Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

I'm planning on it MMF! I'm just looking for a gf to go with me so I have someone to talk to. Everyone is just so crazy busy right now with school ending, graduations, there are two family weddings coming up, kids going off to college....my family is a little nutty right now and my cousin is my best gf here.

When I got home from work I checked my son's cell phone because he was getting strange texts from an unknown number. When I looked at his phone I noticed he had VM that he hadn't listened to. He said he couldn't remember his password so I entered it for him and turned it on speaker to listen to them. Both were from H over the last two days. S13 didn't call him back either time which I'm sure peeved him to no end. S13 told me that he talked to his dad this afternoon because he calls him every afternoon to remind him to bring his homework home (does no good - he won't bring it home no matter what and is failing all of his classes because of it). He also asked him if he was going to karate tonight and S13 said he didn't know yet and that's how they left it.

I told S13 he had to go to karate tonight because he had testing next week for his next stripe for his belt. Right then H called again and he told him he was going. It was already 7:20p and we have to leave our house at 7:30p for his class. H wanted to know if he needed a ride and S13 told him he didn't think so, that I was taking him. H thought I still had class on Wednesday which shouldn't surprise me that he can't remember that I told him last week was the last one! He can't remember much of anything most of the time anyway. He wanted to talk to me then so S13 handed me his phone. H asked if I wanted to drop off S13 at class and he's bring him home if I had stuff to do. I just told him that I was taking him but he was welcome to come to his class if he wanted to see him. H just said ok, I'll talk to you later. H never showed at karate and I could tell that S13 was a little upset by that. He kept watching for him all through class which kept him pretty distracted and he got his clock cleaned a few times because of it.

H won't see our son at all then this week. He must think that seeing him for 6 hours last Saturday was enough for a couple of weeks, huh? What a JA! I just wonder if he wouldn't come to class because he didn't want to see me. If that had anything to do with it I'm going to be really upset. I don't want my presence to keep them apart but then again it would be his problem wouldn't it? I am his mom and I deserve to be with him whenever I want don't I? I am the one who takes care of him, does everything for him and with him and H walked away from him so doesn't get to dictate when he sees him, right? RIGHT!

Again, I don't want to keep them apart but I've asked H repeatedly for his upcoming schedule of side jobs and to sit down and arrange a visitation schedule but he won't do it. He pisses and moans that he doesn't get to see his son enough but then again he only wants to see him at times that are convenient for him and without giving me any notice at all. I feel like a heel when I tell him he can't see him because I've already made plans for him but then again, I'm not going to sit around on my hands waiting on him to decide to grace him with his presence.

Is that harsh?

Sorry, rambling again. Just a little issue that was ticking me off and thought I should get my thoughts out here before itchy texting fingers sabotage me.

[Grace_O]

Mishka,

While it's nice to have people to do things with, IMO it's better to do them alone than do nothing. I know it's uncomfortable for some, but think of it as a chance to develop that ability.

I don't want my presence to keep them apart but then again it would be his problem wouldn't it? I am his mom and I deserve to be with him whenever I want don't I? I am the one who takes care of him, does everything for him and with him and H walked away from him so doesn't get to dictate when he sees him, right? RIGHT!

Bottom line for me here is who pays the price and the answer I see is your S13. Yes, your H walked away and you should be able to watch your S13 in his class etc. If you really think your presence is keeping your H away perhaps you could just let him go with H sometimes. I know it sux, but your son is the one who will loose out in this and if your H isn't able to see you right now for whatever reason, then perhaps just some time will make that easier. This doesn't mean you have to have it all be last minute. Call or text him with a schedule you work out. See how that goes. Have a backup plan in case he doesn't show and then if necessary you can say this isn't working yadda yadda yadda. It's probably really tough for him to see you and while it would be awful for him not to see his S13 behind that, how often have you heard of that happening? It's just a risk I wouldn't want. Don't want to come off as being harsh, just my 2 cents.

HUGS

[mishka422]

H has never been one to tell anyone how he feels about ANYTHING so finding out if that is why he didn't come to S13's class the other night because he didn't want to see me or if he just didn't think it would be that important to S13 will be virtually impossible. I've chosen to just let it go and see what happens on Monday night. H is picking our son up from school on Monday to take him to a Dr. appt. and he knows S13 has his stripe testing that evening and needs as much support as he can get. We'll see if he shows. He's not working Monday night so he has the opportunity to come.

I have tried giving H a schedule of when he can take our son to his activities and time together on some Friday evenings when H is off work. He never stuck to one of those schedules. He wants everything on his own time, whenever it's convenient for him without any regard to my schedule. I know he's being selfish but come on.....is common consideration too much to ask? I have pretty much given up on trying to schedule anything where he is concerned. I haven't been unreasonable in the least and I have been more than flexible but I'm really tired of always having to be.

