Wading with Water wings - 23 years...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

But I do not agree with the common advice given on here to constantly hold your tongue -- say nothing, do nothing, act happy.

When I caught my husband cheating I confronted him. I waved cell phone bills in his face. I told the children. My son called OW and told her what our family thought of her affair with my H. And guess what? The affair ended. That day. Then we went to Retrouvaille and learned to communicate. Communication is what holds a marriage together, not silence.

It is 17 months since we reconciled. We are happily married, with an active sex life, and we volunteer to help others at Retrouvaille weekends. We are different people. And we did not become different people by pretending that we were happy when we weren't. We didn't solve our problems by pushing them under the rug. We solved our problems by taking a direct approach. Maybe it's not for everybody. But don't tell people it can't work. It can.

It definitely works for a lot of people. It also blows up for a lot of people. Not for the faint of heart.

SG, a serious, sincere question for you:

Don't you think it tends to work best when "confrontational" is NOT the betrayed spouse's natural style? When it represents a "180" for them?

I tend to think that if the person is normally a strong, perhaps even "controlling" person anyway, then maybe it's not advised, but that when the person has been passive, maybe it works best?

You have seen both sides; is there any correlation?

Puppy

[sgctxok]

SG, a serious, sincere question for you:

Don't you think it tends to work best when "confrontational" is NOT the betrayed spouse's natural style? When it represents a "180" for them?

I tend to think that if the person is normally a strong, perhaps even "controlling" person anyway, then maybe it's not advised, but that when the person has been passive, maybe it works best?

You have seen both sides; is there any correlation?

Puppy

Top

Great Question.

In real life, I'm a physical scientist, and I know I did not validate the method and did not take data against a control.

So you get my feeling about my experience of what I've seen here. Of course, that's pretty much always the type of 'data' you see here (unless it's from Michele)....but I'm geeky enough to qualify my opinion today here.


I think shock value for a 180 can increase the chance of success.


I think more than the style or the closer to a 180 it is for the LBS, is the style and timing and mindset of where the WAS is...and the LBS ability to read it.




ON a personal note....

I've been paying attention to your posts. While we don't agree, my respect for you is high. You are committed to helping. And presenting another option.....you commit to helping IMPROVE the marriage, which is different from others with whom, I prejudgingling categorized you. For that I apologize.

While I don't agree with every point, especially for a newbie, you really do give very good advice, and advice many need to hear. I'm glad you're on the board.

I put it here (sorry to highjack) because I know you'll be on this thread.


peace and all good
sg

[Puppy Dog Tails]

SG, a serious, sincere question for you:

Don't you think it tends to work best when "confrontational" is NOT the betrayed spouse's natural style? When it represents a "180" for them?

I tend to think that if the person is normally a strong, perhaps even "controlling" person anyway, then maybe it's not advised, but that when the person has been passive, maybe it works best?

You have seen both sides; is there any correlation?

Puppy

Top

Great Question.

In real life, I'm a physical scientist, and I know I did not validate the method and did not take data against a control.

So you get my feeling about my experience of what I've seen here. Of course, that's pretty much always the type of 'data' you see here (unless it's from Michele)....but I'm geeky enough to qualify my opinion today here.


I think shock value for a 180 can increase the chance of success.


I think more than the style or the closer to a 180 it is for the LBS, is the style and timing and mindset of where the WAS is...and the LBS ability to read it.




ON a personal note....

I've been paying attention to your posts. While we don't agree, my respect for you is high. You are committed to helping. And presenting another option.....you commit to helping IMPROVE the marriage, which is different from others with whom, I prejudgingling categorized you. For that I apologize.

While I don't agree with every point, especially for a newbie, you really do give very good advice, and advice many need to hear. I'm glad you're on the board.

I put it here (sorry to highjack) because I know you'll be on this thread.


peace and all good
sg

Thanks, SG. I do try to provide a perspective that's at least a little different, but mostly I try to nudge toward what is MISSING in any given sitch. If someone is too passive, and allowing their wayward spouse to cake-eat, boundary-free, then yes, I can be pretty rough and advocate a strong stance. But if I see a "WTF", anti-marriage attitude, or a meanspiritedness, I will advocate a more loving approach, and to give grace.

Puppy

[sgctxok]

[CBK]

Hello all - spent the day just catching up on stuff. Went to church and the gym and then really spent most of the day reading from my first post on - as much as I got beat up, there were a couple of things that there was consensus:

1) I was not able to detach. I was able to physically for short periods of time, but never mentally. My W and OM were constantly in my thoughts, was totally making me crazy. Believe it or not, I was trying my hardest. No excuses, but I was lucky in a sense that I found this site early, at the same time, I was still in such an emotional state of mind, that I was still going through all the emotions on an hourly basis. It was tough to read some of my posts, I was doing so well, got lot's of "that a boys" and "good jobs" then my mind would race about the A and "poor me" in all of this. I think I only counted about 4 or 5 R talks in a month, not too bad, so I was listening, but just wasn't able to detach - probably my biggest downfall.

2) Don't send the letter - believe it or not, I am still okay with the letter. I have reread and reread and if that letter keeps her from coming back, then so be it. It was from the heart but rewritten about 20 times.

3) Snooping really was never consensus until the end as I was not able to really handle what I was finding out. Snooping is almost a disease, I was not able to stop. Now, I have NO reason to snoop - I think I have as much info as I will ever need. If we start to get on the mend, then I will cross the transparency line then.

