Sounds like killing him with kindness got through to him! You won the endurance race!
YAY ME!!! I won!!! Muwahahahaha!!!!
Thanks, Michelle.
Alright, more updating......
Two things occurred yesterday, resulting in some positive actions on H's part.
First, my e-mail response to him which I am most certain he read. He didn't write back, but really, there was no need for him to.
Second thing, I went to pick up our treadmill from my sister yesterday. There's a story behind this, but I'll probably start rambling if I go in to it . So in short, it was another one of those things were H says he doesn't want me to do something for him (like his laundry) when he REALLY does. In this case, he said he didn't want me to bother about getting the treadmill back because he didn't want to look like an a$$ for taking it back.....BUT IN REALITY, he REALLY DID want me to get it back.
H called not too long after I left my sister's house. He didn't know I went there. Actually, I told him earlier in the week that I was going to get it on Sunday (yesterday), but he most likely forgot. Anyway, when he called he asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was on my way back from (sister)'s. He asked, "What were you doing out there?" I told him I went to pick up the treadmill. All he said was 'huh', almost as if he wasn't sure that he believed me. Then he asked what time the kids were going to be home, and I told him I was going straight to my parents' house when I got back into town. We would be home after that. He said alright, bye.
I think it was close to 5pm when the boys and I got home. Then H called the house. S8 talked to him for a minute then handed the phone over to me, saying that Dad wanted to talk to me. So I got on the phone and H said, "Would you mind grabbing my shin guards and a pair of my soccer socks for me, and putting them out in the garage? I want to try to play in my soccer game today, and I'm in a hurry, so it'd be cool if those things could be ready for me when I get there. I'll be there soon."
In my head, I was thinking, "I don't want to do this for you, but I will because it's the nice thing to do, and that's what I want to be - Nice." I didn't want to fight, and not doing this for him would've started one. So I told him sure, I could do that. He kept talking to me on the phone while I gathered his stuff, then I told him his things were on the seat of his Harley. He said thanks.
Then he said, "After the game, I want to go have a beer or two with (friend he lived with) and (another friend)....if you're alright with that. I won't go if you're going to be mad at me." I said if that was what he wanted to do, then that was ok. I was not going to be mad. He said, "Why not?" I said, "Because...I don't want to be mad. Being mad solves nothing. Doesn't get anybody anywhere." He was quiet for a moment, so I said 'hello?' to see if he was still there.....hmm, did that statement get him thinking a little?
Anyway, he responded, then he said, "I've missed a lot of my games lately because of my ankle, you know? So I just want to try to play tonight then have some drinks with (friend) and (friend). I won't be gone all night. I'll be home by 9, I promise."
I said, "Ok, that's all good, but you don't have to commit to a time. You can stay out later if you like." H said, "Well I can't stay out late. I have to work tomorrow morning." I said, "I understand that. I'm just trying to say that I don't expect you to be home at a certain time. Doesn't matter." H said, "It DOES matter. I'll be home by 9 tonight, and I work day shift all this week, so I promise you that I'll be home every evening after work." I said ok, and reminded him where I left his soccer gear. He again said thanks, and he'd see us in a few.
H walked in about 5 minutes later, said hi to the boys and everything for a bit. I was on the computer watching 'StupidVideos' or something like that, and there was one where these guys were trying to do a stunt on an ATV. H walked up beside me and was talking about how he wanted to get some ATVs for the boys. I thought that would be cool.
He was talking about some other things, too, but I don't remember exactly what now . H was out in the garage getting ready to leave, saying bye to the kids, and I was heading back into the living room when he walked back inside behind me. Just as I was sitting down, H said, "Hey?" (he said it in a familiar way - nice, almost sweet and caring). I looked up at him, he rubbed my arm, and said thanks again for being cool with him going to play in his game and hanging out with the guys after that. I just smiled and said, "Yeah. Enjoy yourself." He said thanks then left.
While I was in S8's room closing the blinds and turning down his bed, I heard H pulling into the garage on his Harley, looked at the clock, and saw that it was just before 9pm.
I heard him come inside, say 'hi' to the kids, and he was walking all around the house. Then I heard him ask the boys, "Where's Mom?" The boys told him I was in the room as I shouted out that I was in S8's room. He came in, smiled!, and said, "Hey, want to go for a ride on the Harley?"
My back was to him because I was closing the blinds at that very moment - I'm glad it was, otherwise he might've seen my jaw drop! I wanted to say YES!!, but instead I said, "That sounds REALLY cool, but what about the kids?" H said, "We could go around the block once....It was just an idea." Then he walked out of the room.
F ME!!! Golden opportunity there, but I just wasn't comfortable with leaving the kids by themselves at night, even if for just 10 minutes. Dangit.
Oh well. Maybe some other time.
The rest of the evening was alright. Kids were in bed, H and I watched some TV before he decided to head to bed. Didn't ask me to join him this time, but that's alright. He just asked me to make sure he woke up on time to get ready for work, and I did.
