Supermom and the Brighter Tomorrow

[JennyF]

Warning....long post.

I'm back from my weekend away.
I had a great weekend up at my friends cottage. I didn't realize though that I would have a hard time being there without H. We've been going up there together for 10 years and the last time we were there was Labour Day weekend. A week exactly before he left me. So it brought a lot back. I was pregnant the last time I was there too.

I had a lot of great talks with my friends H. As I mentioned they went through this 5 years ago and are now back together. He left her. He was really open with me and had a good chats about a LOT of things. He can't believe how similar everything is to what he was going through. He told me that there is no way H is ok inside. No way that he isn't hurting and depressed.

SO, H was supposed to call me so I could talk to D yesterday and he didn't. I tried texing him and left him messages and he didn't call. I was SO mad. I am not ok with going a day and not talking to D. No way. He may be ok with that, but I WILL be in my children's life everyday. So that started my ball rolling this morning.
So D called me and was really cute and stuff. I asked her if she slept ok and she said, I slept with Daddy.....and "OW". Nice. H got on the phone I was short with him. I got off the phone and just started sobbing. And then I couldn't control it for the rest of the morning. I went for a walk in the woods to try to shake it. I sat on the dock and stared at the lake for half an hour and just cried. I couldn't control it. I know part of this is hormonal. All those feminine things are just getting settled again after I stopped nursing last week.
So I left the cottage around 1 as I was pick the kids up at a half way point from H at 3. The whole way there I was stewing. 2 hours. The sadness started turning to anger. This is weird for me as I haven't gotten very angry through a lot of this believe it or not.
Then I talked to my best friend on my way and she said a close friend of ours (all of ours) was over to her place this morning. This person just happens to be going with her husband to H & OW's TONIGHT for a BBQ. Makes me sick.
BUT....my BF said that she is not ok with it and doesn't want to go. Long story short she went on and on about H and how he is acting insane and that no one thinks he is ok.
I know that friends are just now reaching a point where they are going to start to react to H by pulling away from him.
Anyway, she shared some more details of H's new and insane life that are just mind boggling.

So I have that conversation and then I meet H to get the kids. By now I'm fuming, but am very aware not to show this in front of the kids.
We get the kids in the car and shut the doors. H is trying to be a friendly and I am just glaring at him. He called me on my 'attitude' and suddenly I just let it out. I wasn't yelling or screaming, I didn't want the kids to see that behaviour. But I told him that I wasn't ok with this. That what I heard this morning was like a punch in the stomach and this was all so wrong. He tried to down play and tried to make excuses for everything again...blah blah blah.
Then he gets mad and goes to leave and turns to me and says "What do you want me to do? Come home?". I said, "No, Don't want that". He goes, "exactly". WTF does this mean?
Then I told him that I find it impossible for me to look at him and understand how a person can become the complete opposite of who they were. That someone could change so much that there morals and everything else just becomes the opposite of who they were and what they stood for. I told him I don't even know how he can look at himself in the mirror anymore.
There was some other spewing back and forth and finally he just drove away. As he always does the conversation goes that way.
Not my finest "DB'ing" moment....but the truth is I am NOT ok with the decisions he's making for his children and it's time I got a little pissed about it.

I think the poop is getting ready to hit the fan with him. Friends are talking a LOT and are dying to let go on him. This is no longer about H and I....it's now about his R's with all of the people whose lives he's affected. He thinks I'm the only one he's done this to, but he's about to learn differently.
I alluded to that today too when I talked to him. I told him that he go onto his 'grass is greener on the other side' life. Be on his merry way and don't worry about the carnage he's left behind. He rolled his eyes and said , "Carnage?". I said, yup! Carnage.
He's going to find out, I hope it's sooner than later.
It will be an interesting couple weeks with all of this building because the house is on the market, and my L just sent H's L a letter asking to provide his financial statements ASAP as I am "anxious" to move this along. We'll see how he reacts.
Stay tuned.
J~