Ugh! We spoke again on the phone, and I feel I am out of control ... some! I explained how unhappy I was with the way things were, and how he hasn't done anything to improve things .... brought up issues from the past .... brought up how he could listen to OW's complaints and be there for her, but wasn't there for me .... yadda yadda yadda. He said he felt tense around me all the time (and yet, it's only been the past month that I have been getting pretty resentful, so still not sure why the lack of intimacy for the past 3 years ... oh well ... I had completely backed off from any tense feelings, unless it was unconscious and I didn't realise it). I came across as needy, and whiney, but worse, I sounded desperate. Oh, I could just b!tch slap myself. I ended the call, and cried for an hour, rather uncontrollably, and felt very alone in this. I thought I was past all this.
It's not often I really, really miss my mom (she passed away a long time ago, and I miss her in the usual way, but there are times when I really, really miss her, and now is one of those times). My H seems so cold and unwilling to own his part in this horrid M. This is NOT what I signed up for. So, I must change the dynamic completely. Time for some HUGE changes. Someone said that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results ... so, I must change things, even if I risk losing the M, but regaining my sanity and my self respect. I cannot allow him to so control our emotional life, to the point that I am so dependent on him, while he is detached and unplugged. There is no way that he will ever allow himself to be vulnerable to me. Ha! He talks about my not trusting him ... at least, I trust him enough to allow myself the risk of showing him my vulnerability, but of course, he doesn't see that, and he certainly doesn't trust me. Oh well ... again, his loss, in the end.
I have to think this through before deciding what action to take. In the meantime, I will be trying to switch off my emotions around him, and act 'as if'. I can't be having these emotional break-downs around him anymore. Not worth it, and I get nothing out of it. I certainly don't get any real reassurances that he will change.
Ugh! I dislike this sitch intensely! I need something else to occupy my brain ... can't wait for school to start.
Sorry! Rant over!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
My H seems so cold and unwilling to own his part in this horrid M. This is NOT what I signed up for. So, I must change the dynamic completely. Time for some HUGE changes. Someone said that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results ... so, I must change things, even if I risk losing the M, but regaining my sanity and my self respect. I cannot allow him to so control our emotional life, to the point that I am so dependent on him, while he is detached and unplugged. There is no way that he will ever allow himself to be vulnerable to me. Ha! He talks about my not trusting him ... at least, I trust him enough to allow myself the risk of showing him my vulnerability, but of course, he doesn't see that, and he certainly doesn't trust me. Oh well ... again, his loss, in the end.
