Right im'e just tempted to leve to protect my feelings. H is just so back and forth then wants to know why im'e not talking .
If i act as if I feel it just gives him permission to just keep up with his crap.
The last few weeks he hasn't wanted to go do anything with just the two of us. One minute he'll be fine giving me a kiss, then won't even talk. Last nite when we went to bed he wouldn't even turn around to give me a kiss good night. I told him goodnight and he just mumbled back to me and that was that. Then this morning I know he wanted sex, I just got up and went about my bussines. Im so sick and tired of this. I feel by acting as if all the time im allowing him to keep treating me like a rag doll that he can toss back and forth.
I know he has a lot going on with his Mom but so have I since im the one doing alot of the stuff for her, plus working a full time and two part time jobs.
SO Flipping Tired of this sh!t.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I did not even mention the best part of my sitch as of late.
The night H avoided giving me a kiss goodnight he was dreaming and even though he hasn't talked in his sleep in a while, he did Sat. He mentioned OW's name Three times that I heard once talking to her something about waiting, and as he was talking to her he was groping for me!!! What a self esteem killer that was.
I know he is going through so much right now. I have been very quiet but still did things for him gave him dinner, plate made for him. made sure all of his clothes were clean, asked him if he wanted anything after dinner. He askes me what was wrong and I said nothing. What i should have said was that I couldn't talk about it then as my feelings were to all over the place to talk in a rational manner. Oh well we can't be perfect at DBing all the time I guess. It's funny thast he is so quiet most of the time and I wonder if I did something to upset him but when I don't talk something is wrong.
Like I said I know a lot of this is probobly everything that is going on but, what about talking in his sleep about her. It's not her that concerns me at all, it is the fact that he might still be holding on to her in some way that bothers me.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 05/19/0812:50 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
((((JAK))))) Do we ever get the trust fully back? Do we always have to feel like we are walking on eggshells?
Here is my 2 cents, not worth a whole lot, but I thought I'd throw it out there. We all tend to overanalyze, myself included! I think I'm the queen of overanalyzing! I do think he has a lot on his mind with his mother being sick.We all know how men hold their feelings in more than women. (Men, that is not a jab at you) Everything we read tells us that men and women express feelings differently. This is the hard part, he is probably not fully over the OW 100%. We would like them to be, but I guess it's like any other relationship, you can't just turn it on and off and go cold turkey immdiately. Look what we all have been through and we can't turn our emotions off and stop loving them! Unless you have some concrete proof that he is seeing her, I would just continue trying what you have been doing. You have made so many gains. I do honestly think you H is trying, but he seems to be one that keeps his emotions bottled up. From what you have said he has always been like this.
Hold you head up, you are doing a wonderful job.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I fully agree with you on this. I know he is not seeing her. Does he still have feelings for her? Maybe but I don't care about that. What I do care about is that it's put in my face so to speak and that kills the self esteem a little each time. You can only pick yourself up and dust yourself off so much before it gets old.
I did write him a letter that I think says alot of what I feel we both need and that I know he has a lot on his mind.
I did mention the talking in his sleep only because I feel that the boundry needs to be addressed. I did mention it very tactfully though.
I do know that he is trying but, we have been in this same spot for too long and not budging because he won't talk or express any thing. Something needs to give and I feel I have to do the budging or nothing will ever change.
Yoyo I want you to know that I do really value your opinion.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 05/19/0803:53 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I'm sorry you are feeling this way.Im hoping that its just everything that is going on right now.
Did you give him the letter??
I would have freaked out if I heard that, you are a stronger person than I. Limbo is a terrible place to be, and the fact that he is so up and down doesn't help it. I think the letter is a good idea, maybe it will sink in.
(((((hugs))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I gave H the letter and he has said nothing except you drove all that way to put a note in my truck( I was in the area for my work ).
This morning he gave me a few kisses though and said ILY.
I did tell him in the letter just what I needed from him to feel love, and reciprocate his. I also told him what I felt were his and asked him to let me know if they were not. I wrote that I chose to love him and explained that I felt that he was waiting for the in love feeling to come back and explained my take on the subject. Im'e sure that gave him something to think about.
I did mention his talking in his sleep. also said no I did not think anything was going on but that it hurt just the same even though I know he can't control that. Also kind of joked about it as he used to talk in his sleep all of the time so I would ask for things and he always said yes. I told him I would prefer that.
I feel he still won't really mention much if anything. He'll just act on it for a while anyway. I don't want him to feel pressure, that I know he still needs time and I will give him that but it has been a very long time and he needed to know just exactly how I felt,( I do think he is far enough along in his journey to be able to talk about this stuff ) and will tell him that face to face but he needs to know where I stand as we have been in this position way too long and as Michelle says if it isn't working do something different. I did make sure that I told him how much I appeciate everything he is to me and our kids. I also made sure to mention that I felt not talking is what got us to this point in the first place.
So that is my story for the day. Just wish it was the End. Who knows just maybe.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, I'm wondering if there's a way for you to be specific in the steps you want your H to make. At this time you're telling him that your needs aren't being met, and that he needs to make more of an effort.
I'm wondering if he needs more specific guidance here. You're looking for a dialogue, but maybe he needs the right type of leadership--patient, specific, positive.
Think of a way he can experiment with something new, so that he can't fail. Be his mind and voice to start with, and articulate what you think his fears and avoidance might be. Identify small steps for him to take, and please be patient with him. If he senses any impatience or pressure than he will retreat.
You can also take it a step further back, and simply talk about his ambivalence to change. Again, be his mind and voice, and articulate what you think is holding him back.
Often the path towards change, is moving into our fears and uncomfortable emotions, and being able to talk about the avoidance, before one can make a commitment to trying something new. He needs to know that it's OK to have these issues, and they don't take away his positives, and don't lessen your love for him. My guess is that he's very hard on himself for not being a complete husband.
I think the power struggle between you two, is because you're not on the same page. You're committed for him to start showing change, and he's avoiding thinking about difficult thoughts and feelings centered around being more intimate with someone.
I think if you can move closer to where he is, and make the steps smaller for him, you'll have a greater chance of success. You'll have to work at being patient with him, and being empathetic towards his struggles with avoidance and intimacy. He has to trust that you're safe to talk to about these issues.
It's a dilemma for you, because you're invested in him changing, but you also have the vantage point of being influential in helping him change, if you can adopt the right stance.
CL
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
