I am glad you got all these people on your side here. I can't really think of anything to add. I am glad you finally decided to take the hard way and let us more in your life and sitch.
Thanks. I thought I had already put all of that out there, but it has been over time, and never all in one place. It was a bit scary to see it in one place. I know I have not always been right I know I have faults. I have let myself be walked over for a long time, AND I have to stop it!
Originally Posted By: Kalni
Sometimes we think things over alone and we get stuck to the same conclusions. When we share with others we get to see other options exist.
I hope so!
Originally Posted By: Kalni
The picture I get from everything you say is that you both at a point gave up on your R. And it seems she can take it longer than you can. You are fed up with this state but she seems to be able to continue for longer. For whatever reasons (kids etc) you accepted the terms of the R and now you can't be living like this anymore. She may have set a time limit (when school finishes, when kids are grown up) and come to you with a decision which she has made years ago. I can't believe she wants to stay like this forever.
I think you could be right about this. I think something may happen soon. I have gotten to the point where threats to leave, and her anger, don't effect me as much as they did. When she gets upset know, I just nod, or say ok. I think it really bothers her that I don't fight back, and don't get openly upset. I'm trying to take away the power she had to upset me.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
What you are doing now, should aim to first make her think. I insist that you try different approaches to things that you would like to be different, express what you want even if you believe you will get a negative answer.
The first step is going to be a doozy! Always is, when you are breaking lifelong habits!
Well, today's festivities went well. Completely non-traditional, lots of family and friends there for the three boys, and a nice, informal, catered Mexican dinner besides. And there was a cooler full of Coke, and I drank iced tea! And it wasn't beastly hot. There were a lot of birds around, some hummingbirds performed right over me for a while, and I saw one of these, many, many times: http://www.greglasley.net/vermfly.html
I think that was it, I wasn't quite close enough to tell for sure. But it's color was stunning!
So, tomorrow, it is supposed to be a lot warmer, and there is another outing in a different park, for a reception for S18's friend and his wife (the one's that got married a couple months ago). W is leaving early to go quilting with a friend, I will di the laundry!
Hope everyone has had a good day! Good morning to the soon to be rising European contingent!
No news today, I don't really expect any. I'm getting laundry done now, it will be a busy late afternoon, probably later than it should be for the kids. But, they only have four more days (they'd point out 3 and a half) before school's out!
Hey Jeff, I think you are doing great. I think you are starting to realize that this marriage as it is, is not what you want. You have begun taking care of you and that is very important and it seems to me that you havent done that in a long time.
We all know that small, consistent changes are what is needed and are what eventually get noticed. I think that if you get yourself mentally and physically healthy it will be better for everyone in the long run.
I think you have started some really great 180's for yourself. All your fans on this thread are anxious for you to start the first day of the rest of your life. I think we all want so much for you that we are anxious for you to get started.
Your wife obviously has some huge issues. My h is a control freak and it is very difficult to try to live up to their standards. I really think it is impossible to do so. I know that my h feels very out of control when it comes to his feelings - expressing them and living with them.
I think we can assume your wife is not happy. I really have to believe that she cannot be happy living as she is. So, what to do about it. Well, you cant make someone happy, they have to find it themselves. Perhaps you could take away some of the things that stress her out, thereby making her world more tolerable. And I really think that happy begets happy. It often has a ripple effect.
I have to say, I do feel that you walk on eggshells around the situation. I can understand why. It is scary to think that if you do something, your family unit might end. But there comes a point where you do not want to spend years waiting, hoping for change. There comes a time when you have to act and change the status quo. When your w sees that you are moving forward with your life, she might start to think about what it is she really wants.
So my friend, continue to GAL, get healthy, and soul search. And when you are ready, start your life. Go for it. Life is short and you deserve to have happiness and lightness.
Hey Jeff, I think you are doing great. I think you are starting to realize that this marriage as it is, is not what you want. You have begun taking care of you and that is very important and it seems to me that you havent done that in a long time.
Quite true.
Originally Posted By: beginnersmind
We all know that small, consistent changes are what is needed and are what eventually get noticed. I think that if you get yourself mentally and physically healthy it will be better for everyone in the long run.[/quote/ They might get noticed, they might not. I'm doing it for me. If I believe the scale this morning, I'm down about 5 pounds in five weeks. I'm pretty pleased with that!
[quote=beginnersmind]I think you have started some really great 180's for yourself. All your fans on this thread are anxious for you to start the first day of the rest of your life. I think we all want so much for you that we are anxious for you to get started.
Me too!
Originally Posted By: beginnersmind
Your wife obviously has some huge issues. My h is a control freak and it is very difficult to try to live up to their standards. I really think it is impossible to do so. I know that my h feels very out of control when it comes to his feelings - expressing them and living with them.
I think you have hit the nail on the head, here. It seems that the standards are a moving target. I'm sure she doesn't think so, but it feels that way to me! The only feelings she seems capable of expressing to me are anger and resentment.
Originally Posted By: beginnersmind
I think we can assume your wife is not happy. I really have to believe that she cannot be happy living as she is. So, what to do about it. Well, you cant make someone happy, they have to find it themselves. Perhaps you could take away some of the things that stress her out, thereby making her world more tolerable. And I really think that happy begets happy. It often has a ripple effect.
I'm trying to do this. In some ways I really don't think she CAN be happy. That's not my responsibility. It does become my problem, since I get to live with it.
Originally Posted By: beginnersmind
I have to say, I do feel that you walk on eggshells around the situation. I can understand why. It is scary to think that if you do something, your family unit might end. But there comes a point where you do not want to spend years waiting, hoping for change. There comes a time when you have to act and change the status quo. When your w sees that you are moving forward with your life, she might start to think about what it is she really wants.
Yep, been walking on eggshells for years. That's my fault, I never realized it. I've always "blamed" her. I accepted it, and let it happen. That makes it really hard to change. You are right, I am not wanting to wait for things to change, because that is not going to work. I should have known that years ago. I think you are right, I need to show that I am moving forward. how is a bit of a trick. I can SAY anything I want, she's seen all that before. I have to DO.
Originally Posted By: beginnersmind
So my friend, continue to GAL, get healthy, and soul search. And when you are ready, start your life. Go for it. Life is short and you deserve to have happiness and lightness.
Thank you ((((((((((Donna))))))))))!
I think you have really hit on the crux of the whole situation. I haven't taken responsibility for myself, and my situation. And know I don't know how. Though with the help of all of you, I am starting to see the way.
(((Jeff))) Ditto here too! Keep up the fabulous work, you are really getting rolling. Corey
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
