Help! New to this...still hoping for R

[Rusty]

Boy Sandi - you are so right. My anger gets ahold of me and I just want to explode! My oldest son has told me so many times "Mom, I don't want to see you this same way two years from now" - the old bitter woman you were talking about. I have talked to Pastor and a counselor, who is a holistic healing type and it has been very helpful. She talks alot about karma and that really resonated with me. The "you get what you give out" thing is so true. That is when I have tried to think about what I do and say, mostly because I don't want to have all that anger and sadness in my life! Sometimes I feel like if I let the anger go and do the 180, I am giving approval to what he is doing and I don't approve. Our relationship has always been with me in control - so the loss of control has been huge for me. I am going to post the list on my desk so I can remained focused on it.

I wish I knew for sure if he is seeing someone or not. I've thought about following him to see - would that be crazy? If I don't get caught doing it, would it be okay? Or should that not even be important. Fidelity and commitment are very important to me and I don't know if I could survive him being with someone else.

I'm going to keep myself very busy today - it is rainy and grey - so it could get very depressing.