Well, I've been lurking in here for a couple week and finally decided to plunge in. Wish I didn't need to be here, and 5 weeks later STILL feel like it's all a nightmare I'm waiting to wake up from.
Background: We've been married for 7 1/2 years. H is a cop, I'm a SAHM. 2 daughters (ages 6 and 2). The last couple of years have been pretty hard, but in my mind not at ALL divorce type of bad. So I was very shocked when I had the bomb dropped in early April that H didn't love me anymore, never would again, was not attracted to me, and wanted a divorce. We had a sitter lined up (by me ironically wanting to go out and do something fun knowing life had been stressful lately), when instead I got the "speech". We had always said we would do ANYTHING to keep our kids in a married household and divorce was not an option. That the only dealbreakers were abuse or infedelity. Well, not anymore for him apparently. Because all I've heard over and over in the last 5 weeks is that he is done, he knows he is done, and he wants to just move forward. I'm still stunned that it's so rushed, and that he will NOT try anything.
He originally said he'd try counseling and would make an effort. Well, I got one week out of him, before he said he knew it wasn't going to matter. No affair (and I believe him).
The last 2 years were full of HUGE stressors for me. My Mom had a mental breakdown the DAY I gave birth to our 2nd daughter. IF any of you have ever dealt with mental illness with a loved one, you know the hell. It has NOTHING on anything physical I've ever dealt with. Anyway, she was in and out of the hospital, totally unable to take care of herself for a year. I'm sure I had some post partum depression during this time, but I was in the mode of trying to help my sister with my Mom. 2 days after giving birth I was in my Mom's hospital room, while my husband was in another area of the hospital with our girls so I could come and nurse. This went on much of that first year. Lots of stress, and emotional heartache, and untreated (in hindsite) depression by me. Then my sister was in a very scary court case (that became public in our state, and was quite stressful). Then my sister moved out of State, I lost my job (not fired ,but the company went out of business), and I lost my favorite Aunt to Alzheimers in January. Yes, a bad last couple of years ,with lots of stressors. And I took much of it out on him. In hindsite, I'd give anything to go back and handle everything better. I mistakingly relied to heavily on my vows, and that he would always be there. I took him for granted and I regret it horrible. He however, NEVER told me in direct terms how h was feeling, that our marraige was in peril etc. Never brought up that we needed counseing, or that he was losing love for me. So I consider him AS "guilty" as me. I so wish he had just said something.
I wish I hated him. I wish I felt the same as him. But I don't. He is a great guy, and a wonderful father. I'm devestated that my dream is ending. That the person I was so sure of would be my partner for life has found me so disposable. In his mind he gave it the last two years, and "tried" Of course in my mind, he was trying alone just to "survive "in something he was totally unhappy in. And THAT is not the same as trying WITH me.
Anyway, I've done ALL the wrong things that I've since learned about in DB. Begged, pleaded, said I loved him, Said "I'll change", begged for the kids sake, had sex. EVERYTHING. And I've seen him become even more resolved.
So I'm now getting ready to to the LRT. I'm so scared, he's just going to be happy, and not get it. He is set that he wants to file this month. Talk about it all happening at lightening speed. And good old Colorado couldn't make divorce any easier. 90 days is all a marriage is worth anymore.
We are currently sleeping separately (he's downstairs) with the intention of trying to stay in the house together for the summer for the girls sake, and to give me a chance to get work (I've been a SAHM for 7 years, with some side independent contract work, but nothing full time) and both time to save money etc. But it's devestating. Not quite sure how the LRT will work with us in the same house. I'm going to try to focus more on my work search, and GAL, and praying for a miracle.
His reaction to this all is just so not the man I know and love though. I'm still just in shock that we don't warrent an effort. I've begged for a week away, a weekend of intensive therapy, a trial separation, I even read about a pastor who recommended people have 30 days of sex, to find each other again. And being that sexual incompatibility was one of our issues ,I even suggested this. I just get the same phrase over and over. "It's not going to matter. I know how I feel. It's not going to change. I'm done". I've never seen him so resolved or stubborn on anything in my life, and it's killing me. I wish he could show some of that resolve to actually working on this.
