Real life's getting more like fiction each day (2)

[klm]

That's great Sara, now is a good time to set some boundaries with him. Think about what you need for him to do for it to be different this time.

You have taken back some of your control. Be cautiously optimistic.

[Starshyne]

*sigh* Here I go again. My phone rings at 1:30am. It is H. He sounds upset and is begging me to let him into the house and sleep on the couch. Says he hasn't been sleeping barely at all for the past few weeks and has no where to go. Tells me he is serious about changing even though he has said it before and didn't really mean this time is different. So I did it. I caved in and let him in the house. I am weak like that. I can't turn my husband away. But I figure it is his house and he does have a right to sleep on the couch. I am not sure if it was a one night thing or what. He has his first class tonight and won't be home until after 10pm.

I am just cautious. I vividly remember January 20th when I kicked him out and he came back saying he was going to change and then 2 days later bolted to be with the OW. Chances are strong that will happen again, so I am ready this time.

Go ahead and throw the 2 x 4's at me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

"Tough love," Sara. Sounds like you've got the "love" part down pat.

This was a huge missed opportunity, in my opinion, but something tells me that you'll have more. In the meantime, I'd advise you to get in a truth dart about how "unattractive" (and use that word) his behavior is to you personally.

Men hate to hear that.

Puppy

[Starshyne]

It was a missed opportunity to do what?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Let him know that coming home at all hours -- like he had done previously -- is no longer acceptable.

[klm]

This was a huge missed opportunity, in my opinion, but something tells me that you'll have more.

I agree. It is a missed opportunity because if you had turned him down then he would have really seen what it was like if you weren't there to pick up the pieces. He hasn't truly felt that yet. He doesn't know what it would be like to lose you because he knows he can come back without changing anything. He still has a choice and he knows that.

I just worry that he is using you. I mean he already doesn't want to take the classes? He should take them or he should be working full time...I believe you said he was only working part time.

Yes, technically it is his house but he hasn't been contributing at all, financially or otherwise. Maybe you should tell him that was a one night thing until he can prove to you that it is going to be different. Let him know HOW he can do that. Think about what YOU need.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He then goes into how he thinks he wants to not go back to school and taking the nursing classes. He says how the only reason he wanted that was to make enough money to live on his own, and if we are working things out then he doesn't need that. I talk him into at least trying the classes because only good can come out of them. He says that he values what I think and will try them at least this week.

Sara, I must admit, I missed this part completely when I read your post.

Does your husband have a full-time job? I'm sorry, Nursing just doesn't seem to me to be a vocation where one "tries it for a week and sees how it goes." What is this guy's plan, career-wise, and what is his working status?

I'm sorry, I don't remember this from your previous posts.

thanks,

Puppy

[Starshyne]

Alright my husband's work sitch. When we first got married he was a full time student at the St. Louis Bible college. He graduated and had a difficult time finding a preaching job and eventually realized that preaching isn't really for him after all. He was unemployed for about a year while he was looking for work (and all the while doing everything to take care of the house). He also had several seasonal jobs. This past July he got hired full time at his current job. He is a homemaker for the elderly. He goes into their homes and does things for them. He is currently working full time (as long as none of his clients are put in the hospital). Someone mentioned to him that he could get a job as a CNA if he took the 6 week classes. That is the schooling that starts today, although he wasn't really sure if he'd like the CNA job better than what he is doing now, he knew that it paid more. For the six weeks he is taking classes, his work schedule will be cut to part time (I think that is what Kris was thinking about). So he IS working full time, but at a low paying job.

I know I messed up. It is just hard for me to think when I am awaken from my sleep. I felt sorry for him and I so desperately want things to work out. He knows what it takes for him to stay there full time. He still doesn't know the code to the alarm, so I can easily keep him out of the house.

[klm]

Sara, I don't think you messed up. Believe me, I would have done the same thing...and like Puppy said, I believe you will have more opportunities.

The thing about the classes that bothers me is that he was willing to do that to leave you...but not willing to do that to stay with you.

He says how the only reason he wanted that was to make enough money to live on his own, and if we are working things out then he doesn't need that.

That statement just bothered me.

He was unemployed for about a year while he was looking for work (and all the while doing everything to take care of the house).

Ok, I can appreciate that...but for at least the past couple of months he hasn't been contributing finacially or otherwise.

((((Sara))))
You have just been doing so good and have been sounding so much better. I don't want you to let him come back with just a little sweet talking...or even guilt. He needs to make real changes. You deserve that Sara.

[MichelleLT]

(((((((Sara)))))))

Wow. Craziness. I don't know what to say other than watch his actions, not his words.

Keep setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. If he's coming in at all hours of the night again, tell him he needs to stay somewhere else. Those actions get a reaction out of him - keep doing what works right? Now the trick is to make sure it becomes a permanent change in his actions, which will take time (and possibly repetition lol).

Hang in there!! Have a great week.

You sound good.