Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

Yesterday was fun. Our block had a block party and the weather was gorgeous. The kids played and I socialized with lots of friends. I felt really happy and in total GAL land. H kind of came and went. He went for two bike rides and at about 8pm announced he was going to the movies alone. I know it sounds like there must be an OW, but there isn't. He seems to be having an A with himself lately, always wanting to be alone--either listening to music on headphones, going for bike rides, reading, on his laptop. He'll do anything to avoid interacting with me.

Two of my friends who were here yesterday said it seems like he is really removed, that he doesn't like them anymore. He is so off in his own head most of the time, so disengaged. The more he's like that, the more I feel detached too. But then he flashes back to his old self and I feel like he "sees" me again and my heart just hurts so much.

Today, we played a board game with the girls and H was looking at me and teased me a few times in the kind of loving way he used to--like "you gotta watch mom. You never know what she'll try to get away with." (That was during the game and D7 was checking to make sure I took the right cards.)

Yesterday I was cleaning out some junk and came across duplicates of our wedding photos. Found a whole stack of me &H dancing, looking so lovingly at each other, so young and happy. More agony for me, especially because deep down I still feel that way about him, even though I guess I wasn't showing it too well for the past few years.

One of my friends thinks he has a need to re-live his youth, which I guess is MLC. He's been with me for 19 years, and just seems to need freedom right now--free to go to movies alone at 8pm (leaving me with the kids), free to take off on his bike whenever.

I'm not sure how to DB any more at this point. I've done a lot--GAL, stopped saying ILY, giving him tons of space, trying to have no expectations. I'm not sure what to add to my arsenal. I could throw my arms around him, which would be a 180 for sure, but I know he doesn't want me to.