4) Where I was conflicted the most and why I was so obsessed with the OM was the fact that I had 1/2 the posters saying expose the A, the other half saying don't. I kept waffling back and forth - in the end, when I had the phone number of the guy, I had to act and get the info. I was going to call for 2 reasons - first was to see if I could get his name - second to tell him to get the F away from my family. I called, but chickened out both times. He figured it was me and told W. That is what set her off on Friday. Not that this was the only reason for her to walk, but it was the crushing blow. I probably scared the guy a bit him knowing I have his number. Honestly, when I read my posts, this was one of the biggest areas I had doubt. Like I said, I could not detach, we all knew that, but I kep waffling on the OM and that consumed me.

I have done a decent job of GALing - took up golf, have been going to the gym regularly, been going out with friends, etc. Done a couple of 180s that the W noticed and actually brought up in MC - but I kept erasing them when I could not give her the space she needed and detach.

So where am I now you may ask?

Today was a good day. Only cried a little coming out of church on my way to the club. Had no inclination to reach out to her. I was able to relax and read the posts, cleaned the house and worked with the kids to clean up the garage. Then here is the kicker. W has been keeping in touch with kids, S19 has gone over a couple of times to help her with the internet and email issues and he spends some time with her which is great. D21 went to dinner and movie tonight with her. So WAW comes into the house and calls daughter who is upstairs. I walk over and say hello - she was pissed still, very upset. I said have fun at dinner and asked her movie. She told me and that was it. So I said have a great night and walked back to where I was watching the NY Met vs NY Yankee game. That was it. D21 was playing upstairs but W chose to sit in the car rather than come into the house. Her mom was out there, so that was understandable. My guess is that she is waiting to unload on Thursday at MC. So I will get ready to validate, not get into any big discussions, etc.

Like I said on Friday, I feel more mentally prepared for just about anything, the most "centered" I have been in weeks.

Am I disappointed that I wasn't able to listen and act on detaching, of course I am, but I am where I am and need to get myself back on an even keel. Have I thought about OM since Friday? Maybe, but if I did, it was very quick. The reason I cried today because today was Communion Sunday for the the kids and it brought back memories - but got to the gym and was able to do some cardio, jacuzzi and steam.

So where to go from here? I have no idea! I am sure I will get some ideas. I need to have a couple of plans like Mike has been saying - plan A: How I am going to DB like I have never DB'd and plan B: what happens if the big D comes along. Either way, I need to be prepared. She did tell the kids that she was only going to be gone for a few days - right now, I am not sure if I want her back in the house, but that could change. Do I think about her, sure thing, not like I used to all the time. I prayed for her in church today along with many of your names added to my list along with my kids and me. I thought about her when I went grocery shopping thinking that she would never expect me to be doing this - maybe small stuff, but to actually have to go to a check stand that wasn't 10 items or less, no way! I have truly enjoyed the weekend with only a couple of bumps.

With all this being said, please keep me in line. I am in a much better place than I have ever been to really listen to you all. If I am obsessing too much on W or OM, smack me - I can take it. Don't get too frustrated with me, I really am trying to do the best I can.

So for anybody new reading my thread, you don't need to go all the way back, in a matter of 4 weeks, I have locked about 6 or 7 threads - so a lot of advice is sitting there if you need it.

For all my posters - thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish I could have pulled up sooner and was able to really do what you were all saying 100% of the time, but I was for about 50% - key here is if you are going to DB, you need to do 100% of the time which is almost impossible.

Let me know what I have missed, I will try and visit many of your threads tonight.

Be well and peace,

CBK

[john210]

CBK,
Do not be too hard on yourself. It is what happens going forward that counts. If there is one thing i learned on theses boards in the last few months it is to not judge other LBSs. everybody reacts to situations differently. i am not really sure there is a right and a wrong or if and if I would have done this my WAS would...
The important part in all this is to take care of yourself and your kids. Try to grow as a person morally, mentally and if at all possible physically.
Stay strong and try to look at all the positives in your life.

[CBK]

Thanks John - appreciate your words.

WAW just came in and took some more clothes with her. She cannot even say hello or goodbye she is so mad. Maybe the call put too much pressure on the A and she is detaching from OM. She is really pissed at me and our sitch. I was able to talk to my friend tonight again, I do feel like I have grown a great deal even in the last two days. I want to heal myself and make sure my kids are okay. She needs to work on herself and heal herself, then, if God thinks it is meant to be, we can work together again.

Also, when she left, she was crying - this is the first time I have seen her cry since I found out about the A. D21 said she hugged her and said goodbye. Maybe she is looking for an apt, maybe she is realizing what she is walking away from. Who knows.

I am just posting - no desire to call or reach out. She has made her decisions, time for me to make mine.

CBK

[Sara]

Don't you think she is over-reacting to a hang-up phone call? What did you do? See a phone number on the bill and call it. So?

[CBK]

I wish, I was totally busted. I found an old bill, it was obviosly his. So I called it, did a reverse phone look up, the whole 9 yards. The problem is that it is registered to his work - well, I know where he works - from what I can tell, he makes about 1/3 of what I do... no financial security there. Anyway, he saw the area code, probably never gets calls from that area code, I was stupid there. He called WAW and said I think you H is tryig to call me. I have not lied to WAW yet, I may have ommitted stuff, but if she asks me straight out, I tell her the truth, and I did on Friday. It was a stupid move, but like I said, I was totally obsessed with finding out who this guy is. Funny part now, I really don't care - it has been since Friday and I honestly can't think of a time I have really thought about the a$$hole.

CBK

[Sara]

Yes, I can see the harm. You might escalate to ringing his doorbell and running away.