its been a crazy couple of days. h came last night and picked me up for our dinner...he even brought roses. we went out to dinner and stayed at the restaurant for a couple of hours talking...really tough talk, actually. good, bad, good, bad. we talked about what we both would need in order to give it a go again...he was NOT happy to hear that I thought IC for him was a must. he got very very defensive, even though I was really good at how I put it. he just does NOT think he needs it. and for me, well, if we are going to do this I want the deck stacked in our favor, and I think IC for both of us (me continuing mine) would really go a long way to making me feel hopeful. He tried to manipulate the situation a lot...tried to redirect it, turn it into other things. I stayed on course. not mean, not ball busting, more than willing to compromise on some stuff, but damn, that alien spew came out 10-fold. it was facinating to watch, actually. the panic he went in, trying to avoid IC.
He kept asking if it was an ultimatum. I had a hard time saying yes to that...and its funny, instead of getting reactionary about it or taking bait when he slung it, I really stepped back and asked myself why I had a problem with that word. and I explained to him what I was feeling about it. and I took my time and really thought and then responded. essentially it would just go a long way to making me feel like we really have a chance, and w/o it, I just feel like we will be in the same place again. I want us both healthy, not disfunctional like we were. I deserve/want someone healthy. and we talked about communication problems and such.
it was good but it was also hard. he really thought he could just say, "honey, I'm home" and that would be it. it isn't. and he realizes it now.
we got home and talked some more and I was kind and empathetic but I also have my boundaries, and while I'm more than willing to meet in the middle on a lot of things, and I am, I am also pretty firm about some things that I do need.
he was so frustrated.
we went to sleep (yes, he stayed over) and this morning apologized for the attacks (not about me, about my family and some other things). felt really bad about them, and realized he was being unreasonable about some things. understood better the compromise I was willing to strike.
one very interesting thing happened when we were getting ready to head out and get the kids. I was putting my makeup on and he was talking about his friend who was separated from his wife (I have met them both a couple of times). h went on to say they went to some really expensive intensive marriage counseling retreat in colorado...said that even though they still ended up getting divorced, he said it was the best money he has ever spent...that it was incredible. and then h asked if I had ever heard of someone, werner-davis. I almost choked. I questioned, "michelle?" and he said yeah, that was it. his friend saw some man, h couldn't remember the name, so googled colorado and marriage counseling or something like that (can't remember exactly what he googled) and this michelle woman came up and he started reading a bit and it seemed to make a lot of sense to him.
omg.
at first I really thought he had found this site...I've had my suspicions off and on. but talking to him makes me think he hasn't. but omg. I did NOT use the term DB at all, just said I had heard of her (2 books in the bookcase, wonder if he sees them among my other ones? lol).
interesting.
some other stuff over the morning was talked about. lots of stuff about how he has been feeling over the past several months and such. something interesting that came up...a guy he knows thru work was separated and he and his stbx were about to sign the papers and they completely turned things around and didn't, now they are really committed to making it work. this just happened. but it made h stop and think that it isn't impossible to come back. and the funny thing was, ow is the one who told him about G and his wife reconciling. she was exstatic for them.
he really seems to think this is a done deal and wanted to move back in and work on it, but also understood when I said no, no way jose. not putting myself or my kids thru that until I know for sure we are going to make it. I know there are no guarantees in life, but we are NOT there yet.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
