But before the meanness, you said he was wonderful.
So, your goal is to get back to that, not to when the R started to deteriorate.
Keep your eye on the goal. It is GREAT to have well-thought-out needs and goals. Just don't lose hope in the process.
I'm sure these anniversaries are hard for him. He is dealing with them in his own way, which, like my H, seems to be internally. Don't take it personally. It's not about you, it's about him, and you can't control that. So focus on you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I read through your thread and felt like I was reading part of my own situation. I am a Navy wife and my H had an affair while on recruiter duty. We have been married 13 years and our kids are almost the same ages as yours--youngest is 2, though, here.
I am having a hard time detaching. Prior to finding out about the affair, I NEVER suspected problems in our marriage. My oldest knows the circumstances and is acting out badly, My 8 y/o is withdrawing into herself--no longer the happy, outgoing child she has always been. The little ones are just devastated that they no longer see their dad everyday.
While I am not capable of giving in depth advice, I can say that it seems like you are on the right path, you just have to wait for God to step in and put His hand of mercy and guidance in your life.
I am in the same boat. If I could completely let go, it would take away all of my pain and despair. The only problem is, I can look around my house an every reminder of him is another knife in my heart for the loss of the love that we shared. The kids are a constant reminder of what an amazing Dad he is, one who has always been there for everything and anything.
My cousin gave me a piece of advice about that situation that is a bitter pill to swallow, but one really tied to DB techniques. We cannot make our children's father be a better dad. He has to decide on his own to do what is needed for his children. As someone else said, it is time to put on his big boy pants and step up to the plate. Unfortunately, the decision is his to make in his own time and the hardest hing I have been learning to accept is that I cannot make him do what I think is the right thing--he has to figure it out for himself.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I am so sorry to hear of your (similar) situation. Even though I am going through it as well, it is still sad to hear of the pain others go through, especially the children.
My D8 is also going through a rough time. Yesterday, she had a big meltdown in the bookstore and ran out down the street. My S16 had to chase after her and put her in the van. We had to lock the doors because she was just wild with anger. It was so hard to deal with especially since I knew it was because she is also stressed and hurting. My S5 had a "shut down" at school on Friday and wouldn't move for an hour. My S16 is feeling the stress and responsibility of wanting to look after all of us and be the "man of the house". I told him that one thing has not changed: I am the parent and he is the child. It is MY job to look out for him. He needs to live his life. I remind them all that even though things are rough in our family life right now, we have a lot of love in this house and that is never going to change. It will go with us wherever we go and we will always have each other.
I try so hard to avert their attention away from the negative things happening to us. But it is so hard. My H came home 2 wks ago for the weekend and we felt so complete with him here. But now, as the time gets closer for us to move out with very little money, we are all feeling the tension and anxiety.
He told me that he went on a date last Saturday. He said he had to find someone because he has to move on. Broke my heart.
A new "relationship" always makes people feel that way. It doesn't mean anything in the long run. The newness wears off, and if all he's after is that new R "high" he's gonna be perpetually chasing it and is not a good enough guy to deserve you anyways.
You can do it alone. You are doing it alone right now. Every day. Just take a deep breath and focus on the present. One day at a time.
Don't act out of emotion, take a deep breath and just take care of yourself and your kids. Don't respond to his text, don't call him. Don't believe anything he says for that matter.
It will be okay. Maybe not what you expect or planned for, but things work out in the end, no matter what happens with your H.
I am so sad for him because he doesn't even know what he is giving up.
Hang in there!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Do not text with him about anything except the children. They aere your focus. You need to build your center around the family and begin to mvoe forwad. Your H will then have to choose to lead, follow, or get out of the way. Nevrtheless, as the LBS with the kids, we have to choose to be better for them. Once they are in bed, we are then allowed to be as vulnerable as we need to be.
My mom tells me all the time that it is okay ot have a pity party--the important thing to learn is when to turn the lights off and party's over. Consider this last call, before the waitresses come around to collect the glasses.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
