Maybe Last Thread in Separating, Found DB 2 Late

[CBK]

Hey CW - I would agree, go to Tahoe, relax and put your feet up - YOU deserve it. As Jeff said, it will really give him the taste of what it is going to be like. Even if your D's bday is Saturday, maybe you could go up that night and enjoy a nice glass of wine to unwind.

I don't know how I would deal with the Bday as you want to make sure your D has a great time, and if H has no idea, then is that going to be good for D? Just a thought.

Thanks for your words on my thread. Better place today...

CBK

[cw68]

Well, just got back from the lawyer. Really liked her. She is divorced herself with a 5-year old boy, remarried now. I felt like she was giving me real information and not selling me on her services or anything. In fact, she recommended going with a mediator and ended up only charging me for a 1/2 hour of her time though we spent almost an hour, which her stated consultation rate is 1 hour billable.

She thinks I should file, though she doesn't think we should divorce. She said that her opinion was that me saying I'll never file allows him to sit in this comfy spot as he slowly detaches himself from me, that my inaction is allowing him the room to do this at his own speed. She said that it's obvious that he's not taking any steps back to the relationship and it's time to stop allowing him to do that. Her big point was that filing doesn't mean it's over, heck we can sit there with it filed for five years and not do a thing, but in the meantime I've forced the issue while he's still feeling guilt, remorse and on the fence, and protected myself.

I had told her multiple times that I trust him financially, because I do. She said that's good, and usually we know our spouses, but that as he gets more and more comfortable with this situation as it is, he may feel more and more anger with me and feel more "entitled" to treat himself because his life is so rough. Filing will protect me financially.

So now I have a lot of thinking to do. Is it time to do the LRT? Perhaps it is.

At the end of the session, she told me that her wish is that instead of getting a divorce that we, instead, get the tools to make our marriage work, but that that takes two and right now there's only one on that page. She recommended that I make a move to protect myself and perhaps propel the two of us back to the marriage, or at least on the path of healing.

[JenInVen]

Wow CW what a great L! She is pro marriage and that says a lot. I hope you take her advice to heart.

Jen

[CBK]

CW - what a great lawyer you have found. Most L's want to start the proceedings, they get paid for you TO D - so great job finding this one. Also, being that she is D as well with kids, that will help you as you go through the process.

Interestng that filing may put him on a path as well, never thought about that. Let us know your progress.

CBK

[MichelleLT]

Definitely! Great advice and she seems like she really understands.

[newnamenewlife]

Wow, she sounds more like a therapist! Sounds like a good move, CW.

I called a mediator/lawyer today at my H's request and am feeling really annoyed all over again, as the financial impact is starting to sink in. The mediator costs $250/hour and estimated that we'd need about 3-4 sessions to create a S agreement, which should then be looked over by an attorney, another cost. I learned from her that in our state, I could claim that my H abandoned me if he moves out--which is why he is so adamant about having a separation agreement beforehand.

Anyway, I seem to have a bad habit of hijacking threads lately, so I'll stop and save this rant for my own!

[cw68]

Well, I think I'm going to file. We'll have to sell the house because after running the numbers, I cannot afford to keep it. All the equity we gained the first five years of our marriage will be gone after we sell it because of the drop in housing prices and realtor fees.

Everything, gone. I'm grieving right now.

This is it people. It's over.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((cw)))))
I don't have time to say more right now, but I will!

[newnamenewlife]

CW, I'm so sorry. It's an awful feeling to think of losing not only one's M, but so many other things in one's life. It absolutely sucks and I wish these men would just stop the insanity! I am very much in the same place.

[MichelleLT]

Well, go ahead and file. Don't give up hope quite yet, just be okay no matter what the outcome. It may shock him into action, or it may not. At this point, it seems like you feel you have to do something. And that's okay. (((cw)))