Start of the long and bumpy road........

[TwinDad]

Hi, I have made a couple of threads but figured I would start a new "chain thread" laying out my situation.

Tonight I started my first night of being alone not by my choice in the first time in about 12 years. I have been knowing this was going to happen for about a month but had been holding out hope that it wouldn't (even implementing some divorce busting techniques in the process)

Here is my situation:

Approximately 8 months ago I suspected that my wife was starting an EA with an ex boyfriend. She was switching windows on her laptop whenever I would walk in the room, started IMing via myspace back and forth with this person (and making sure that the logs were not being recorded). I was able to check one of her messages and found some very suggestive language to this person; you+me=chemistry and the good old days, If I could have you for one night words couldn't describe what I would do. I was very confused since things seemed to be going very well with us (we were having great sex and had decided to try to have another baby). Yet this activity was nagging at me. So I arranged for our nanny cam to record a little longer than expected when I was out on a business trip......and got caught (which was strange in itself since she hadn't checked it in a long long time).

Needless to say this led to a big blowout and six months of turmoil. I started immediately started to try to work things out and appeared to have started to make very good progress (good sex again and having good times) until shortly after christmas when she said that this wasn't working and that we needed to get a divorce. Confused again, I decided to check into things a little bit and found out she had been text messaging this same person about 300 times/month (all when I wasn't present and sometimes late in the evening/early morning when out with her friends).

Things started to go a little better, we actually went on a nice family vacation to a cabin in the mountains and seemed to have great time until I got the phone bill and saw that while we were on the vacation, she felt the need to text message this same person several times during our "family" trip.

Despite this we made plans to make a new beginning away from here and work on adding to our family and then she went 180 on me again. Being suspicious once again, I was able to locate his myspace page and saw pictures on there from New Years Eve with my wife (we got in a big fight that night and she said she wen to a friends party)

I have tried to reason with her on this suggesting that neither one of us should have friendship that the other is not comfortable with and had admitted to having a friendship that I knew she was not comfortable with and ended it completely over 6 months ago. It had been an EA about 4 years ago but changed to just a simple brother-sister type relationship since (long story in itself). Even so I ended it voluntarily.

I don't suspect that she is having a PA but was probably having an EA. Deep down I think she just liked getting attention. The contact has dropped off significatly as far as I can tell in the last month. Aside from that we are still separated tonight. I of course made all the classic mistakes in the beginning (pleading, trying to get her to go to counseling, etc...really just being pathetically in love). I feel she is having a mid life crisis....she is unhappy with almost everything in her life and figures I am the easist thing to change.

Some of her "buzz phrases are"
- I have to want to fix this...and I don't want to
- She says she has changed in the last 10 years and I am still the same
- She doesn't trust and respect me

Also she has a lot of built up resentment and thinks I am stealing money from her. I offered to pay to have my finances investigate to prove her wrong and have given her access to all my e-mails (work + home) to show that I am not having any EAs on the side

I truly want this to work out and am a firm believer that we can make the marriage better than it ever has been.

Anyways....my fingers are tired....I appreciate you listening to my sitch

[TwinDad]

Well, I made it through my first night alone......no kids in my "new" place. I must say it was a very lonely feeling. This despite spending the whole day and evening with the W and kids.

I knew this had been coming for a while now and no matter how much I tried to prep myself for it, it just didn't seem to do the trick. When we said good bye ast night, I just got an overall numb feeling...it is a very lonely feeling. This morning was a little different....morning are always my worst emotional part of the day.

Today we meet up for our kids gym class and then I wil lbe off to find some more stuff for my new house.....this just sucks, it doesn't even feel real. At least at the end of the week the kids will be staying with me again

[JenInVen]

Hi

I was going to suggest that you keep ALL your threads together. I think people might be having trouble following your story because you start a new thread with each new phase. Most here will just have one thread until it locks and then start another.

Hope that helped

Jen

[TwinDad]

Jen,

Thanks...that is excellent advice.

Today went pretty well. I spent the majority of the day and evening with the W and kids. She actually got frisky for a little bit. She also said something along the lines that we have to stay together because we are the only two people that can put up with each other. It would have been nice to spend the night but instead I am back here at my home It is nice except for the deafening silence (cable doesn't get turned on until tomorrow.

I think tomorrow is going to be a day about me

[TwinDad]

Well the day worked out pretty good. I helped the W pick out a laptop and we went to pick up some stuff for my new place. We actually spent the whole day together....finishing off a couple bottles of wine...with her telling our niece that we always drink wine on sunday night. Since "separating" we have basically spent every day together and having a good time....not sure why we are living under separate roofs?

Her body language to me was also pretty good as well...leaning in a lot and sitting towards me as oposed to sitting away. I just don't get the whole thing....we are each others best friends and pretty good team mates with the kids. I guess I just have to take it slow. Tonight I was tempted to just cal land end to this BS but held back. The newxt couple days I think are going to be rough

[JenInVen]

Hi TD

I think you need to find a way to show her what it's like to not have you around. We've already seen that when you were away for those 5 days she missed you. Is there anything you can do to not spend so much time with her? To make her miss you. It doesn't have to be anything big.

Jen

[TwinDad]

I agree Jen. Having just sold our home we have been moving off to different houses. Despite everyones advice I decided to help her none the less. This is mainly because she is very stuborn and self centered. I think if I was to completely abandon her during this move then she would just get ticked....staing that I left her with the kids and she had to unpack everything. Instead I decided to show her what an asset I could be. Besides I get to see my kids on her week

I will get them starting wednesday evening and don't plan to contact her. My mom is coming down to visit the kids during that week as well. If she wants to see them then she will have to make an effort to come over to see them. When I have been over there I have stayed beyond the time the kids have been awake....she seems to be enjoying my company

[JenInVen]

Every sitch is different and only we know our spouses. It's great to get and give advice but in the end it's truely our decision to do what we do. You know her and you do what is best for your R.

I think that we should do the opposite of what our Sp expect. If they expect us to stick around then we leave, or if the expect us to be bitter or angry with them then we have to act kind and gentle with them. It breaks the sterotypes they have of us.

I just think you need to give her something to miss. That's a big mistake I made with my H. I didn't give him time to really miss me.

Jen

[TwinDad]

Jen,

first thanks for showing an interest in my sitch....it is appreciated. I think this will be a good week for space for us and next week as I will have company. That is what she has been asking for.....space she wants then space she will get.

It is just hard....because she is my best friend. I don't consider myself needy, but I am a pleaser and like to help people out....particularly those I love. This is just difficult. The good news is that they installed cable TV today and I went out and bought a new TV/DVD combo so at least I won't be deafened by the silence around here when the kids are not here

[TwinDad]

I am trying to develop my strategy for myself and dealing with my W. Here are some of her issues about me: She says I am controlling and passive agressive yet she tells some of her friends that she wishes I would stand up to her. I don't get it. It seems like a conflict, how do I stand up to her without coming off as controlling?