Start of the long and bumpy road........

[JenInVen]

Me again. Maybe she means your controlling by being passive agressive. You need to be assertive NOT agressive. I guess she wishes you'd stand up to her but not by not arguing or being bossy.

I can't help you with how though because your wife just described me!

Jen

[JenInVen]

oh and this website is pretty good. I did see something there about control and assertiveness.

Jen

[JenInVen]

Here it is

[TwinDad]

Thanks Jen,

It definitely shed some light. Our typical conflict resolution through 11 years of marriage was she would be aggressive and badger till I gave in, or I would assert my agressiveness through innactivity, or if she did get her way through badgering me till I gave in then I would subconsciensly ensure that she didn't enjoy it....the end result was neither one of was happy.

This is one area where I have tried to work on myself quite a bit. I used to have a "devils advocate approach" to most problems, which she took as being negative where I viewed it as a way to work through what I thought the issues might be. Since I have tried to keep the road blocks to myself until I can come up with at least a potential solution. I think it has been a little helpful (hopefully not too little too late). Though now she says that I am a pushover because I agree with her now.....ughh...I can't win!

On a side note. I spent the day getting "da-da's house ready for the kids. The day went well until it was the time I would normally come home...and I couldn't

Also I went to toys r us to get soem stuff for them and it just felt sad thinking it of two separate homes. The tear jerker was talking to thme on the phone.

The good news in a sad way is that the W sounded as sad as I felt (but didn't show on the phone)

[TwinDad]

Well today did not go well. I was invited to dinner with my W ex-SIL and her husband. I thought it was nice for them to reach out to me. I was very careful to not talk about our situation and even told the W ahead of time so that she didn't get wind of through the back channels.

Well lets just say she was pissed. I guess she was more upset that her family has not been reaching out to her as much. I feel very bad for her. I made the mistake of going over to her house afterwards to try to talk about it, but that didn't work out well.

I just feel like her life is out of control....it is very sad to watch

[TwinDad]

The last couple of days have been interesting. Last night I was invited to dinner to her ex-sister in laws house with her husband. I let her know and she seemed to get very upset over it. This morning I took care of the kids at her house and she was very cold to me. I decided to turn the other cheak and be her best friend. I even told her this moring that despite being separated, I am still her best friend.

So today while taking care of the kids, I cleaned out the garage from all the moving "mess" and then sent her a pix message. She texted me quite frequently through the day, and actually asked if I wanted her to pick mer up dinnner. It was ncie to have her think about me a little bit today.

[JenInVen]

You have quite a few positives yourself! In many sitchs on these boards the WAS doesn't want anything to do with the LBS. But not your W! It's great that she wants to be around you...she can see your changes first hand. PMA, GAL and a little dimness will do you wonders.

Jen

[JenInVen]

TD. What makes you think your W is in MLC? My H for example isn't. Not all WAS are in MLC. But what makes you think yours is?

Jen

[AmyC]

I am trying to develop my strategy for myself and dealing with my W. Here are some of her issues about me: She says I am controlling and passive agressive yet she tells some of her friends that she wishes I would stand up to her. I don't get it. It seems like a conflict, how do I stand up to her without coming off as controlling?

I don't think it's so much her wanting you to stand up to her per se but maybe that she wants to respect you because you stand up for yourself - and not in some pissy passive agressive manner as before - but as a confident MAN . And YES, you CAN become a confident man even in the midst of this storm...

Frank_D has some good insight into this area.

I will send him your way.



AmyC

[TwinDad]

Jen,

I feel she is in a MLC, because she seems so unhappy with everything in her life; her family, her career, the time she spends with the kids, the area of the country we live in. I have heard several times the IYUBIANILWY. She started what I believe to be an EA with an old boyfriend from highschool. She is very defensive about anything and everything to do with our relationship. Without my influence all of her friends and family are telling her that she is making a mistake. This seems to only galvanize her resolve to go forward this (i.e. don't tell me what to do). She can't get rid of everything else, but she can get rid of me.....her best friend who is making changes to make himself a better husband and friend.

I'm not saying I haven't contributed to this or even catalyzed it, but I think we could all play that chicken and egg game.

When I read the stuff about MLC in DR it just seemed to click....perhaps I am just looking for a diagnosis to start to make some sense of all this.

Amy,

Thanks for the support. It just seems like such a fine line to walk sometimes....almost like walking on egg shells. In the time leading up to this separation she had a few areas she would always complain about. I actually made changes in those areas and instead of giving me credit for those changes she says I am being a whimp and just giving in. The main change I have tried to make is trying to be solution goal oriented, instead of identfying the obstacles in a decision and just presenting those, I present the solution to the obstacles as starting point for discussion.

I have noticed though lately when she is getting real sarcastic with me, I will stop and say something along the lines "I understand you are upset, but you don't need to talk to me that me, I deserve to be treated better than that". This seems to change her demeanor for the better. Thanks for sending Frank my way.