Torn between hope and anger

[SirPrizeMe]

Lise, thanks for the concern.
I am hopeful that my custody stuff will sort itself out as time goes on. Feels like there's lots of anger on her side - she will have to give up things she didn't want to give up, like half of her time with the kids. I feel the courts will eventually do the right thing. I am not really happy about the way it is now, but I am taking the opportunity to improve my patience!

As for your sitch - I would advise you to get a lawyer too. but I would advise against letting your lawyer run the show. Lawyers are good at doing divorces, and left to their own devices, they will get you a divorce efficiently and effectively. If you don't want a divorce, or if you are not sure, don't let the lawyer do whatever he/she wants.

The lawyer will have lots of suggestions. You will have to rein her in constantly.

For example, when discussing how to split the equity in the farm - I would defer that entire situation to the attorney. Rather than getting pissy with your beloved, can you just say -"gee, that sounds complicated, I'm going to need to get some advice on that" ? This can buy you time, and it can deflect any arguments to the attorney. the attorney is the bad guy, not you. You are going along, but refusing to argue, letting the attorney be the bad guy.

The attorney might be in a good position to say - "look, we shouldn't just consider the farm alone. We need to look at the situation holistically." This is going to make for a much more complicated discussion, and it will require hubby to sharpen his pencil and think clearly about all the implications. In other words, don't break the situation down and make it really simple to settle on everything separately. Keep it all bundled which makes for more complicated discussions. This means more time, and if you are DBing, then you know time is on your side.

By DB principles, you want each interaction with H to be a positive one. This means you want to avoid or eliminate all direct conversation with your hubby regarding the details of the divorce. It is guaranteed to be touchy, so for that stuff, just make him go through your attorney. You want your interactions to remain pleasant, positive, and light.

Ps: an attorney is going to cost you money. Be ready for it. Think of it not as wasting money, but think of it as paying to delay your divorce, and also paying to reduce the risk that you will get a bad settlement, if you do divorce.

I know this is hard. Stay cool if you want to DB. Don't let your anger out on him. Don't let him draw you into an argument.