Searching for the truth..for me 5

[phbear316]

SG

Your words have brought tears to my eyes once again. But they are not tears of sadness, they are release tears.

You are right i should find some one who will love me for me.

If you are referring to yourself as a ding bat, I would not want to be friends with any other kind of "bats" At least we are all good bats here. Not scary kinds.

I have found such love and support here it is amazing, Truly amazing from sg, to the wonderful Jeanette, W2G and Jenny F. Such strength is amazing in all of you.

This week has been very critical for me, I am facing the fact that this is going on for too long, my h is not coming back, for i cannot convince him to come back, he has to come back on his own want to come back.

I went down the shore and had a talk with the neighbor who has been like an uncle to me, I told him what was going on, i let it all go, only got misty a few times. The words of advice he gave me were unreal. He was right, on so many levels. All weekend i listened to some songs i had on my ipod new and old, and realized some lyrics held the key in some things i was feeling.

So between this week and the different way I have been feeling, the talk with my "uncle", some soul searching. I now know i cannot stop this divorce from happening. I have come to face it. Its been too long,

I have looked inside myself and realized i have given it my best shot. I have faced things i thought I would never thought i would face. I beginning to realize I think my h was involved with someone else before this woman he is with now. And i think it was my best friend.

I look at it like that was yesterday, My world was shattered, but i stand here with my pride, fighting back tears, knowing i gave it my all to fix this marriage to improve me. I see my improvements, i know i have become stronger, and better, and will be a better person in the end of all this. My heart is broken, but mending will take time, it is happening, but my mind now knows, i gave it my all for this marriage, my true all. He has not.

I now know, 24 months is too long to be unloved, and unwanted. Its time to let go truly, let go and now do for me.

I am moving forward, if things are to change with h then we will see, only time will tell in that department.

THis weekend i only took one call from him, I was like two minutes, i just had nothing to say, guess she was not around so he was like oh i guess i will just go to the mall and walk around,. Go h, you don't need me to go to the mall with you, this is what you wanted, you now have to deal with the seeds you have sowed. You wanted nothing to do with me, pushed me away, stopped loving me. Now you are lonely. All i have to say to that is and it may sound sour and bitter to you all, but good, h welcome to my world. Well i should say my old world. For a new one I am trying, no making a new one for me.

SG, it is my honor to have you as my friend, a true honor.

hugs
bear