It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted, so I thought I would update. Things are going well. Not so much with the relationship, but with me. Been keeping busy both on my weeks with the kids and my weeks off. The weeks with the kids are generally hectic. Need to get them from school, then off to one activity or another. Back home for dinner, then homework and bed.
Just a little set up before I journal on the events this weekend...
W moved out on 4/19. In the weeks leading up her moving out, our discussions relating to the separation and how it related to our relationship were very positive. We talked about it being time to reflect more on ourselves, but would also give us a chance to date each other and get to know each other again. We talked about having movie nights together and she suggested several times that I might need to get a babysitter once in awhile and sneak over to her apartment for an occasional rendezvous. Sure sounded very positive to me going into it. Kicker is that she also suggested that I should go out and date other people so that I could be sure about my feelings for her. That I would find out if I really want her back.
The reality is that she has become more and more distant in the past couple of weeks. There were kisses and hugs when she first moved out, but that stopped pretty quickly. She never calls me for any reason other than to discuss issues about the kids or money, and when she talks to the kids on the phone, she rarely asks to talk to me afterwards.
So this weekend... I know I'll get bunches of criticism here, but I took my W's suggestion and set up a 'date' this past Saturday to go to a wine festival with a woman I had met last year when we were on the verge of divorce. I invited her to the festival as well as another guy friend of mine. The day was very nice. Weather was great and we had fun hanging out and drinking wine. We started talking to another couple there and spent the rest of the day with them. We ended the night by going to my sister's restaurant for dinner. Good day all around and I really enjoyed myself.
Normally on Sunday evenings, we do a family dinner with the in-laws and we had discussed that this would be a good location for us to switch the kids. The past couple of weeks, I didn't go for one reason or another. She called me early in the day to find out if I planned on going there to get the kids or if she should drop them off with me on her way home. I called and told her that I would be there to get the kids. This was the first Sunday since her moving out that I would be eating there and I was filled with apprehension on my drive there. I was thinking that the evening would be very awkward and uncomfortable. When I got there, I was relieved that I was warmly welcomed as I always am. W and I spoke quite a bit before dinner and everything seemed great.
After dinner, W and I were left alone at the table and she asked me how the wine festival was. I hadn't told her that I had gone (she hadn't asked either), so I was a bit surprised that she knew. She explained that she had seen a flier at the house when I was out. She asked who I went with and I told her the events of the day. I also mentioned where we had gone to dinner. She commented that she still hadn't been to the restaurant and then mentioned that she probably wouldn't be welcome there. I replied that under the circumstances that my sister probably wouldn't receive her very well at which W got visibly upset and left the table. She went outside to put the kid's bags into my car. I followed her outside and we talked some. She was mad about this 'double standard'. That it is perfectly acceptable for me to bring a girlfriend to my sister's restaurant, but W can't go there. That her family accepts me, but my family does not accept her. She said I can come to family dinner and look like the 'hero'. Her family still loves me and it is not fair to her. Her brother talks to me like a friend, but criticizes her for her actions. She is trying to do the right thing, but she can't win. She still looks like the bad guy even though she is trying to do things the right way.
She even mentioned that my family has never really accepted and loved her. I was thinking about this on the way into work and think she's way off base here. My family always loved and accepted her. I think there is a bit of revisionist history going on. W is the god-mother of my niece for crying out loud. Is that not acceptance of her? We are identified in wills as guardians of several of my nieces / nephews. Does this not show love and trust?? I do have more of a connection with her family primarily because there has been more contact there. Two of my sisters live out of state, so we don't see them very often. Unfortunately, under the recent circumstances, my W has fallen from the good graces. Is this not to be expected? Is there some reason given the circumstances that I should not have contact with her family?
We kept talking and I mentioned that since she moved out, she has gotten more and more distant. That what had originally sounded like a positive arrangement was no longer a time to work on us. I told her that I was okay living alone. That I was having fun on my weeks off that that I was doing okay by myself with the kids. She also told me that she was okay living alone and enjoying it. I said that was good. That we should be able to be happy on our own as individuals. She countered that point and said something about one day wanting be that 80 year old couple that after one of them passes, the other passes shortly after because they can't live without their spouse. I told her that I thought it was unhealthy to be so connected to you spouse that you can't live without them and brought up codependency. She seemed to scoff at this. She seems to be back at needing the fairy tale, over the top romantic definition of love. She seems to think that since we are okay living apart, that this validates her belief that we don't belong together. When she first moved out, many people asked if she was getting back together with the OG. I adamantly denied this and truly believed that she wouldn't do that again, but this belief is quickly wavering. I have seen nothing concrete to prove this, but her actions towards me are reminiscent of what they were in the middle of the A. Her interactions and dialog with me are limited. Her patience with me is limited. She has no desire to do things with or be with me.
