Wading with Water wings - 23 years...

[CBK]

Hello all - spent the day just catching up on stuff. Went to church and the gym and then really spent most of the day reading from my first post on - as much as I got beat up, there were a couple of things that there was consensus:

1) I was not able to detach. I was able to physically for short periods of time, but never mentally. My W and OM were constantly in my thoughts, was totally making me crazy. Believe it or not, I was trying my hardest. No excuses, but I was lucky in a sense that I found this site early, at the same time, I was still in such an emotional state of mind, that I was still going through all the emotions on an hourly basis. It was tough to read some of my posts, I was doing so well, got lot's of "that a boys" and "good jobs" then my mind would race about the A and "poor me" in all of this. I think I only counted about 4 or 5 R talks in a month, not too bad, so I was listening, but just wasn't able to detach - probably my biggest downfall.

2) Don't send the letter - believe it or not, I am still okay with the letter. I have reread and reread and if that letter keeps her from coming back, then so be it. It was from the heart but rewritten about 20 times.

3) Snooping really was never consensus until the end as I was not able to really handle what I was finding out. Snooping is almost a disease, I was not able to stop. Now, I have NO reason to snoop - I think I have as much info as I will ever need. If we start to get on the mend, then I will cross the transparency line then.

4) Where I was conflicted the most and why I was so obsessed with the OM was the fact that I had 1/2 the posters saying expose the A, the other half saying don't. I kept waffling back and forth - in the end, when I had the phone number of the guy, I had to act and get the info. I was going to call for 2 reasons - first was to see if I could get his name - second to tell him to get the F away from my family. I called, but chickened out both times. He figured it was me and told W. That is what set her off on Friday. Not that this was the only reason for her to walk, but it was the crushing blow. I probably scared the guy a bit him knowing I have his number. Honestly, when I read my posts, this was one of the biggest areas I had doubt. Like I said, I could not detach, we all knew that, but I kep waffling on the OM and that consumed me.

I have done a decent job of GALing - took up golf, have been going to the gym regularly, been going out with friends, etc. Done a couple of 180s that the W noticed and actually brought up in MC - but I kept erasing them when I could not give her the space she needed and detach.

So where am I now you may ask?

Today was a good day. Only cried a little coming out of church on my way to the club. Had no inclination to reach out to her. I was able to relax and read the posts, cleaned the house and worked with the kids to clean up the garage. Then here is the kicker. W has been keeping in touch with kids, S19 has gone over a couple of times to help her with the internet and email issues and he spends some time with her which is great. D21 went to dinner and movie tonight with her. So WAW comes into the house and calls daughter who is upstairs. I walk over and say hello - she was pissed still, very upset. I said have fun at dinner and asked her movie. She told me and that was it. So I said have a great night and walked back to where I was watching the NY Met vs NY Yankee game. That was it. D21 was playing upstairs but W chose to sit in the car rather than come into the house. Her mom was out there, so that was understandable. My guess is that she is waiting to unload on Thursday at MC. So I will get ready to validate, not get into any big discussions, etc.

Like I said on Friday, I feel more mentally prepared for just about anything, the most "centered" I have been in weeks.

Am I disappointed that I wasn't able to listen and act on detaching, of course I am, but I am where I am and need to get myself back on an even keel. Have I thought about OM since Friday? Maybe, but if I did, it was very quick. The reason I cried today because today was Communion Sunday for the the kids and it brought back memories - but got to the gym and was able to do some cardio, jacuzzi and steam.

So where to go from here? I have no idea! I am sure I will get some ideas. I need to have a couple of plans like Mike has been saying - plan A: How I am going to DB like I have never DB'd and plan B: what happens if the big D comes along. Either way, I need to be prepared. She did tell the kids that she was only going to be gone for a few days - right now, I am not sure if I want her back in the house, but that could change. Do I think about her, sure thing, not like I used to all the time. I prayed for her in church today along with many of your names added to my list along with my kids and me. I thought about her when I went grocery shopping thinking that she would never expect me to be doing this - maybe small stuff, but to actually have to go to a check stand that wasn't 10 items or less, no way! I have truly enjoyed the weekend with only a couple of bumps.

With all this being said, please keep me in line. I am in a much better place than I have ever been to really listen to you all. If I am obsessing too much on W or OM, smack me - I can take it. Don't get too frustrated with me, I really am trying to do the best I can.

So for anybody new reading my thread, you don't need to go all the way back, in a matter of 4 weeks, I have locked about 6 or 7 threads - so a lot of advice is sitting there if you need it.

For all my posters - thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish I could have pulled up sooner and was able to really do what you were all saying 100% of the time, but I was for about 50% - key here is if you are going to DB, you need to do 100% of the time which is almost impossible.

Let me know what I have missed, I will try and visit many of your threads tonight.

Be well and peace,

CBK