State of Mind

[BeingMe]

I don't even know how to answer your question, Phoenix! (BTW, thanks for the hugs, Aud and Phoenix ... so need them right now.) When I spoke to my H about my concerns, he acted as if it was all a huge surprise. How could be possibly think that no intimacy for 3 years, after he begged for us to stay married, and come to this new place to start over again, is okay!!!! I am flabbergasted at how he can act as if everything is alright, with just brief phone calls during the week, some time spent together on the weekends, but he is always busy with the finances, garden, helping taxi D15, etc. that we seldom get real time together. And, when we do, he is not very engaged or seem interested in chatting to me, or anything like that. I do all the talking really, and I sometimes feel like it's such an effort to get a response out of him. He kisses (pecks on the lips really, and I am starting to resent those) and hugs me hullo and goodbye, sometimes rubs my back, and holds hands when we're out but that is all the adult intimate connection I get, and it all seems so phoney and pretentious to me given that there is no romance in our M at all.

He also seems to infer that it's my fault because I don't trust him. Well, he has hardly made much of an effort to prove I can, so what can he possibly expect, and I feel I have given him every opportunity to earn back my trust. But, of course, he doesn't see that.

I am feeling very hopeless right now. I don't feel anything for him at the present moment, and I think times up, but I've said that before, so who knows. I just don't want to put my D15 through any pain right now. Perhaps I will wait until she finishes school in two years, and I will continue studying toward a career that can support myself, and then we can separate officially. I feel I have done everything within my power to bring about positive changes within myself, and M, but there has to come a time when the other spouse has to put more effort into it, otherwise there is hardly any point.

I'm feeling a little emotional right now ... had a health issue during the week and was taken to the hospital from work (ugh, so embarrassing, and realized how alone I was here 'cause H couldn't come through seeing as how he is hundreds of miles away from home, so I took a cab home ... okay, that sounds like I feel sorry for myself, and maybe I do a little). 'Eh!

I will post some more later when I am more clear-headed.