When life just hits you

[Cinderellaman]

Thank you ACJ.

Well, MIL called to tell me about the introduction to ow last night. She said all went well, that they did express their concern for their grandchildren and that they still care very much about me. Then they went out to dinner and had a lovely evening.

I didn't expect anything else really.

I have often said here on the boards, that my H's ow is very sweet and seems to be a nice person, all over.

After all, my kids love her.

MIL, said that she was awfully young.

I remember reading somewhere in DR or DB that you have to try and find what your partner is missing and finding in his affair, so that you can offer it yourself and therefore attract the attention back.
Well, according to MIL, ow ADORES H....and yes, when I was 16 and very much in love with him, I too ADORED him.
I still do in a way, but I have felt that it was something I couldn't keep expressing to a man that is in-love with someone else. (It would encourage cake-eating behaviour, right ?)

So, right now I am sad, sad that I maybe should have loved him more, shown him more that I love him too ....even though he had/has an ow.
I feel now that maybe I have 'banned' him from my life, and I only have my own self to blame, for it was me that made the NC choice, and it was ME that felt that seeing him often would only mean more heartache and pain and would probably not bring him back. Who was I to have the right to assume that?

I feel that in my case, my H is TRULY happy elsewhere. It hurts to know that he is so in-love and that therefore there is NO CRACK in their R whatsoever...It hurts, because I have been replaced. And H is truly happy.

I wonder if the pain will ever truly stop.

[Cinderellaman]

I would have been worth fighting for, but he no longer wanted that. I could have made him happy. I have become a better person and know now that I could have shown my love in better ways....

[MissH]

Oh Sweetie, I feel the same way you do right now.

Maybe someone out there can help us a little bit with this.

(((((((hugs))))))

[tpaschal]

Oh Sweetie, I feel the same way you do right now.

Maybe someone out there can help us a little bit with this.

(((((((hugs))))))

And I am right there with both of you, crying as I read this and Cinders post above. I feel the exact same way.

But what hurts even more is that it's not just about me and him. Even if I screwed up horribly, aren't the kids worth giving me another chance to show him how wonderful it could be? Am I really such a monster that even his kids' happiness can't convince him to give it another shot?

But then......I know. If this was just about me and him and our marriage, he WOULD give us another chance, even if he was just sticking it out for the kids' sakes. That's how I KNOW this is a MLC. The wonderful and loving father my H used to be would never do this to his kids if it wasn't MLC.

And that's what you guys need to KNOW, too. This is NOT about the things we did wrong. We were not perfect, we did things wrong in our marriages, and we need to change and grow for the better, to be sure, but his MLC is all about him.

I think that is the hallmark of MLC---selfishness.

But it still hurts. It hurts like hell. Why am I not enough to get him through this? Why wasn't my love and the kids love enough? And why wasn't he strong enough to find another way through this---DAMN IT! I want to SCREAM at him!!!

[Lissie]

That replaced, disposable feeling sort of sucks ass, doesn't it?

Well the good news is that it will go away.

When? The more you focus on the people, that really DO love you and want you to be by their side no matter what.

Like your children, and your loving family.

As for your MIL, whatever. Blood is thicker than water, be careful there sugar.

They like to talk the talk but they don't really walk the walk.

You are a good soul. Good things surround you. Just take a closer look ok.

My prayers with you.

[angelica]

Cinders, this is mrs-nasty-and cynical writing here. A grown up person doesn't actually want to be adored. Loved, yes, and respected, but adoration belongs to the very young and tremendously immature.

A sane and balanced person should not actually continue to 'adore' another person, as it is stunting to their and the 'adored' one's growth. If your h needs that all his life he is going to have to hop from relationship to relationship as the adoration gradually wears off. Or he finds someone stuck in adoration mode - but he might eventually get bored, or search for someone who adores him EVEN more. What I am trying to say is it isn't healthy and it isn't sustainable.

Being grown up hurts, but ultimately it is more fun!

I am not sure that the grown up person you are could make the spoilt little brat that your h has become, a happy man, he would always have been looking for a mindless girl to adore him. DOn't beat yourself up on this one Cinders,

A

[kikifree]

Cinders,

This too will pass. Remember myH'd OW moved in with his parnts and his mom stopped talking to me.

Ouch. But that has passed.

You will see.

Yes we all were goo goo ga ga in the beginning. What do you think will happen after awhile?

A new box a cereal gets old too. it isn't YOU. it is your H.

((((Hugs)))))

[mishka422]

I echo what kiki and angelica have said. This will pass.

Let's look at this another way. Did your H continue to be loving, romantic, constantly attentive to you throughout the years of your marriage? Did you ever feel neglected? Unadored? Uncherished? How long before the bomb do you remember losing his "adoration"?

You deserved to have attention and love shown to you by your husband. I have a feeling that if you weren't feeling that anymore you may have subconciously pulled back from him. I know that's what happened in my M. H stopped showing me affection, stopped participating in our M almost entirely and I became his mother almost as much as I am mother to our son. He just became the errand boy. Would only do things that needed to get done if I specifically asked him to do them. No initiative.

You should definitely continue your relationship with your MIL but don't expect her to continue to support you against OW. Blood is definitely thicker than water and no matter what H is doing that MIL finds wrong, she won't go against him. Be careful friends with her.

((((Cinders))))

[ACJ]

I agree you should maintain a R with your MIL but perhaps you could somehow make her understand that when she tells you about H & OW that it hurts and that you would rather not know (I know deep down you do want to know but besides the hurt what else does it achieve?)

[Cinderellaman]

Dearest of friends,

You have echoed what a dear friend here just called to tell me. She also said that I need to find acceptance, that I need to accept this happened and not dwell on the why's or how's. I asked her if acceptance meant that I would think it fine that all this happened to me, and she explained to me that one can accept yet not like it still. Acceptance therefore does not mean that I like what happened or that I even agree with the why's and how's, it just means that I can pick up my life and go on.

I know that this too shall pass; I have been at this long enough to know that...yet I do feel that these outbursts of sadness and sometimes even a little bit of anger and jealousy are also needed to release some suppresed feelings.

I sometimes really think that it was all me, the reason for our failed marriage and all, but deep in my heart, I guess I know that H had a choice when he fell in love with ow, he could have chosen ME and the kids instead of her.

It's nearly midnight here and I am off to bed, I will do a huge prayer and hopefully the tears won't come again for a while. I love you all for caring so much, and thank you for your encouraging words to me ! Take care xxxxx