Ha the aceptance thing! The day I accepted it, which I have to say was the day my H remarried (along time after he left) but that was the day I truly started to heal. For me I had to accept the reality of the situation. No more false hope, no more pinning my hopes on statistics, MLC stages etc. Just accepting what was happening at that stage in my life. Did I like it -no. Did I stop loving my h-no. I still have odd moments when I think of the could haves and should haves. I still feel that my life was stolen from me, I was replaced by someone who now has my life. The truth is she has not got my life because the man she now has is someone I no longer know. His morals and values are not those we shared. I am still me and she will never be me( although she tried to copy me) This takes time Cinders much longer than you think but YOU will get to that point. I know you will. Your spirit and generosity and love will be what brings you to that elusive acceptance.
One thing that stands out is that he does not have the responsibilities that you have which makes his life much more foot-loose and fancy-free.
What I mean is that you have the kids, and that is a full time job! Imagine if he had the kids like you do, he certainly would not be able to carry on the way he does.
Lots of these guys want more freedom and so they run away from it for awhile.
I really don't think he is as happy as you think. OW is very young and oh so infatuated with him, his money, and what he has to offer in the area of material things. This too will wear off.
Sure she likes the kids because she does not have them full-time.
Get what I am saying.
My in-laws will not even allow my H into their home while he is commiting adultery.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Just because your in laws like her doesn't mean they think it is right.
My in laws love their son and will support him even though they do not agree with it. They are Christians. i know his mom knows it is wrong but she loves him and will support them.
think about if one of our kids didthe same..we would supporrt them but may not agree.
It doesnt matter if they let her intheir home or not. Remember that.
I'm a little late with this, but let me chime in too.
We sadden ourselves when we try to apply OUR reason and rationale to the behaviors of these people.
Maybe they're not actually crazy, maybe they are. And no, this is not an "Is MLC a disease or not" argument. I'll just say that they have the ability to function in the areas that they want to function in. So we're absolutely ok with holding them accountable for their decisions and actions, ok?
So that means that what we have discovered is that these individuals, who we have loved with all our hearts, have consciously chosen to violate every promise they ever made to us (and our children in some cases).
THEY have chosen to be the kind of person that we, as couples, used to shake our heads in disgust about.
It's hard for us to accept that these spouses have either become or been discovered to have always been, seriously flawed and dishonest people.
And no, I don't feel the need to beat up on our spouses. That's not my point.
I'm just tired of US always being on the short end of the feel good stick. And really, we are the only ones who can do something to make this stop.
If you are a man of poor morals, one who cares not what society judges to be proper and decent, you could easily be swayed by a pretty young 20-something debutante who expressed an interest in ravishing your body on a regular basis. Good Lord, what man would not be flattered by that?
But a good man? A man of his word, a man with integrity, a man who honors his commitments and promises, a man who places the well being of his family far before his own?
That man, while he can see how exciting that might seem to be, that man wants nothing to do with those types of choices. That good man KNOWS that the newness, the excitement, the flashiness, NONE of it is worth what he would lose in the process.
Sorry Cinders - what's my point?
I know it hurts to be replaced.
And I know it hurts to have HIS family welcome in the one who replaced you.
I've felt both of these, as have many others here. That doesn't make the hurt wrong or make you feel it any less.
It's just how it goes. And yeah, that means we have to accept the reality and find a new place for ourselves.
But he's not the man he once aspired to be.
You're not losing as much as you think you are.
And life has a way of evening out eventually.
My buddy FIB once shared with me a quote by Albert Camus. I had never heard it before. He shared it with me at a time that I was feeling incredibly low and down about how things had turned out. That quote spoke to me, and caused me to realize that there is MUCH more to me than the life I had with her.
I would have lived it forever. But now I don't even want it back.
Here's the quote.
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an Invincible summer."
Find your invincible summer.
I hope we all can.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Kiki....my inlaws are like that...they are trying to support their son and restore their relationship, but they by no means agree with what he is doing, they are catholic good people, who believe in marriage and have gone through so much of the same, to finally stay together. I know they have mine and their grandchildren's best interest at heart. BUT, they also love their son, of which I am greatful for. This may help H heal from whatever pain he has inside...(if any?)
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Cinders, my middle son tried to make a gesture of kindness to his father, and got rebuffed. This is part of what he wrote to his father after his rebuff. I am sharing with you because it shows that our children can see clearly what is going on. Probably not good Dbing, but it came from the heart. It supports what Bworl says. These people are emotinally out to lunch
Quote:
I really hope one day you will be able to recognise that you are not always right, and that other people's points of view are important not just on paper but to your existence. Particularly the points of view of people with whom that existence has been so intertwined. (Regardless of whether you think that intertwining was a big mistake.)
It has apparently intensified, but as i said was always there, and i can see it in your attitude towards all your children in our childhood. One positive upshot is that it's even more amazing now to meet people who are *not* emotionally stunted adults. They do exist! Hurrah! I think you too have the capacity to become one. You just need to stop being so self-focussed. You are not very important. You are important to me, who am not important. You are nothing. Deal with it and just be nice and kind and considerate, please. I promise you it's worth it: life is amazing when you have love. Not as in sex, or companionship, just pure love towards the world and the people who care about you. Try it, please.
He shared it with me, and I am sharing it with you. They are the fools, and our children come to see it. Hugs