Anyway, if you've made it that far. That's me in a nutshell right now. Still in love, still can envision my future with him and the girls together, and facing the unimagineable. Just 5 weeks ago, I thought I was in a commited marriage. I still feel like I was just punched in the gut. I don't know when the shock will wear off, but it isn't. Anyway, so anyone with advice, or LRT advice, Lord knows I need it. Thanks.
Chris
Last edited by 7 Year Itch; 05/16/0808:39 PM.
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I am so sorry you are here. It's a good place to be.
I got the 7 year itch as well and I am separated for 6 months now. Things are looking a bit better for us now but it started just like you described it "I am done, etc etc".
Do not get discouraged. You still have time. Read the instructions to newcomers and of Successful people that busted their divorces. All you need is in there. Use it wisely and CONSISTENTLY.
OMG CHRIS!!!! You sitch sounds so much like mine! You've even been together and married nearly exactly the same length of time as us. Like in your sitch I knew we had problems but never imagined it would come to this! I too thought my H was more committed than I am finding out he is.
You have my 100% support and I hope that you are able to turn this around. I wish I could give advice but I feel like I'm in no position to do so since I feel like I'm such a mess myself. BUT...there are some great people here that I know will be able to give you good advice.
Me=31 H=36 D=4 H dropped bomb and moved out=4/17/08, living with his mother 50 minutes away from home and work.
once again, your story is mine!! married almost 7 years, had some issues, but nothing major, out of the blue, "not in love with you, I want out". It's been 3 months for me and I found this site. It's the things that keeps me sane (and therapy). I still cry, but not every day, just every OTHER day now. When I see him, it's hard (drop offs and pick ups),but these people on here are smart. When you TRULY DB, act like you are great and GAL, it shifts the whole thing. I felt this today. h picked up d and chose to stay for almost 2 hours and CLEAN (he always does this). But I was calm, easy-going and only came close to crying ONCE. he actually SMILED and wanted to hug me when he was leaving. it takes a while to "get" the whole db thing, at least it has been for me. I thougth I could db "my way", you know, db for a day, then threaten, plead, beg the next. doesn't work. you have to do this EVERY FREAKIN DAY. I am now seeing the difference.
there are unbelievable people on this board. nikb, saffie, kalni, the list goes on and on. you are most def. in the right place.
Thanks so much everyone. It's really nice to talk to people in the same place. I have 3 best girl friends, all married, and I'm now the first to go through this. They are all devastated for me/us, and did not see this coming either. So it helps to have people that are going through it to talk with. He is just SO SO closed like I have never seen.
I honestly do think his job has taken a toll. He's a police detective and SWAT sniper. He's seen a lot of cruddy stuff over his last 9 years with the departmenet, and I have noticed a personality shift over the last few years. He was always VERY mellow, not a quick tempered, laid back person. He's much quicker to anger now, much snappier with our kids etc. Nothing HUGE, but for someone that knows him so well, yes, he's definitely had the job affect him. I've had some people ask if I think he could be in a depression, and as much as I wish I could FIND any excuse for him, I really don't think so. I think he has hardened up a bit, but I don't think there has been anything totally traumatic at work or anything. I honestly sort of have been wondering on the mid life crisis thing. But he's not exactly fitting that whole mold either.
He's out with our daughter right now for dinner. Came home from work, and declared he wanted to take her out. I'm so happy for her, she loves her Daddy, but it's so hard to feel like a visitory in my own home. We function together until the girls are in bed, then I come into our bedroom, and he goes downstairs. I honestly never imagined how lonely I could be in a house with my own husband.
He is always so business and matter of fact too, and while I'm trying to be strong, look unaffected ,and start this whole LRT, I'm SO not there really. I love him. This is my husband, the father of my children, the man I committed to for life and through EVERYTHING. And I'm mad. Mad that someone can simply "inform" me that my life and my girls lives are about to change in VERY drastic ways and I have absolutely NO say in the matter.
For 5 weeks I've done nothing but buy books, talk to people at my church ,talk to friends, go to counseling (seperately and with him. Although ours together is a joke, and it's about communication through a divorce over real therapy), talk to him for hours, beg, plead, cry. Probably the ONLY good thing to come out of this, is I've NEVER lost weight this fast in my life. I've lost 18 lbs in the last 5 weeks, and at least I'm feeling someone good about myself physically right now. Isn't that ironic?
