I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

BFM,
Thanks for stopping in.

I think where you are at right now is probably the hardest part. It was for me anyway. That beginning when you don't know if they are really committed to the marriage, but you want them to be so badly that you can taste it. You don't know if they are really ready to give up the OW or not because in reality they are still with them and not with you.(at least that was the case with me).

I would say you are right about this being the hardest part. I find myself in a perpetual argument about whether I can believe what he is saying to me. I continue to live my life and try not to have any expectations, but now that he is saying pretty much EVERYTHING I want and need to hear, some of those expectations have been resurrected. This argument I have with myself is about whether or not any of it is true, or some of it. H lied to me so convincingly for so long, and I let myself believe his lies. I never KNEW he was with OW, I only found out over and over again that he had lied about it being over, I mean like 3 or 4 times. Now I find myself in the same situation of second guessing what he says to me, like I'm caught in a film loop replaying the same scene over and over again. The difference now, a year later, is that I am maintaining my detachment fairly well, I am continuing to GAL, I am not obsessing over him and I now know that I could be happy without him.

It's tough when you find out things that upset you. You still feel like your walking on eggshells and you don't want to upset that balance, but yet things are moving along and you want to be able to tell him what upset you.

Yes it's tough when I find out things that upset me, but I also still find myself looking for things. It's as though I can't get used to the idea of him NOT lying to me and I'm looking to catch him. I'm also not walking on eggshells, in fact I'm actually trying to upset the balance - I'm trying to give him an out so that he can go if he wants, go figure himself out, go play the field, try dating, whatever, and then see if I'm what he wants. He keeps saying no, that he wants me. I tell him I'll be okay without him and not to feel obligated anymore and he tells me that he knows I'll be okay but he doesn't want to think about that.

Unfortunately praying is not really my thing. Don't get me wrong, I do have faith in a higher power, but not necessarily one that has a hand in the minutia of my little life. I guess what you refer to as "praying" I could interpret as looking inside myself for answers, but somehow I find it difficult to believe that the answers are within me.

I suppose I am back to the realization that "time will tell", that I have to let go of trying to control or predict or analyze the situation. But I have been at this so long that I just want to know which direction I should take in my life. I did tell him, finally, that I was not going to live my life this way much longer and that I was not going to play his games anymore. Seriously, I know it is not DBing, but it does represent a 180 for me. I also realize that at this point in time, if I found out he was still with OW, I would be done and that would be the end of it. I am ready, willing and able to move out of Limbo Land.

FA