Well, I sure could use some encouragement. I am having such a hard time hanging in there with a H who keeps saying crazy things, but holding out major hope for a reconciliation...
He is here a lot, but has not moved in, and says he wants "to try" and wants to take a trip with me, but keeps mentioning "if" we get back together. Meanwhile, last night he said he wants to buy a painting to decorate his apartment, so it doesn't sound like he has immediate plans to move home.
Plus, he has told our 17 year old son that he is thinking about getting a bigger apartment, which is the opposite of what he tells me. Our son is away at school, but will be home for the summer, so I feel for the limbo he is living with, too.
We have gone back to MC twice, and H insisted that it was "not fair" that I "unilaterally decreed" that he not travel to Costa Rica to the wedding, after he has changed his mind about going at least 5 times.
Maybe I should not have gone there, but I finally told him that he had said he was going on the trip, I had started to look forward to it, and, as far as changing his mind again, in my opinion, he can go to Costa Rica or go to hell!
This is what I am afraid of--that he really is crazy. I thought we were "piecing", but he is so careful not to fully commit to the process that it feels as though he is deliberately trying to make me feel crazy. And it is working!
Did anyone out there REALLY start to doubt that they wanted their M after such shabby treatment? This indecision is downright insulting! I try to have compassion for him, almost as though he has a brain tumor, but I really feel like he is F'ing with me.
I have loved this man for 30 years, and I am rapidly losing respect for him. To me, he is starting to look more and more like an emotionally limited old man, who likes to get his way, fantasizes about young women, and lacks much empathy or appreciation for me.
We are the same age, but I have stayed in shape, and look relatively young for my age. I have always had a life--GAL is not the issue, unless it is a life without him. I have always been a pretty upbeat person, have a lot of friends and interests, but have been willing to live with his depression and irritability.
Sorry to be so depressing, myself, but our 30th anniversary is coming up, and, for me, it feels big. I am pretty burned out on keeping my lip "zipped"--I can put up with a lot if I feel appreciated, which I don't! I just feel like he is resigning himself to life with me, because it is better than the alternatives. (That was how he phrased it in MC--that he had to decide if he was going "to settle" for me, or strike out on his own.)
So, this is the big question: Is there really any realistic hope that my H will "step up" and meet me halfway, or is the question really one of accepting that he is who he is. Truthfully, I don't want to settle for that.
Is there anyone out there who made it through major second thoughts of their own, while waiting for their MLC spouse? Please tell me it is worth it (if it is.)