In a way I get jealous when I look at people's signatures and see that they've been separated, or had their "bomb" dropped many months or years ago and are still together. My H, is so matter of fact, and ready to be done. I mean, 5 weeks ago I didn't know he felt this way, yesterday he tells me he wants to file this month.
What the heck is the rush? I know I've been pushing him more to that with my crying, beggin and pleading, and now realize how bad that is. Hence now trying the LRT, but I so do not feel strong for it right now.
I still have hope. Totally blind, makes no sense, faith in God hope. And he's given me absolutely NO reason to have any. Is that just pathetic or what? But as I've told him.. "I don't know how to quit on him, or my marriage. It's just not in my makeup".
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I'm such an idiot. So much for LRT. I totally blew it and did my old crying, begging, promising change routine today. And it was a LONG day. Off and on same old talks throughout the day. I'm so mad at myself.
I just feel like NOTHING is going to work with him. He's so "resolved". All he talks about is a future without me. All I hear over and over is "I KNOW HOW I FEEL. And it will NEVER chnage". I get so upset, because how can ANY of us truly know how we will feel about anything in the future. But then he gets pissed and feels like I invalidate his feelings when I suggest that.
I just still am waiting to wake up from this nightmare and it's not happening.
Sex was a big issue for us. So I've been reaching out. Not easy with someone who has no attraction or love for you. But I'm desparate. So everytime I initiate, he is onboard (physically) then get's upset and angry with himself and me afterwards. Not good. He feels guilt ,because he feels like he's leading me on. HE says it's purely physical. He is NOT attracted to me (which this I find odd.I personally could not sleep with someone I'm not attracted to, but whatever)... and each time we do it, it's NOT changing how he feels. I feel like he expects a lightening bolt to come down in a day. And I of course get upset and suggest that it will take REAL work, over REAL time, and it will be small baby steps to build it back. To which he gets upset because he wants to be happy NOW!
How can he not see that divorce is NOT that answer. And it doesn't matter what I say to him, or what anyone says to him. I feel like he is that chapter of Michele's. The one that has MADE up their mind, and nothing is going ot change it. I don't even know now if it makes sense to really try this DB stuff, or the LRT or what?
We go out of town with two other families every year for MEmorial Day weekend. Of course this year, it's me and my girls alone. My oldest D is devestated Dad isn't coming, and questions Mom's ability to take them hiking like Daddy. Of course I'm going to kill myself doint everything to make it special for them. Meanwhile I'm dreading it. How do I sit at night after we put all the kids to bed with my two best friends and their husbands and have fun. I know I'm going to be depressed, and I don't want to bring their weekend down. I'm honestly only going because the girls look so forward to it.
And I secretly hope that with us gone for 3 days, and him in the house by himself that something would "connect" for him, but I'm not counting on it. I think he's actually looking forward to us leaving.
God, I have to start the LRT again, and really stick to it. But I'm feeling so defeated by him. I'm really feeling like their is not a chance, and I just still cannot wrap my brain around it all. How did we get here, and more importantly, why can he not give our 12 years more than 5 weeks to see if we could work our way back to each other. I just don't understand. This is not the man I married.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Hi, you are where we have all been and others are still going through it. You 'MUST' start to get a poker face and be happy and positive around H and act as if. You must GAL and do some things on your own and then when you get back act like you've had the best time ever. This is about you first, so try and stop worrying about H. You gotta stop the begging, pleading and intiating the sex.
Now, believe me, that was all easier to say than do, but the more I say it the easier it becomes. I had my 7th anniversary recently so there is definately something in the 7 year itch thing IMO.
If you are staying in the house together for the summer for the girls, maybe you can suggest the D papers wait til after that and you have a job.
I'm in a very similar situation. bomb, I don't love you, 3 months ago, affair discovered 2 months ago and he moved out a month ago. db'ing and LRT is HARD -- read some of my threads and you'll see how many times I have f'd it up. but I'm learning slowly that the more I do it, the better I feel and THAT is what is important. all the begging and crying and watching and waiting and threatening (i've done it all) has gotten me nowhere, if anything, it makes it worse. the thing with db'ing is that YOU begin to feel a bit better and get some dignity back. that is what I am slowly finding. now you will seee my threads that people hit me with 2x4's, I have backslid so many times, but it's out of caring. this is a wonderful site and it's been my life line.
don't make the mistakes I've made of 3 months of db'ing then backslding. you have to be consistant.
