Torn between hope and anger

[lise]

OK, the arguments have started.

As soon as H arrived, crying and confused, he also began throwing out threats about demanding custody and claiming the home because I began expressing that I didn't like his assumption that he could leave on this new path of his and still expect to have access to the farm when he wanted plus be due half of any increase in value of the land no matter if I sell it now or 20 years down the road. I'm all for splitting the value now, but once it's mine, I want it to be just mine. Should I get to claim half of all his earnings for 20 years down the road? ... Maybe I should since he's been spending these first 20 years of our marriage building up his skills that were supposed to be OUR future security. He is the one who said this farm life is not "big" enough for him and he is the one leaving it. Now he says he would live here if I didn't. Yeah, right, like the OW would pick up her chicago life and plop her three kids down in a rocky homestead in the far north. He doesn't REALLY want to let go of what he has here obviously. But he doesn't want to take responsibility for it either. I haven't seen a cent from him for child support, I'm living off our savings until my paychecks start coming in at the end of the month, and I don't expect I'll see anything from him anytime soon. He has great intentions but everything he makes he wants to reinvest to get his new business going. How can he think he has a right to claim anything from me?!?

I don't want our time together to be like this... but I can't go on holding the bag with no help from him and with the risk that he could pull everything out from under me if I don't get an agreement from him soon. He's got to face the reality of this life he has chosen. He hates it when I keep pointing that out to him. He doesn't want reality, he wants the fantasy world he is living. He wants to live pieces of both lives and it is driving him (and me) crazy.

I have no idea what stage of MLC he is in, or even if it is as simple as MLC. Last night on the way here he stayed at the home of the first woman he cheated on me with. It's like he's testing himself, or something. Because he didn't "feel" anything for her anymore he thinks he's cured of his insatiable sexual appetite. I asked him if he thought maybe he was just in a different stage of his life now? And he said that he thinks it's because he isn't in the sexual power struggle with me anymore. He keeps finding new ways to blame me for his behavior. I think he's been screwed up for a long time so I don't know if I can blame all that's happening on MLC. I almost wish I could, though. It's scarier to think that this may be really who my husband is...