He called this morning to ask me to look for a number for him on craigslist. There's a yellow Daytona Charger he saw yesterday that he wanted to call about. So I did that for him.
Ummmmm.....Ok, that's about it for now!
I need to catch up with everyone else's threads!
Thanks to you all who have been there for me through this extremely rough patch this past week. (((((((HUGS)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Now, I babysat my infant niece when I was 11 one summer, all day by myself until my mom got home from work (after 5 or 6pm).
So naturally as an adult now, I have tried leaving the younger two at home with their older brother.
Let's just say that S12 is not ready and responsible enough to handle this yet.
One time, I went to the store (just around the corner) and was gone for about 15, 20 minutes. When I returned, S12 was playing on the computer while S3 was having fun tossing my mosaic-tiled decorative balls in the kitchen! There were broken bits of glass tile EVERYWHERE! *Sigh*.....
I didn't give up trying to still hand down some responsibility after that. Just told S12 he needed to be PAYING ATTENTION to whatever his little brother was doing. I remember him saying, "Well I didn't hear him!"......How can you NOT hear glass breaking???!!!! I heard it out in the garage when I got out of my car!
Anyway, whenever I need to run to the store, I still do, and I'm always sure to remind them about not answering the phone or the door for anyone. NO EXCUSES, unless it is me or their dad talking on the answering machine telling them to pick up, and if for some reason we are at the door knocking, we will say to them that it is Mom or Dad, open the door. Otherwise, NO. DON'T DO IT.
I ran to the store again one night because I realized we were out of milk, and I needed it for their breakfast the next morning. Came back about 15 minutes later and found H on the couch with S8 (S12 and S3 were in the other room playing, and this happened before H moved back home). H looked p*ssed but was holding it back. He said, "Do they know not to answer the door when you're gone?" I said, "Yes, I remind them every time, and they say they understand." Well H told me that he knocked on the door. Just knocked and didn't say, "It's Dad." Just kept knocking, and without asking who's there, S8 unlocked and opened the door.
*Sigh.... ......Geez.
So now, S8 knows better (I tested him after that incident by knocking on the door and not saying a word - he passed! ), but S12 still doesn't pay attention. He's too much into himself. Hmm, sounds like......
Anyway, now I just take S3 with me all the time again, and I try to make sure I have what we need while the older two are in school during the day so that I don't have to head out in the evening for anything. I could just have them all get in the car, but it's easier leaving S12 and S8 home together so I don't have to hear, "But I don't want to go shopping! I don't like going to the store!"
So see, that's why it was hard to immediately accept the invitation without thinking about the boys first.
Quote:
Sounds like some nice positives. Hang in there!
Definitely some good things there, and I will.
But I won't count my chickens just yet either!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I think I said that S12 obviously will be less mature than you were at that age since he's a 12 yr old boy and they mature slower. Which may also be the problem with your H! Lol.
And then I said that even if you didn't take him up on the ride, there were some good WOA opportunities there. When he said "it was just an idea" (I'm assuming a bit defensively) you could have said "it's a great one" or something like that.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I'll keep sending messages to the universe (that sounds so new age... and hippie dippie). I doubt that's what brought about the change, but it doesn't hurt anything. =)
You deserve so much happiness... I hope your h can turn himself around for you and the boys (and himself!).
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Michelle and ACJ - I've had that happen to me, too (the website devouring my posts). Not sure what happens on your computers, but mine seems to just 'stick'. Doesn't freeze up, just takes FOREVER to go through, IF at all. So what I usually do when that happens is hit the 'STOP' button on my toolbar, copy what I have written, and then come back when the site's actually functioning properly and paste it when trying to post again. Make sense? Anyhow, works for me. Still frustrating but at least I don't have to retype anything!
Originally Posted By: MichelleLT
I think I said that S12 obviously will be less mature than you were at that age since he's a 12 yr old boy and they mature slower. Which may also be the problem with your H! Lol.
Probably!
Right, I understand about the maturity thing. It probably doesn't help either that his momma does almost everything for him. We've been working on that though.
Quote:
And then I said that even if you didn't take him up on the ride, there were some good WOA opportunities there. When he said "it was just an idea" (I'm assuming a bit defensively) you could have said "it's a great one" or something like that.
Not defensively. I know, a little hard to believe right now. He actually sounded a little disappointed, and I did give some WOA (looks like I left that out in my previous post ). Not immediately after he said it (doh!), but later when we had just sat down to watch some TV. I told him, "Thanks for offering the ride. That was really cool, and I really appreciate the thought. I just wasn't comfortable with leaving the boys here by themselves at this hour."
I like your suggestion better though!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Isn't it funny how we can always think of things for other people's stitches? I get the worst brain farts sometimes when I'm faced with golden opportunities with my H lol.
As for the boys, they all gotta grow up sometime. And it's not always easy lol. I think our H's are long past-due however.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
YAY ME!!! 
I won!!! Muwahahahaha!!!! 
Golden opportunity there, but I just wasn't comfortable with leaving the kids by themselves at night, even if for just 10 minutes. Dangit.
*Sigh*.....
......Geez.
