H was dropping S off from scouts when I got home. He stopped to talk to me for a minute, but it was still tense. He told me that S got his First Class and would get it at the last court of honor. I said that I hadn't been able to attend any of the courts this year (he is asst scoutmaster), and I hoped he would bow out so I could go to this one. He got pissed, said it was his responsibility, he needed to be there (bs--he is one of 5 asst scoutmasters--no one ever missed?) I said no, you CHOOSE to be there, even though I am asking you not to be, which is an answer to my question. Anyway, he just said forget it and left.
After I got the kids to bed, I called him to ask what time the court was, and to say that I would go for S; it was important to him that I be there. h agreed, then said the reason he stopped was because it was my mother's birthday and he thought I'd be thinking about her....um, that was 2 months ago, but I sincerely thanked him for thinking of me--it hasn't seemed like he has thought of me at all for a long time. We had this weird conversation back and forth--he is so defensive to the point of anger all of the time. He said that no matter what convo we have tried over the last year, it has always ended with me asking him to come home (there is a lot of truth in that), so I said, ok, listen carefully: I DO NOT WANT YOU TO COME HOME. I DO NOT WANT YOU. Is that better? Can we get on with things, now? Amazingly, he calmed down and we talked a bit more about upcoming dates before we hung up.
Maybe if I keep saying it out loud like that, over and over, my heart will start to believe it, too.
I guess other things are shifting in me, as well, as I start to see more and more of stbx's flaws...I never, ever wanted to get to this place.
