Wading with Water wings - 23 years...

[CBK]

Sandi - you mean the world to me - although we have never met, and may never meet, you have helped pull me through some of the worst times that I have ever experienced. I will forever be indebted to you.

As I sit outside on the upstairs balcony outside, just thinking how lucky I am right now, looking out over the hills and able to look in at the TV to catch enough basketball to root on H4H's Spurs and enjoying my one beer during the game at half time

I think I was able to really see what my problems were and still are - the first step for me is to realize these issues if I am going to fix them and try and not let them happen again. I was almost jumping off that mountain and I think that if WAW would have been in the house this weekend, I may have jumped!

I didn't feel that beat up actually - I knew where I was and knew there was some misunderstandings, that is part of the process. I will be more careful though on what I say I am thinking and what I actually do - wow, that was a lesson!

I was glad I took the day on Saturday and re-read everything - reread many as well trying to see what I could have done different. So many options, but as you know, my mental state was not "right" as they say. I was so obsessed with the A, the "why me" attitude, etc. that I was not rationally looking at the entire picture - still not seeing the entire picture, but at least is is only fuzzy now, not totally blacked out!

No doubt I was hurting too bad to really try and heal myself - I was a total mess most of the day, getting no work done during a major restructure, sitting in my office just feeling sorry for myself. Good thing I surrounded myself with great people at work. I am going to give my assistant and her boyfriend a night in San Francisco - she has been such a trooper keeping me on top of the necessities. I am a lucky man in many ways.

As you said, the posters have been unreal. I hope others come here and read the strings - so much to learn from, seeing the peaks and valleys of raw emotion. Never, and I mean never, have I felt so weak and vulnerable, it was humbling at best. I can only pray that others do not go through this, but I know there are others that are going through similar or worse pain than I have. I pray every night that others find a better path than I did.

No false hope about WAW - she is making her decisions and is getting the room she needs to heal herself. I also think the call I made put some pressure on OM as well - good. When I was at IC today, he asked if I was sorry I called, I said no - I feel no remorse for calling - other things, yes, but that, nope. It may have come to a realization for W that it may not work out either. She hasn't reached out at all to me, but that is okay, she needs time to heal as well and it may take her a long time. The one thing I am disappointed in about WAW is that she quit going to church, but I guess when you break one of the "big rules" you have to come with the right mind set asking for forgiveness. Well, enough about her!

I think she is going to MC so it is a safe environment to talk - I am going to post some questions that I have about this shortly though.

I have to be realistic, I haven't been yet - just hoping that she would fall back into my arms, no fairy tale ending for this sitch right now - hopefully in the future.

I tear up a bit when you say I worship the ground she walks on, that is so true. I have been a lucky man in many ways as she is the only person I have been with my entire life - I was a good kid holding out for the right woman - still think I made the right choice after all that has happened.

I wish I would have "manned up" earlier, she may or may not still be here, but my God, I was torturing myself. The only good thing so far is the 42 lbs that I have lost. I got 7 pair of my pants tailored, and walking through Nordstorm's, I saw some casual stuff that I will be buying soon - have the men's sale coming up soon!

Sandi, thanks again, and to all the other posters on my threads - I too think she is a fool to walk away from what we have built and the man whom she had - and still can if she comes too before it is too late.

Signing off right now as teary eyed CBK - but tears of thanks to all of you.

CBK