He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

I'm such an idiot. So much for LRT. I totally blew it and did my old crying, begging, promising change routine today. And it was a LONG day. Off and on same old talks throughout the day. I'm so mad at myself.

I just feel like NOTHING is going to work with him. He's so "resolved". All he talks about is a future without me. All I hear over and over is "I KNOW HOW I FEEL. And it will NEVER chnage". I get so upset, because how can ANY of us truly know how we will feel about anything in the future. But then he gets pissed and feels like I invalidate his feelings when I suggest that.

I just still am waiting to wake up from this nightmare and it's not happening.

Sex was a big issue for us. So I've been reaching out. Not easy with someone who has no attraction or love for you. But I'm desparate. So everytime I initiate, he is onboard (physically) then get's upset and angry with himself and me afterwards. Not good. He feels guilt ,because he feels like he's leading me on. HE says it's purely physical. He is NOT attracted to me (which this I find odd.I personally could not sleep with someone I'm not attracted to, but whatever)... and each time we do it, it's NOT changing how he feels. I feel like he expects a lightening bolt to come down in a day. And I of course get upset and suggest that it will take REAL work, over REAL time, and it will be small baby steps to build it back. To which he gets upset because he wants to be happy NOW!

How can he not see that divorce is NOT that answer. And it doesn't matter what I say to him, or what anyone says to him. I feel like he is that chapter of Michele's. The one that has MADE up their mind, and nothing is going ot change it. I don't even know now if it makes sense to really try this DB stuff, or the LRT or what?

We go out of town with two other families every year for MEmorial Day weekend. Of course this year, it's me and my girls alone. My oldest D is devestated Dad isn't coming, and questions Mom's ability to take them hiking like Daddy. Of course I'm going to kill myself doint everything to make it special for them. Meanwhile I'm dreading it. How do I sit at night after we put all the kids to bed with my two best friends and their husbands and have fun. I know I'm going to be depressed, and I don't want to bring their weekend down. I'm honestly only going because the girls look so forward to it.

And I secretly hope that with us gone for 3 days, and him in the house by himself that something would "connect" for him, but I'm not counting on it. I think he's actually looking forward to us leaving.

God, I have to start the LRT again, and really stick to it. But I'm feeling so defeated by him. I'm really feeling like their is not a chance, and I just still cannot wrap my brain around it all. How did we get here, and more importantly, why can he not give our 12 years more than 5 weeks to see if we could work our way back to each other. I just don't understand. This is not the man I married.

Chris