Focus on how you work with the information, you aren't just a powerless victim of it. Spouses have a tremendous amount of influence on their partner's affairs. Michele has proven this.
You know I'm a strong believer in DBing and I think it has done wonders for me. But I don't believe it has had much, if any, influence on my H and/or his affair. I guess he hasn't rushed to divorce me, but he still seems to be interested in divorce like just asking his friend for the name of his attorney a few days ago. I guess there are maybe some WAS like my H that just want to be single or not have the responsibility or whatever, and maybe DB in that case won't help with your WAS, but just you and your own mindset? Sorry for the rambling today!!! Karen
I agree with Karen...I don't know that Dbing has had any affect on my H's affair. I think the motivations behind the affair are more of an indicator of whether or not we, as betrayed spouses, can have much of an influence over a continuing affair. For instance, if an affair is a cry for help, a resounding cry of "I've put up with _______ from you for long enough; I'm tired of you not doing _______ for me; etc.", then I think DBing can have a noticable affect on an affair.
So thinking about why the affair began in the first place is a good thing to do. And realize that affairs can become so emotionally intense so quickly that even people who had no intention of ending their marriages over them may do just that.
For me personally, I try to ignore the stats out there about divorce/affairs/etc. I don't try to put my H's affair in a neat category and analyze it, because I'd just find myself continually disappointed. I'm fighting for my marriage because I think it's a worthy fight, and it's one that, for the rest of my life, I'd regret not having fought. But it's heartbreaking and it's exhausting and it's humbling beyond words and it's teaching me more about God and life and me than the last 25 years have. Statistics pale in comparison with what we live with everyday, don't they?
Hi Karen and Jasmine. You really have hit the mark here.
DBing is about you growing and becoming a whole person. Something happens in a household that affairs happen and Michele needs to strengthen you to survive that, DBing is her therapy for that.
Sometimes, people DB so well that the spouse notices and ops to return, sometimes they don't.
The DBing is for YOU, to survive the affair, to grow as a person, and to ensure there is no doubt in your mind about whether you made the wrong choice by leaving too early.
It can take a very long time for spouses to turn around and notice your changes. Believe me there are doubts in their mind about leaving, they just want to live both lives as long as they can.
The visual results of DBing take place long after the emotional ones. The first thing DBing will plant is a seed of doubt in your spouse's mind about leaving...you will not likley see that visibly. That doubt will eat away at him for a long time.
When I challenged my wife about her affair, she was resolved to leave and run off with him, she didn't care if I lived or died. She did go to see him and spent weekends with him. She never moved out, that was over a year and a half ago.
A year and a half later and now she's talking with our marriage counsellor, making her own appointments with our MC, seeing the MC individually, she's promised not to make any trips south of the border (the OM lives in the US). She still hasn't moved out, she hasn't packed a single box.
Its been 1.5 years of DBing to get this man out of my home and he's still coming in here daily. But I honestly believe I have planted some doubt in her mind. Is it worth it?
Its worth it because I have grown SO MUCH in the last 1.5 years. Even if my wife walks out that door, I will survive, and I will be a MUCH BETTER husband for someone because of all the work I have done. Do I want her to leave? No.
I can be confident about my worth as a husband. I can walk out that door and know I will make one hell of a husband next time. When you get to the end of DBing you will want your spouse to stay, but it won't frighten you at all if they leave. DBing is about survival and strength, not statistics. It DOES work,not every time, but it's the best game in town.
I am more than satisfied with DBing and I will keep doing it, becuase of it's impact on ME. DBing isn't about your husband, its about how it helps YOU. Your husband may join you some day. But focus on you and you becoming the greatest person you can be. That's what DBing is for.
My wife is turning me into one hell of a man for someone one day. Why would I want to stop doing that?
I actually think Michele Davis says that most affairs end within six months in Divorce Remedy, but don't quote me, I have to check the book and my wife has it someplace.
I honestly do belive it. I think the kinds of affairs that are discussed on THIS FORUM don't, but I think most affairs do end in under six months yes. I have known couples who had affairs, about a half dozen. I am counting only ones in my own life, not from forums on the internet.
ALL of them ended in less than six months.
Did they end up on the www? No, four of the six weren't even discovered...how could they end up here?
This forum is not a good random sample of the infidelity that terrorizes households in north america. And I am thankful for that.
It is just an average kimmie, waiting for July isn't going to help you. Influence his actions, change him by changing yourself. Don't let statistics discourage you.
It is just an average kimmie, waiting for July isn't going to help you. Influence his actions, change him by changing yourself. Don't let statistics discourage you.
Hi, Kimmie! How are you doing???? Well, I think you both may be right. Yes, Mark I agree you should work on changing yourself and not letting statistics discourage you, but I wonder if that 6 months statistic is b/c at around 6 months maybe the inital exciting/honeymoon stage of affairs start to end, and then the WAS starts to realize around that point the grass isn't greener and all that??? Karen
Karen