I am moving forward with everything in my life. I am not going to dwell anymore on what H is doing with OW, the amount of destruction he has caused due to his selfishness, etc., etc.. I am in control of my reactions now and although I'm still angry with him in some ways for what he's done, I can see now that I am better off without him here making me feel like I'm not good enough for him. There are seriously only a few things I'm having to do now that I didn't do before and those are just growing experiences for me. I can now mow the lawn and my flowers have grown which is a total first for me. I had given up on trying to plant anything long ago because they always died! Exciting!

Well, nothing much else to say right now. I'm just trying to GAL and not having much luck with it yet. I have so little time to myself that I'm finding it hard to get involved in doing anything away from the house. I'm still working on it.

[angelica]

Mishka, I know you don't get much time for reading, but MLC really is just that - a crisis. They are not doing this on a whim. They are unhappy, confused, selifish and totally impossible, and there isn't a blind thing we can do, except make our own inward journey to the second half of our lives. Spiritual growth isn't made in a matter of days weeks, or even months. It takes a long time for us to change as well, and it is important that we keep on working on ourselves. If they do come out of it, we will have better marriages, and if they don't we will still be better people, which is what we really need to be, all of us.

This isn't a fashionable view, when most people are obsessed with materialistic happines, but deep spiritual content it a great gift. Right now you aren't there, but you are on the right road. Continue to plant your flowers, think kindly of your fellow men, as much as you can, and try and feel blessed whenever you feel a blessing. Yours is a hard road, but we are there for you.

A

[mishka422]

I have read the MLC resources threads here and I understand that it is a crisis. I just find myself waffling between believing he's actually in a crisis and thinking he was just sick of me and sick of being married and walked away from all the responsibility. Everything he has said to me is almost identical to the things everyone else's spouses in crisis have said. He hasn't ever really spewed at me though. He has flat out told me that none of this is about me, it's him. Does that sound like someone in crisis to you? I just can't really tell.

I miss him but I know I can't do anything to change this situation. I was listening to some music today, the good 80's stuff I love, and I started sobbing. How do you sob while listening to The Pet Shop Boys and Spandau Ballet? Easy, the music floods you with shared memories that you no longer have anyone to share them with. That really sucked! I don't think I can listen to my favorite music anymore. It made me really sad.

[angelica]

Mishka, it is sad. We all have periods when we doubt whether it is MLC or whether they just got tired of the marriage. Some spew, and some don't. It isn't obligatory.

If you were happy, and it was sudden, and he had a difficult childhood, and a tendency to suppress difficult emotions that he didn't want to deal with, chances are it is MLC, but I am not expert, and I don't know your h.
Like I said, this is our chance to make the inward journey. Personally I don't torture myself by listening to music that brings back memories. Someday I will be able to but right now I know I can't. Now is my chance to discover new music and create my new memories. Try and make every negative into a positive. A bit pollyannaish, but not a bad discipline.

Our society is not big on emotional self discipline and self knowledge - good on not smoking, drinking eating too much etc but we need to develop this side of us, and doing it emotionally alone [even as we are surrounded by family] is possible. Eventually I believe all our relationships are enhanced by our spiritual growth.

A

[mishka422]

I had talked to MIL Friday. This was the first time I had actually spoken to her since H left the first time. She kept asking me how I was and how S13 was. I told her honestly that we were holding on and making it through each day. I told her about my son's problems in school and told her I was managing to keep things as normal as possible for him. She kept telling me to move on and be happy. I told her I was trying to find my happiness but I wasn't there yet. She then started crying and told me that her kids didn't have a very good example growing up (UNDERSTATEMENT!) and now they are having to learn the hard way. She said she doesn't understand how H could do this to me and our son, that we were the best thing that ever happened to him and that we saved him. I was of the same opinion so I didn't argue with her! I held it together pretty well until the end of the conversation when I had to hang up and go back in to work. I started crying then and couldn't seem to stop. I told her I was sorry and that she would always be my family no matter what. She was really sweet about it. It was a comfort.

Today, H picked S13 up from school because he had a Dr.'s appt. Right after he picked him up S13 sent me a text telling me he wanted his dad to take him to karate tonight. I told him that was fine but would it be ok if I went too since it is his testing tonight for his next strip on his belt. He said yes but I also had him ask H if it was ok with him. He said yes. I then remembered that my son's medication just ran out this morning and he can't be without it. I sent H a text asking if he could pick it up today after the Dr. appt since he gets the prescription during the check up. He said he would and added that the Dr. has put him on the same meds as S13. WHOA!!! Unsolicited personal info! I said that was interesting and asked if it was from the same Dr. as our son (as I know he was just ordered to see him by the dept. after a forced administrative leave). He said yes and that he had put him on AD's also. WHOA!!!!!! More unsolicited info! It was really strange that he told me all of that but it was welcome info. Hopefully these meds will help him come out of this crisis. It might not help with our R but it sure can't hurt him! Someone finally stepped up and took action with him! I have to say I LOVE HIS CHIEF!!!!

