Real life's getting more like fiction each day (2)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H just called...says that he is serious about working things out. Says he wants to get into counseling because he knows that he needs help and can't do it totally alone. He says that he paid off the lease on the apartment and does not want to stay there (maybe he was staying there with OW??).

I am going to go work out. I just can't think about this any longer.

Say: "Great. I agree -- you need some professional counseling. Unfortunately, I cannot trust you not to hurt me, as you've lied to me so many times before. This is your mess, and you need to clean it up. Once you've had six or nine or twelve months of success under your belt, if you still feel like reconciling, perhaps we can talk, but I cannot even think about letting you back right now, and frankly, your living arrangements aren't my problem. You're welcome here during the day, or before 11 o'clock at night, if you need to shower or use the laundry, but I can't have you interrupt my sleep anymore because you don't have a place to stay. You left us."

[GoingForward]

(((((((Sara)))))))

I don't believe there ever was an apartment with a 3-month lease agreement. I think your gut was right - he was with OW. Maybe not the whole time he's been gone, but even still.

And now coupled with this:

Oh...when he called me just now, who's name did he say yet again? Hers! Ugh!

I believe it even more.

I understand why you let him back in. I really do. But for him to call YOU by OW's name.......It's ridiculous. Unbelievable.

He should not be allowed back in the house until he SHOWS you that he's got his sh** together. All this "talk" he's giving you......CRUMBS, Sara. CRUMBS.

Just my opinion, and I'm very angry for you.

(((((Sara)))))

[klm]

So take him up on the counseling. If he is serious then he will cut all contact with OW. That may even involve changing phone numbers and email addresses. Make him show you some action before you let him come back. You can not work on it with a third person involved.

[klm]

and I'm very angry for you.

Ugh!! Me too!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So take him up on the counseling. If he is serious then he will cut all contact with OW. That may even involve changing phone numbers and email addresses. Make him show you some action before you let him come back. You can not work on it with a third person involved.

100% no-contact -- forever -- via a little OK'd and mailed by YOU, plus full transparency. Tell him that the marriage may take months, or even a couple of YEARS to fix, but that the DECISION, if he's serious, should only take five minutes.

Then start counting.

Or, if you're feeling generous, give him 24 hours, but tell him not to bother coming back over or to say ANY more "I've changed my mind" talk until he's ready to agree to this. Assure him that once he's ended it with OW, and the two of you begin to work thru the infidelity pain, that you are ready to address ANY and ALL issues in the marriage, but since he is the one who broke his wedding vows, this (the adultery) has to come first.

And do not waver.

Puppy

[MichelleLT]

Make him work for it Sara. He needs to decide it's what he wants and back it up with actions.

[Starshyne]

He asked me if he could come into the house tonight after his class. I told him that I would have to think about it. When I came home tonight, his stuff was on the floor in the room with the couch. I was bad and snooped through it and found ladies underwear in a sandwhich bag in his suitcase. I just can't take this!

I do believe that he had an apartment because I found some paperwork for one and saw that he took out the amount for a downpayment on it. The OW was actually living with her mom last I knew because she was evicted from her apartment. So both of them could have been living there.

The calling me by the OWs name isn't shocking. He always is calling other people by the wrong names. He called me "Amy" (his gf before me, who he had broken up with at least a year prior to meeting me) for at least the first 6 months of our relationship. But the fact that HER name would slip out 2 times now, totally shows me that it was in fact her the whole time.

[MichelleLT]

I was bad and snooped through it and found ladies underwear in a sandwhich bag in his suitcase. I just can't take this!

Ummmmmmmm, that's just plain strange.

Bad Sara for snooping though!

Why did you put up with him calling you the wrong name for 6 months? Was it like a joke or something?

Stick to your guns. Tell him he can stay a couple days if he needs to, and longer if he SHOWS he's willing to work on the M, but no coming home after 11 and no crazy drama.

[Starshyne]

I put up with it because I know him. He didn't say it on purpose. I am telling you, he calls everyone by the wrong name all of the time. He is awful with names. A lot of people say that, but he really is. I am SURE he called the OW "Sara" a bunch more times than the 2 times he called me by her name.

I am sticking with my plan. As long as there is no drama and he is home before 11pm, he can sleep on the couch. If he shows me by his actions that he is serious, then he can continue to do that. If there is one sign of anything else, the door is locked again. And the woman's panties in the bag need to go!!!!


Yeah, I know it was bad to snoop....but there was his stuff. It was too tempting for me.

He actually does sound different saying these words this time. And it is the first time ever for him to mention counseling. Before he laughed at the thought of it...so maybe something is changing inside of him for the better. Or....maybe she kicked him out as well and he doesn't know what else to do.

He said that he wants his life back like it was before. That is exactly what I want. Yeah, maybe a little bit better than before, but really we had a great marriage before December. We had been through counseling for the issue that happened in 06 and worked through that and things were really good. I don't understand where everything went wrong. Anyhow...I am just thinking outloud.

[fightingirish]

im not going to hit you with a 2x4 about the snooping, because I would have done the same thing.

You do need to stick to the plan as you say, and like puppy said don't waver... He needs to know your not playing around and that you mean business.