle was talking about in the DR book--now that he is coming back (which I really think he is), I am feeling a lot of emotion that I have worked so hard not to express.
So, for the record, some positives: He does not act so angry. He has stopped saying certain hurtful things (will he ever recant?) He listens. He wants to go on this trip with me. He has said several positive things about realizing what I did for the family all those years. He is working on personal growth (He calls "radical acceptance" his "personal liberation theology.")
I guess this is what "one day at a time" means. It is just surprising to me to feel like ending the marriage just as it is getting better!
I am trying to be wise--to not act on the basis of these feelings of hurt--to wait until I feel centered and loving.
Another year, maybe? That is really beyond what I ever thought I would be able to do. I have already hung in there for almost 2 years. I am starting to think that I am contributing to this limbo by being so willing to wait.
Maybe feeling less willing to wait is actually a good thing--a 180. What do you think?