I'll keep you all posted. I am chosing to look at this as a positive sign for him. I WON'T look at it as a positive sign for us though. I'm drifting along right now just assuming that our M is over and if it ends up any differently than that, great. If not, then I'm already prepared, right? Is that cynical?

[One Day]

WOW Mishka!!

Sounds like you've had some baby steps! I think your conversation with MIL was really interesting. I'm so amazed by how you held yourself together during it- that's so strong. The post-convo tears were probably a release after being so strong on the phone maybe? I was like that last time I spoke to MIL.....

Unsolicited personal info??!!!! STOP THE PRESS! That's fantastic! I'm so pleased H has gone on the ADs. Hopefully they'll really help him get himself into a better frame of mind and pick himself up.

I'm drifting along right now just assuming that our M is over and if it ends up any differently than that, great. If not, then I'm already prepared, right? Is that cynical?

I think that sounds like perfect DBing. The essence of DB, in fact. You're a total inspiration Mishka!

((((hugs))))

L.xx

[mishka422]

Thanks so much Lisa! I don't feel very inspirational but the words of encouragement sure do help.

[mishka422]

One more post before I lay my head down for the night.

I had an interesting evening, to say the least. After the unsolicited info from H this afternoon I was expecting a cold reception tonight at karate. H came to pick up S13 and I stayed in the house and didn't ride with them. I did it intentionally....was that evil of me? Oh well....anyway, I drove myself to the karate studio and when I got there H was on his phone standing outside by the car. He looked serious but my heart just thumped painfully in my chest looking in the rearview mirror at him. All I could think was that here he was, standing outside of his son's class, talking on the phone to OW. Irrational and stupid I know, but that's what went through my head. Anyway, I got out of the car. Held my head up, pretended I didn't even see him over there, and walked with my chest out into the class. I sat down inside the closed room and figured H would probably just come stand outside the room at the viewing window instead of come sit by me. Whatever.

A few minutes later he knocked on the window behind my head and motioned for me to come outside. He had some papers in his hand and when I glanced at them it looked like it said something about mediation on them. I started to have a panic attack thinking he had information about D and was trying to get me to go to mediation. Thankfully, the papers didn't say that. I can't recall the word at the moment but they were test results from an experimental exam given to our son by medical research grant holders from Harvard regarding ADHD and Aspberger's. I was seriously relieved!

H told me the phone call he was on was from a guy he used to work with at the sheriff's dept. telling him that their former Lt. was found dead and hour and a half earlier in his house from a massive heart attack. He had quadruple bypass 2 years ago and a triple bypass last year and the Dr.'s didn't give him much time without a transplant so this wasn't completely unexpected but he was still pretty sad about it. I told him I was sorry about that and he talked about him for a few minutes. We went over our son's test results and then started chatting. He asked me about my bible studies (which have ended for the summer) and I asked him about the best position to place the ladder to clean the gutter out by the corner of the house that is clogged. Hee hee!!! I just made a point of acting "as if" everything was just great and I was quite happy with my life. In many ways I really am. That doesn't mean I don't miss him but I am finding it easier and easier to be without him.

H asked about how my mom was doing and I was honest with him about her. Told him she isn't doing well and needs to go see the cardiologist but won't make the appt. because she knows I can't take any more time off of work right now. He again told me he could take her anytime she needed to go to an appt. and I couldn't take her. I told him I knew he would but that she is proud and stubborn and won't ask him but I thanked him for the offer. He then started to tell me about what is going on with his mom. I let him talk for a few minutes and then I finally told him I knew what was going on with her because I had just talked to her last Friday. He seemed seriously surprised by this. He got really quiet. I told him that I had sent her a mother's day card from S13 and written a note in it to her and she had called me. He told me that was really nice of me. I told him that I love his mom and she is my family. He thanked me for that and told me that he loves my mom too and that he will always consider her his other mom. I told him thank you as well. H teared up when I told him that I loved his mom and always would. He didn't actually cry but his eyes were certainly "watery".

H was bringing S13 home from karate and I left to pick up dinner on the way home. I left with a smile, no lingering in the parking lot looking at him wistfully, I turned around and walked away "with purpose". I was pretty proud of myself!

When I had been home for about 30 minutes I got a text from H telling me "Thank you for chatting with me tonight, it felt really nice." WHOA!!!!!! That was weird! I responded and told him that it was very nice and that I truly missed talking to him. He said, "I was thinking that too." I told him we should do that more often. He then told me that S13 asked him to take him to karate tomorrow night. I was about to ask him if it was ok if I went with them but decided I wouldn't insinuate myself into their evening. If they want to invite me, I'll go, but I'm not pushing my way in. I told him that sounded good and left it at that. He then told me he was home and would talk to me later. OK, so him calling OW's place "home" nearly made me throw up but all in all I think there were some positive steps there.

NO EXPECTATIONS!!! It was just a nice exchange and if we can just be civil with each other and kind then who knows what could happen. We could both come out of this in a much better place no matter what, right?